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Febtober 1, 2004
Well, it's official...I checked with every Wal-Mart in town and not a single durn one of 'em carries "secret butter." Frankly, I think they're tired of me asking.
entry # 2,049
Febtober 2, 2004
Scientists have recently discovered that boogers are nocturnal. In the late evening/early morning hours (usually between 3:00 - 4:45 am) they come out of your nose to go shopping and, most importantly, to go to Starbucks for coffee.
entry # 2,050
Febtober 3, 2004
I can now butter a piece of toast in less than 12 seconds. This breaks my previous record of 10.9 seconds which I held for over three years. I've been trying to get the Guiness Book of World Records people to recognize this, but they are no longer returning my calls. In fact, since the court ruling, I'm no longer able to contact them and have to stay 100 yards away from their STUPID building.
entry # 2,051
Febtober 4, 2004
I begin every work day with a cup of coffee and a muffin. At exactly two hours into the work day, I have a plate of nachos. At 12:01 I break for lunch, which always consists of two sandwiches, a bowl of soup and six ounces of carrots and/or celery. At 5:05, I drink 16 ounces of bottled water and head home for the day. In between these regimented disciplines, I practice my hoola-hoop and steal office supplies while I break things with my enormous butt.
entry # 2,052
Febtober 5, 2004
Check out our new Daily Journal mascot!
entry # 2,053
Febtober 6, 2004
In our continuing quest to bring you, the reader, the very lastest in information technology and Internet streaming media, we proudly present the following: Our very first VIRTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY, starring Miss Daily Journal 2004!
entry # 2,054
Our very first VIRTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY, starring Miss Daily Journal 2004!
entry # 2,054
February 7, 2004
While THE BOY may be so inclined to go the route of all this new-fangled techno journal entries, I, for one, will continue with the tried and true, text only, non-humorous entries. Such as this one. Oh oh oh oh! What has hundreds of eyes yet cannot see? A sack of taters!!! Ahhhhhh.... I just love that one.
entry # 2,055
Febtober 8, 2004
I know he's supposed to be dead but I'm pretty sure that Freddie Mercury is working in my office. First of all he's got that massive overbite and his secretary is a fat-bottomed girl but the moment of illumination came for me when, at a recent managers meeting, he broke out the silver sequined cape and gyrated melodramatically to give his departmental earnings.
entry # 2,056
Febtober 9, 2004
I've set up a toll booth at either end of the hallway outside my office. Yes, I know it's only human to gawk a bit but if I'm going to wake up with the world's largest post-puberty zit on my nose at least I can stand to make a bit of profit off the matter.
entry # 2,057
Febtober 10, 2004
Today I right-clicked when I should have double-left-clicked and now all my tech friends giggle at me behind my back.
entry # 2,058
Febtober 11, 2004
Today is "Loverboy Day" at work with many co-workers choosing to go the Mike Reno route with headbands aplenty! As for me, well, I've always been partial to keyboardist Doug Johnson and have thus surrounded myself with an array of twelve different PC keyboards, all hooked into the back of my lone PC. Ooooo the suspense! Which keyboard will he type on this time? Is it the beige IBM? The black one with the funky Page up/down keys? Or maybe the orange one with sparkles? I'll never tell...
entry # 2,059
Febtober 12, 2004
Two weeks into the marriage and my blushing bride Melynda drops a bombshell. No, she wasn't Burt Bacharach before "the operation" and no, she doesn't fake it in bed... it's WORSE... she fakes hysteria while reading my entries on this here TDJ just to boost my ego.... THE HONEYMOON IS OVER FOLKS...
entry # 2,060
Febtober 13, 2004
I'm wearing the new Suction Cup Underwear that I ordered off the Internet. It's everything I dreamed it would be!
entry # 2,061
Febtober 14, 2004
UPDATE FROM TDJ LABORATORIES: Two words, "Liquid Umbrellas". We'll make millions for sure!
entry # 2,062
Febtober 14, 2004
Here in Saskatchewan, today is the day that we call "Valentine's Day." As with every year, that means two things for me: crab cakes and a trip to the clinic.
