Jan U Aree 2004
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January 1, 2004
It's all about the rhizomes.
entry # 2,018
January 2, 2004
entry # 2,019
January 3, 2004
I'll never understand why I can't understand things I can't understand.
entry # 2,020
January 4, 2004
The under-appreciated American composer Charles Ives pioneered many processes taken for granted in the developing insurance industry. While estate planning and agent training have been popular for decades, his idea of lowering home office employement costs through "Rabid Weasel Wednesdays" is only now taking root.
entry # 2,021
January 5, 2004
Our church building burned down about a year ago, so we're now in the process of building a new one. Here's a list of a few of the rooms I proposed for the new building that have been turned down by both the architect and the local government:
"The extremely dry room full of paper, hay and matches"
"The flee-flowing hydrogen room"
"The hot chicks room" (do we have any Upright Citizens Brigade fans here?)
"The gasoline and fireworks room"
entry # 2,022
January 6, 2004
Tatoos are really "in" right now, but the thrill of burning, ink-seared skin is just not enough for me. I'm into "X-TREME TATOOING" where I actually get my internal organs personalized. For instance, I just had my wife's name tatooed to my duodenum. She's very flattered. However, if I ever have to have my spleen removed and she see's that naked tatoo of Cher, I'm hosed.
entry # 2,023
January 7, 2004
I get a lot of the inspiration for my TDJ entries from letters or instant messages that I write to people. I'll write something clever and then, "BOOM!" I turn it into a journal entry. Sadly, that hasn't happened today and you're stuck with this turd of an entry. Go suck eggs, toady!
entry # 2,024
January 8, 2004
entry # 2,025
January 9, 2004
So there I was, standing in a pile of excrement, holding two crash helmets, a bottle of ketchup, and a roll of aluminum foil. The grand piano had shattered into a million pieces and there were ferret innards scattered all over the room. Who knew that the employee Christmas party would be such a blast this year?
entry # 2,026
January 10, 2004
Just for kicks today I replaced that blasted Dewey Decimal System with the Lehman Handjive System. Two claps and a left-right slide are where you can find books on ferrets.
entry # 2,027
January 11, 2004
This just in: 1970s cartoon legend Fat Albert has just signed with Little Debbie Snack Foods Inc. as their spokesperson. Rough cuts of the new television campaign show Albert graphically mangling the decaying corpse of Dr. Robert Atkins via a thundrous butt-stomp.
entry # 2,028
January 12, 2004
Yes, it was free candy left over from Halloween 2003 but that's exactly the point. It was free so there was no need for me to feel as though I had to eat every piece in the Chewey "It's a kick in the mouth! Spree fun size package. Nay, I was liberated to from my usual cheap ways, free to be like those mothers who prefer Jiff peanut butter: choosy. And so it was that I found myself tossing yellow and green Spree into the wastebasket with reckless abandon, gnoshing on the orange, red, and purple... when it hit me. There was very little discernable difference between the orange, red, and purple for the overarching sensation one has when consuming spree is one of sensory-overloading sweetness. Checking the back of the package I was relieved to find that the first three ingredients were some form of sweetener (dextrose, corn syrup, and sugar) with egg albumen and perennial favorites xanthan gum and carnauba wax slipped in for good measure. No, there is nothing humorous in this entry (or most other entries) but I felt it was my duty to bore you with my version of a BLOG. Now you can finally sleep as you know my innermost thoughts on Spree.
entry # 2,029
January 13, 2004
Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise were spotted lurking around my sons elementary school during the annual Festivus Pageant, hoping to score a few new acting tips off the seasoned third graders.
entry # 2,030
January 14, 2004
In redecorating my house this past fall my wife and I learned the importance of compromise. She now has a honey oak wood laminate floor in the kitchen and I have a Dokken tribute band installed in the dining room.
entry # 2,031
January 15, 2004
The worst part about relocating to a larger, more spacious secret lair is having to retrain a new UPS guy on how to avoid the alligators and poison-tipped darts so that I'll get my order from Evil Doilies Inc. in a timely manner.
entry # 2,032
January 16, 2004
Didgeridoo! Digeridoo! Didgeridoo!
