D e c e m b e r 2 0 0 3


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December 1, 2003
Well, I just finished reading through the entire Internet. It was ok, but I liked the Cleveland, Metro New York City and Greater Los Angeles phone books much better. They were much more compelling.
entry # 1,987

December 2, 2003
I'd like to balance out the Christmasy theme of this month with the following...

entry # 1,988

December 3, 2003
Well, it turns out that Jergens doesn't make yogurt...but my tongue has never felt so velvety smooth.
entry # 1,989

December 4, 2003
This month we'll be approaching two TDJ milestones:

1. TDJ writer Scott "The Boy" VanPumpernickel will have elective plastic surgery to have his knees reversed, thus allowing him to walk like a flamingo.

2. Our 2000th entry.

entry # 1,990

December 5, 2003
As a joke, I ordered a "full body massage" from the drive-thru at McDonald's today. All I can say is that what was already a humiliating and painful experience became sheer hell when I opted to "Value Size" it.
entry # 1,991

December 6, 2003
Finally, Post has united the great taste and crunch of Grape Nuts with gum. New Grape Nuts Gum is an easy way to get your breakfast while you're on the run!
entry # 1,992

December 7, 2003
It turns out that Wendy's doesn't do the "Full Body Massage." However, you can "Biggie Size" your free cup of water to the point that they have to bring it to you via tanker truck. This is a great FREE way to get your swimming pool filled.
entry # 1,993

December 8, 2003
In the interest of encouraging some variety in the names of its citizens, the Federal Government is offering cash advances to parents that give their children the following names in 2004:

"Gertrude" $500.00

"Thelma" $1,000.00

"Jehosaphat" $1,000.00

"Flurgrunt" $7,000.00

"Jason" $10,000.00

entry # 1,994

December 9, 2003
TDJ Contributer Jason "All White McNugget with Skin" Hoffmanovich here. I'd take the time to respond to the obvious and poorly formatted December 8 entry but I'm too busy pulling the weight of the other two slacker TDJ authors. Either that or I'm too busy seasoning my new gravy boat.
entry # 1,995

December 10, 2003
Once again we celebrate the birthday of Joel Hoffman, a grown man who has never, to our collective knowledge, read this page. There were rumors once that he clicked on a link close to a link that would have brought him to a page that had a link to this page but instead he perused The official Dustin Diamond Page".
entry # 1,996

December 11, 2003
TDJ Writer Noodles Macintosh responds to the December 9 entry, which was in response to the December 8 entry: some of us are busy at work developing OTHER web pages, which makes it difficult to come up with ingenious bits of humor for this site that haven't been used 1,995 times before. Dustin Diamond doesn't pay just ANYONE to design his fan pages.
entry # 1,997

December 12, 2003
A bit of holiday poetry for the working man:

Christmastime is here
And the blustery wintry weather
Has frozen many machinists
But friend, do not fear
For packed tightly in leather
Is my Aunt Ethel.
She really likes leather.


entry # 1,998

December 13, 2003
I don't care how strong your relationship is, you never want to hear your girlfriend or wife exclaim, "I'm a stinky girl!"
entry # 1,999

December 14, 2003
Well, here I am with the honor bestowed on me to write the 2,000th TDJ entry and all I can come up with is, "Corn chips. Tasty." Sorry.
entry # 2,000!!!

December 15, 2003
At work, we have an odd aptitude test used to figure out whether or not you're qualified for management. I won't go into too much details, but here are a few things I find interesting...Once you've had your testicles removed and have received the anal probe they ask you a series of questions about goats. This is all a bit disturbing since our company usually has nothing to do with goats. After this, there's a physical competition that includes wrestling a goat and riding a goat. The test is topped off with a series of pointers on engaging with goats in a social setting. No one has ever passed the test, but our reclusive manager video-tapes all the sessions and watches them from his goat-herding hill. I have no idea where this entry is going. If you have any suggestions, please drop us a line.
entry # 2,001

December 16, 2003
More cost cutting on the corporate front: Last year each employee at my Fortune 500 company received a large potted poinsettia to adorn their abode during the holiday season. This year they lined us up behind a pickup truck full of topsoil out in the ally and gave us each one 4 plastic pot and five poinsettia seeds. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!!!
entry # 2,002

December 17, 2003
If Santa Claus was a merman instead of a jolly, fat elf king, wed roast water chestnuts over that open fire, leave kelp cookies out on that magical night, decorate our homes with colorful blinking electric eels and dream of toy pufferfish to be left under our coral trees.
entry # 2,003

