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March 1, 2001
Ooooh, I get to write the first entry of the month. Lots of pressure. Don't blow it, come up with something really witty and unique. No problem. And what's the easiest way to be witty and unique in a Daily Journal entry? By combining the words beef jerky, poncho, and soup in a sentence. And luckily, just last night, my Mom called to let me know that she was wearing her poncho when she slipped on a piece of beef jerky and fell right into a bowl of beef vegetable soup. A coincidence? We here at the Daily Journal like to call it 'destiny.' E-Mail.
March 2, 2001
Ever have one of those days after you've worked on your car or a home project where the day after you are so sore you can't even bring yourself to wipe? Me too. E-Mail.
March 3, 2001
It's widely held that March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion. However, scientist have been tracking the results for the past several years and our government is prepared to adjust this cliche to more appropriately state that March "comes in like a barn owl and goes out like a pregnant chihuahua eating Velveeta." It's amazing what them boys in the lab can do when you throw a lot of money at them.E-Mail.
March 4, 2001
Being the youngest of three boys, I'm quite familiar with dryers as I've had the opportunity to be forced to ride in most of the major brands. By far, the Sears Kenmore models will get your clothes the dryest, but the Whirlpools are a much smoother ride. E-Mail.
March 5, 2001
Spring is in the air! No, wait, that's smog. Smog is in the air! E-Mail.
March 6, 2001
For the past year I've been working in the men's apparel business and I can let you all in on a little trend. Knickers are OUT! E-Mail.
March 7, 2001
I work with a guy who is a middle-aged, balding smoker. He recently took up weightlifting and now is talking about running. He's currently trying to patent a device that allows him to smoke "hands-free" while running. This will take the fitness world by storm! E-Mail.
March 8, 2001
I'm not too gifted at the art of haggling. Recently, I had to make a counter-proposal to a prospective employer. His original offer was a little lower than I anticipated, so I countered with a figure only $2000 higher. I think it would have been fine had I not also asked for a daily bucket of pork sausage and lifetime tickets to our local dinner-theatre's nightly presentation of "Cats". E-Mail.
March 9, 2001
There's a commercial that I keep hearing on the radio for a vending machine called "Oscar" that was invented by "some crazy genius." You see, the genius is crazy because this machine actually "attracts money." Of course, it's so proven that you have to act quickly to get in on the action. Oh, and it's such a sure thing that the "crazy genius" is too crazy to figure out how to make money from it himself. So, instead, he's inventing a hotdog warmer that attaches to your pants. E-Mail.
March 10, 2001
The other day my three-year old daughter was looking closely at my head and said, "I can see your brain." Of course I told her that it was impossible, but she insisted that she could see just a little bit of it. She said the same thing to her little sister while in the bathtub. It was then that it dawned on me that this little girl was going to make me millions. I'm currently setting up an appointment with an area hospital to demonstrate how this gift can save lives. E-Mail.
March 11, 2001
Lefty, who was actually right handed, married a gal who went by the nickname of "Lucky", although she had never won anything in her life. They had a solid black dog that they named, "Spot" and lived next door to a 300 pound man named, "Little Earl". The irony of this world is too much for me to bare. E-Mail.
March 12, 2001
The 2004 Presidential Election is closer than we think. Futurists (a job I'd like to apply for) are predicting that this will be the first time the two parties square off to debate the subject that's been plagueing this nation for nearly two and a half centuries: "Provolone or Mozerella?" E-Mail.
March 13, 2001
Who came up with the idea of a rectal thermometer, anyway? E-Mail.
March 14, 2001
Earlier this year, my seven year old son and I began playing a game called "slugbug". I used to play it as a kid and I'm sure many of you have as well. The game is simple. While driving in the family car, whenever someone spots a Volkswagon Beetle (or "bug") you declare it's color by shouting, "slugbug yellow" and punch the person of your choice. However, the game has quickly evolved into a much more ferocious contest of fear and shame. Currently, the rules allow any foreign-made vehilce to qualify for a full-fledged thrashing and oral humiliation in front of a peer group. Just yesterday, I received 32 lashes from a glass-shavings encrusted bull-whip in front of my co-workers while my son told them of my unexplainable fear that I would die as a result of an attack by starfish. E-Mail.