entry # 2,033
January 17, 2004
As she reached for his hand, her bosom heaved in anticipation of his touch. No more could she hide her feelings for him, no more could she mask the longing she felt in her heart. She tried to speak, but her tongue was a dry cottonball in her mouth. She looked at him with eyes that gleamed under his gaze. It was at that moment that she hacked up a huge hairball and spit it at his hobbit-sized feet. He burped in response, but the sound was overcome by her flatulence.Watch for chapter two next week!
entry # 2,034
Watch for chapter two next week!
entry # 2,034
January 18, 2004
I painstakingly retyped a co-workers Thesaurus so that instead of synonyms he'll find nothing but antonyms!!! Oh, and for every entry between 565.1 and 623.7 I offered "Hot buttered gravy" as the only suggestion.
entry # 2,035
January 19, 2004
Yet another Random Journal Entry Creator version 1.2 (hit Refresh for new entries and corned beef)
entry # 2,036
entry # 2,036
January 20, 2004
I just love those cough drops made by those banjo-playin' joke-tellin' brothers.
entry # 2,037
January 21, 2004
From the files of "What if I was 3' 7" tall, wore a hat made out of sausages, and was hounded by lunatic fears of a spectral Maytag Man":
I really don't mind my daily commute on the city bus despite people often snacking on my hat and then placing used McGriddle wrappers on my scalp. Nope, it doesn't bother me at all because I know that when I get home and throw my five deadbolts and turn on the anti-ion field generator that there's no way Ol' Portly Blue will be able to steal my sausages.
entry # 2,038
January 22, 2004
If you absolutely MUST pick your nose at work make sure you perform this action in the properly designated exterior Nose-Picking Hut.
entry # 2,039
January 23, 2004
Pajamas: comfy bedtime clothing that are very good at sopping up pools of human blood.
entry # 2,040
January 24, 2004
"B.J. and the Bear" has an entirely different meaning to zookeepers who dabble in the worlds oldest profession. And yet, it only costs $20 extra!
entry # 2,041
January 25, 2004LARRY THE HORSE!"
entry # 2,042
January 26, 2004
Can YOU spot which choir member huffed Windex before this performance?
entry # 2,043
January 27, 2004
My Uncle Casper who lives in the armpit of the backwoods of rural Indiana has been a bachelor all his life. The rumor around the family is that he's too picky but is it really too much to ask that a woman have more teeth than chins?
entry # 2,044
January 28, 2004
In twenty minutes I will laying on a table with a Red Cross technician at my side, plunging a large needle into my arm. But the joke will be on them because I've replaced my regular blood supply with Folgers Crystals.
entry # 2,045
January 29, 2004
Now is the time to begin thinking about filing your taxes. While normally a boring venture I will be opening a chain of EXTREME TAX PREPARATION CENTERS along the east coast where the CPAs will complete your 1040 using razor-encrusted pens, using calculators that are rigged such that one random key will cause streams of napalm to errupt from the display, and computers that send 120 volts of juice through the mouse every 415 seconds. We'll make millions for sure!
entry # 2,046
January 30, 2004
As far as I know Jim Henson never licensed his Muppet characters for use on pepper spray.
entry # 2,047
January 31, 2004
If your washing machine is noisy during the spin cycle, check for worn belts before calling the repairman. If it fails to fill with water, check for a kinked hose or plugged inlet valve. If deep, gutteral voices eminate from the liquid bleach compartment, try a name brand bleach for a few washes. If during the agitation cycle the machine levitates eerily off the ground at least 6" but no more than 18", offer it two hamsters as a sacrifice. If the levitation is less than 6" a simple burning on incense should do. If the machine channels the spirit of a recently deceased pioneering talk show host, try adding the fabric softner immediately after the first rinse. If the machine appears to run without problem but your clothes come out covered in thick, gelatinous, paranormal ghost-slime, flush the incoming hoses with holy water. If the machine fails to complete a wash cycle, check for stray varmints in the control section with a set of dowser rods.
entry # 2,048
(and now....secret messages)
Rog messed up last month's secret message and put January 9, 2003.