December 18, 2003
Having a lumpy arm and crippled back would be an awful affliction but the worst part about being the Elephant Man would have to be keeping your proboscis clean for the pulchritudinous ladies.
entry # 2,004

December 19, 2003
"Asphyxiating Penguin": a great name for a band... not so good for a Chrysler product.
entry # 2,005

December 20, 2003
Beginning tomorrow I begin writing the 2004 best-selling followup to that inspiring and chart-topping business tome Who Moved My Cheese. Tentatively titled Who Ladled My Gravy, the executive-level-text (second grade) will tell the story of a little gravyboat who learns that although he may prefer chicken gravy, sometime sawmill is okay too.
entry # 2,006

December 21, 2003
Well, here it is December 29th already. And since you're reading this in the place where the December 21st entry should be, that can only mean one thing: EIGHT DAYS OF CLASSIC DAILY JOURNAL FILLER MATERIAL! Enjoy.
entry # 2,007

December 22, 2003
The origins of red and green as the official Christmas colors are sketchy. However, I have solid evidence to support the origins of the official Daily Journal Color of "HOT PINK" (also known as "fuchsia.") Hot Pink is the color that all of the TDJ writers were wearing when we first met at a coffee house in Birmingham, Alabama. In fact, we were all wearing fuchsia dance outfits and those hats that the Shriners wear. As soon as we saw each other, we knew we were destined to be together.
entry # 2,008

December 23, 2003
Candle wax has many uses in our household. However, our favorite is to use it to coat oven mits. There's no greater surprise for a chef than grabbing a hot pan with wax-coated mits. In many cases the sheer surprise of it all sends the hot pan and all of its contents all over the place.
entry # 2,009

December 24, 2003
The other day I took my wife and three kids to the Indianapolis Childrens Museum. Now, in the words of Dave Barry, "I'm not making this up."--I saw a father and his young son walk into an area where they have some older video and computer games. He looked down at him and said, "Hey, follow me and I'll show you what the very first Mario Brothers video game looked like." For me, this was a sad day in the history of parenting and museums--especially since the World's Third Largest Hairball was just across the hall.
entry # 2,010

December 25, 2003
Christmas Day. The memories are rushing in. When I was just five years old I can recall Mom and dad in the kitchen making a movie about wrestling. At least, that's what they told me when I walked in to get a drink at 2:00 am.
entry # 2,011

December 26, 2003
There's a special feeling I get when I cover my entire upper torso with butter and run through Wal*Mart screaming, "I'm Captain Butter! Captain Butter--do you hear me? And someday you'll all rue the day that you spread that phoney Parkay crap all over your pancakes!!!!!"
entry # 2,012

December 27, 2003
This is probably the longest batch of filler that I've ever had to create. Ironically, it reminds me of most of the papers I wrote in college and all of the reports I've turned in at work over the past seven years.
entry # 2,013

December 28, 2003
At the most recent meeting of our Public Library Board of Directors I formally requested that the Librarians suggest books that are not being loaned out on a regular basis. In turn, they would be rewarded with a financial bonus by increasing the borrowing rates of these books. There are many books that don't get checked out much these days with titles like "The Girl Who Gave Birth to Rabbits" and "Storage of potatoes: Post-harvest behaviour, store design, storage practice, handling."
entry # 2,014

December 29, 2003
All that filler and I cannot think of a single thing to write today. So, in lieu of writing I'll be performing a little dance number that I've worked out. Of course, none of this will actually come through over this page, but just imagine me with my fuchsia lederhosen, a black strapless bra and my real ivory boots dancing a jig on top of my desk at work while upper managements whisks me away. Another year, another lost job!
entry # 2,015

December 30, 2003
Just the other day, while shelving books (as is my wont) I came across The Joy Of Sex hidden amongst the toddler board books. I hate it when perverts try to steal the innocence of children with such trash. DAMN THAT GHOST OF MR. ROGERS!!!!
entry # 2,016

December 31, 2003
There's nothing funny about office furniture, even if Don Rickles is using it... naked.
entry # 2,017

 

 

(and now....secret messages)

 

 

Could it really be...2000 entries?

 

 

...and yet, Jason's brother REFUSES to visit our site!

 

 

January 9, 2003. Now go kiss my big white butt you dorks.