March 15, 2001
Scientists have just announced that the common barn owl has more uses than previously thought. If you wish to get in on the ground floor of this amazing opportunity, send a money order for $2000 to E-Mail.
March 16, 2001
If I had hair, it would be just like Bob Eubanks'. E-Mail.
March 17, 2001
For those few tee-totaling readers of The Daily Journal who cherish their sobriety, The Goat is enacted a new holidy. March 17 will hereafter be known as Marmalade Day! On this day only you can drink all the marmalade your constitution can handle! E-Mail.
March 18, 2001
I had a few too many green beers last night and saw some strange things. I'm pretty sure that was no leprechan with my wife. E-Mail.
March 19, 2001
Why is it that whenever I use the dictionary, it opens to the page with the definition for "masturbation"? E-Mail.
March 20, 2001
It seems like no matter how you say, "No" to your children, they just don't listen. Well, I've been experimenting with this theory and I think I've finally found a way to say, "NO!" that gets their attention. It's still in the experimental phase, but basically, I've figured out that it really doesn't matter how loudly you yell it as long as you're carrying a running gas-powered chain saw above your head.E-Mail.
March 21, 2001
One time I managed to miss an opportunity to actually meet one of the guys that helps load the stage truck for Wayne Newton. I never even took the time to talk to him and he walked right by me. I vowed then that I would NEVER miss such an opportunity again. Therefore, whenever I encounter ANYONE, I immediately ask me if they are famous, if they are related to someone famous, if they know someone famous, or if they have any neighbors or aquaintances that may know someone famous. It's already paid off in big dividends in that just last week I met the guy who knew the lady who's mother once emptied wastebaskets for Jim Neighbors. Turns out, he throws away a lot of stale cookies.E-Mail.
March 22, 2001
Whenever I'm in a restaurant and I have to fill out the check receipt, I always make sure that I write, "Thank you for the pen!" before sticking it in my pocket and leaving.E-Mail.
March 23, 2001
Here's a headline from the California Tech Media Relations home page: "Caltech grad student's team first to detect radio emission from a brown dwarf." I KNEW there were dwarves. I just knew it. Science has finally proven me correct. I will go out on a limb and predict that gnomes will be seen on TV in the next 8-10 months. Go Science, GO!E-Mail.
March 24, 2001
I now work in a cubicle where I'm surrounded my many other employees and we can all hear each other's conversations without any effort. I made the mistake today of talking to my two-year old girl about whether or not she was wearing underware and it was interpreted in a completly different way by my co-workers. Needless to say, they didn't understand what I was REALLY talking about when I asked my friend if he had "successfuly installed the detonation device in the company break room." Things sound SO different when you only hear one side of the conversation.E-Mail.
March 25, 2001
There are a lot of phones that ring where I work. They just keep ringing and beeping and buzzing AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'm not cut out for work. I need to get back to my roots--sponge diving.E-Mail.
March 26, 2001
I've already heard the term, "The dot.com era" spoken in reference to the last few years of the Internet-based economy. Futurists are predicting that the next 3-5 years will fondly referred to as the "canned sausage" era. What does this all mean? E-Mail.
March 27, 2001
I found a great new place for lunch today where you actually get to stalk and kill your own ferret, Then, while you're eating it you can make a pair of gloves or an ashtray with it's pelt. You WILL need to bring your own tools for skinning, so come prepared. E-Mail.
March 28, 2001
The best soup I ever had was this zesty, hearty gumbo we made after our huntin' dog got too old to chase down the maimed squirrels. E-Mail.
March 29, 2001
The best poncho I ever wore was this lovely shade of green with little giraffes on it. I've never been beaten so badly as the time I wore it to that biker bar on the edge of my college town. E-Mail.
March 30, 2001
The best work day I ever had was probably just last week when my boss promoted me to Lead Offal Shoveler. Now I get to wear boots! E-Mail.
March 31, 2001
The best memory I have of my childhood consists of my dad taking us kids out on a camping trip. When we got there, all of us kids jumped out and he took off for home. It only took me six days to get home so I got the honor of wearing the underpants first. E-Mail.
March 32, 2001
The best birthday I ever had was the time Uncle Hershal took me to the massage parlor. Yeah, I was only six and had to sit out in the waiting room, but they had some really fun board puzzles. E-Mail.