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February 1, 2001
It was one year ago today that The Daily Journal began the Month of the Sasquatch. Truly it was the heyday of our existence. Since then we've atrophied, resorting to off-color jokes about the size of various organs and wise-cracks about our mothers. But during all this back sliding and decay, we've always worn our ponchos. E-Mail.
February 2, 2001
Here at work we have this big fish tank and February is my month to feed them. So as I fed them today I was intrigued by the unusual odor and brownish-green color and so I read the ingredients of the fish pellets (two tablespoons every morning). OHMYGOD.... AQUAFIN COMPLETE BASIC DAILY DIET IS FISH!!!! E-Mail.
February 3, 2001
From the back of a tape dispenser... I only WISH I had made this up.
February 4, 2001
I have nothing left to write. I've tried and I've tried but, alas, I cannot come up with anything. How sad it is that I sit here on this day with nothing to say. I have no stories, no witty sayings, not even the tiny bits of rambling that you've come to expect from us here, like...uh...well, so you see? NOTHING, I SAY! NADA! ZILCH! I only wish that I could come up with something to share with you but I am starved for words. None come to me at the moment and here I sit at a keyboard bursting with potential and yet nothing to share with you. If only I could think of something to put in this space. E-Mail.
February 5, 2001
It's official, the most popular name of the new millenium here in the good ol' USofA is "Gandolph". I have no idea why. E-Mail.
February 6, 2001
No matter how much time you spend trainiing them with eggnog, rattlesnakes do NOT make good pets for children prone to wild siezures. E-Mail.
February 7, 2001
I'm not sure which is funnier, saying "mucilage" or looking at the picture of it.
February 8, 2001
I just had a great idea for get rich quick! Midget rental! Please contact me at this address if you are interested in opening a franchise in your area. We'll make millions for sure!E-Mail.
February 9, 2001
In the latter years of his life, Nostradamous wrote: "Man in maze in belly of beast / Sits staring at a window of rainbows / Dreaming a journal of the arcane that few will know / Choose Green Dasher in the fourth race." AMAZING! E-Mail.
February 10, 2001
In a just world, all transactions would occur in pectin. E-Mail.
February 11, 2001
I will celebrate my 25th birthday this month. The other two Daily Journal writers are much much older, hovering around 30 somewhere. That is why, in my youth, I am declaring today "Monkey Socks" day. If you are in a possession of a monkey under the age of 25 (and I know many of our readers are), you must dress him or her in argyle socks. For reasons that I'm sure will become clear later. E-Mail.
February 12, 2001
Today I'm pitching the idea for my new cooking show to the Food Network people: Cooking with Pancreatic Fluids. Cross your fingers! E-Mail.
February 13, 2001
In order to help out the economy, I'm going to dig deep and treat the entire state of Minnesota to gumbo. E-Mail.
February 14, 2001
We all know how difficult it can be trying to find a new job that fits your skills. Currently, the only lead that I've gotten any action on is the Assistant Meat Grinder position at one of our area funeral homes. E-Mail.
February 15, 2001
We at The Daily Journal would like to apologize for the comments written yesterday. The position was NOT "Assistant Meat Grinder" at a local funeral home, it was, in fact, "Director of Fun and Baloon Animals". E-Mail.
February 16, 2001
I know I missed the big Valentines Day consumer rush, but I plan to have a warehouse full of my sexy Edible Socks for 2002. Now available in Mint-O-Green! E-Mail.
February 17, 2001
When I come back as a zombie, I don't plan to chase people around trying to eat their brains. I've got a connection where I can purchase them wholesale. E-Mail.
February 18, 2001
Next month I turn thirty, which is why I decided to finally have my umbilical cord removed. E-Mail.
February 19, 2001
For the casual practitioner of yoga, we are running a special all this month on our Hammock of Nails. E-Mail.
February 20, 2001
Don't be fooled! This squirrel was no "conduit" but rather a kamikaze bent of blacking out my neighborhood simply because I refused to put out an extra ear of dried corn.
February 21, 2001
Ok now, fellers, let's just admit it. All of you have, on at least one occasion, actually aimed at some piece of debris in the toilet/urinal with your urine stream. And while you were doing it, you thought to yourself, "Hey, not only am I relieving myself, I'm being productive as well". E-Mail.
February 22, 2001
I've got really bad gas today, and I'm afraid that it may be hurting my chances of ever making it to the olympics in the downhill luge competition. I'm pretty sure the judges look down upon that sort of thing. E-Mail.
February 23, 2001
When I get old, I'm gonna quit my job and invest in beef jerky stocks. Beef jerky is gonna be big in 40 years, because after the world as we know it is decimated by nuclear war, we may all have to live on beef jerky. Beef jerky, and those frozen chocolate covered bananas you can get at festivals. But mostly just beef jerky. E-Mail.
February 24, 2001
My wife bought me a pair of shoes for my birthday. I'm really quite excited about these shoes, because they are comfortable, and they look so good that when I kick my boss in the posterior today, he probably won't get mad. He'll just be thinking, "That there is a fine pair of shoes." And of course I'm wearing my anger-repellant socks today, too. E-Mail.
February 25, 2001
It's pretty sad when you have first-hand knowledge of Ann Lander's preferred brand of underpants. E-Mail.
February 26, 2001
We started out the month just fine, adding entries BEFORE their actual day. Now it's the 28th and we are struggling to get caught up. We would have been on schedule too if it weren't for those meddeling kids. E-Mail.
February 27, 2001
We just got the new memo stating that the current employee benefit package is going to be scrapped. Instead, each employee will receive two giant wheels of cheese. E-Mail.
February 28, 2001
If Jimi Hendrix were alive today, all the members of N'Sync would have afros. E-Mail.