entry # 2,063
Febtober 15, 2004
In celebration of The Boy's XXVIII birthday, everyone at the office will be eating the standard bowl of "Ricotta Cheese and Beet Birthday Soup," followed by a rousing rendition of "She Bangs" as well as a couple old Ethel Merman numbers. When the party really gets started, we break out the pinata filled with chicken gravy.
entry # 2,064
Febtober 16, 2004
No one yet knows why there were two entries for February 14 this month, but rest assured our independent counsel of TDJ Entry Inspectors are on the case. This crack team has always come through in the clutch for us before, like back in September of '82 when Rog "Corn Muffins" Shubert decided to dedicate an entire month of entries to his penchant for covering his naked body in Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup.
entry # 2,065
Febtober 17, 2004
When considering donating your internal organs, it's important to ask youself the following questions:
1. Do I REALLY need this organ?
2. Can I put butter on it?
3. What does this organ do, anyway?
4. How much money could I get for this on E-bay?
5. Are there any robotic super-organs that I could purchase to replace this organ?
entry # 2,066
Febtober 18, 2004
Every day I'm finding new and exciting uses for my pants. Today, for instance, I put them over my legs and buttocks and wore them into work!
entry # 2,067
Febtober 19, 2004
Lately, I've become convicted about my poor work ethic so I joined a group called "Underworkers Anonymous." However, it turns out that our local chapter folded due to a lack of participation.THANK YOU... THANK YOU... I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK! BE SURE TO TIP THE WAITRESS AND TRY THE VEAL!
entry # 2,068
Febtober 20, 2004
Is anyone else kind of creeped out, yet strangely aroused, by the new Quizno's Subs characters?
entry # 2,069
Febtober 21, 2004
Yes, Casper was a friendly ghost... a little too friendly according to L.A. District Attorney.
entry # 2,070
Febtober 22, 2004
Alice Cooper's birthday was February 4, Tim Chandler's was February 3, and my big brother Pedro had a birthday on February 15. None of them read TDJ, bringing to total of non-TDJ readers, as of today to 6,349,380,170. It's a sobering thought but no more sobering than a velvet painting of a crying clown dismembering woodland creatures with a hobby knife.
entry # 2,071
Febtober 23, 2004
Scientists in North Dakota have just discovered that deep inside each one of us there is a haiku master just waiting to be discovered by People magazine.
entry # 2,072
Febtober 24, 2004
Scientists in South Dakota have just discovered that deep inside each one of us there is a poo gland, a mischievous little rascal that can be stimulated by any food that begins with the letter "C". While coffee and corn are high on the list, cola, carrots, and carob cookies have also been known to set this little monster into action.
entry # 2,073
Febtober 25, 2004
One month into my marriage and I STILL can't get this silly grin off my face... but that's what you get for marrying a woman with a fetish for circus clowns.
entry # 2,074
Febtober 26, 2004
While I'm looking forward to seeing the Mel Gibson "Passion of Christ" movie, I have some reservations due to a few rumors I've heard. Although the cost of the film was amazingly low, funds had to be raised and in Hollywood that means product placement. Still, I'm hoping that when they offer Christ a Coke on the cross that the mood won't be altogether ruined.
entry # 2,075
Febtober 27, 2004
Here's a handy business tip for all of you corporate ladder climbers out there:
Regardless of what someone says to you, simply nod your head and say, "Yep! Me, too." It works for everything and saves you tons of time.
entry # 2,076
Febtober 28, 2004
I am SO glad I got ensnared in an office job right out of college. Otherwise I could’ve wound up in some hellish existence in the field of education, where my workday would end around 3:00, I’d have summers off, a powerful (terrorist) union to back me, and my superiors would have virtually no expections for results and no means by which to assess me. Oh, and a hefty TIAA-CREFF account.
entry # 2,077
Febtober 29, 2004
As Febtober draws to it's lingering conclusion, let us always remember this leaping day with the quad-annual celebration by turning garden hoses on the elderly.
entry # 2,078
(and now...secret messages)
If you're not reading this with gravy in your pants, you're not REALLY reading this.
"Secret Butter" - Ask for it by name.
Most people don't get around to reading the third secret message. That's what makes you special (in a totally retarded way, of course).