March 1, 2004
Recently, while driving through a series of throbbing grapefruit and quaking pomegranite, I took time to reflect upon the internal combustion engine that powered my 4 cylinder Commodemobile, amazed that such a beast could propel me headlong on an interstate while simultaneously taking care of my post-digestive needs... and I smiled quietly to myself.
entry # 2,079

March 2, 2004
If I were, say, some marketing guy on a Florida vacation with the wife and kids, I would make it a point to visit various points of general tourist interest such as DisneyWorld, Busch Gardens or Universal Studios. Notice, Roger, that I did not list The Museum of Menstruation which, incidentally, isn't located in Florida.
entry # 2,080

March 3, 2004
Every time one of my daughters lets one rip her dowry goes up $5.
entry # 2,081

March 4, 2004
While I'm generally against high taxes of any kind I'm willing to turn a blind eye when it comes to sin-taxes on imitation bacon-flavored bits.
entry # 2,082

March 5, 2004
Wink Martindale stopped by my abode yesterday afternoon, asking if I still had that room above the garage for rent. Unfortunately for him I had just rented it to Bob Eubanks.
entry # 2,083

March 6, 2004
I'm the only one writing these here entries this month as the other two boys are out walkin' the picket line. They want higher wages, an end to the setup-setup-punchline format, and for me to stop bringing my cardboard cutout of George Plimpton to the office.
entry # 2,084

March 7, 2004
And now a little poem for all you kiddies out there:

Blessed Red, Blessed Red
Fears and hopes now left unsaid
Though we're happy either way, Oh, Blessed Red.

Blessed Red, Blessed Red
Sure are glad that vas is dead.
Put those teething rings away
Oh, Blessed Red.

entry # 2,085

March 8, 2004
When you stop to think about it, the Sesame Street character Elmo is actually a kind of anti-hero, what with his rugged unshaven look and constant disregard for the constructs of the English language. Is it any wonder five-year-olds have his scruffy likeness tattooed on their forearms? SIGN ME UP!
entry # 2,086

March 9, 2004
Actual original joke from my five-year old daughter:
--Daddy, why did the turtle cross the road?
--...because he had a nose disease!
I can tell that she's brilliant already.
Editor's note: Oh YEAH?!?! Well, MY five-year old daughter can beat up YOUR five-year old daughter. Better yet, my THREE year-old daughter can beat up and hold down your five-year old daughter while my five-year old daughter lets a few ripe ones fly in close proximity. Five bucks says this is true and if we charge for the pay-per-view rights we can easily make millions for sure! entry # 2,088

March 10, 2004
True story from the road...While passing through some city in America's deep south(i.e. anywhere south of Indiana, as far as I'm concerned), I noticed a billboard that read, "TATOOS: DONE WHILE YOU WAIT". Thank goodness you don't have to leave your skin at the parlor for a few days. That would be a major inconvenience.
entry # 2,089

March 11, 2004
I once had an art teacher in high school who insisted that we only paint things nude. He wasn't just saying that we should paint pictures of nude people, but that we should always be nude regardless of what we're painting. I'm pretty sure he's in jail now and I was just issued a civil fine from the other day when I painted the porch.
entry # 2,090

March 12, 2004
Today one of my friends is having a vasectomy procudure done. In this day and age, it's a very brief (20 minutes) and simple procedure with very little discomfort. However, just to drive home the point, the doctor had him kicked repeatedly in the lower regions by circus midgets.
entry # 2,091

March 13, 2004
March 13 isn't particullary known as an unlucky day but upon March 13, 1975 my Uncle Flanksteak won a contest for a free cruise. On this cruise he met the woman who was to become his wife, a Swedish ski instructor who had just inherited her father's sizeable estate. They married and had a long and happy marriage, spawning a happy golden-haired family. But one day, as my uncle was planning to take yet another month off to tour Europe with the Mrs. he noticed an emerging hangnail on his left pinkie toe. OH WHY MUST YE GODS ABANDON HIM SO?!?!?!
entry # 2,092

March 14, 2004
Now that his sitcom is cancelled, Emerill has made it a habit of filling his spare time by visiting our local rest home. While the staff appreciates the time he takes to sit with the elderly inhabitants, he's caused more than one untimely demise with a well-placed BAM! in the middle of an otherwise placid reading of Robert Frost poetry.
entry # 2,093

March 15, 2004
My Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior has caused me, on numerous occasions, to go back and fix the grammar and spelling of my esteemed TDJ colleagues -- most recently, yesterday's sloppy entry. I am sure that I have somehow contracted OCB from my wife, who has a penchant for, among other things: alphabetizing our packets of fast-food condiments, washing her hands immediately after coming in contact with anyone whose last name begins with "Q", and vacuuming our backyard.
entry # 2,094

March 16, 2004
I just returned from Washington, DC, where I attended a conference about the Internet and computers. While there, I stayed at a very expensive Hilton. I was just thinking, that if the conference had taken place in Paris, just think of all the jokes we could make about the Internet, Paris, and Hiltons. Luckily for you, this is a family feature, and you've probably heard most of those jokes already. So, in place of a risque joke, I will only resort to the following punchline...

entry # 2,095

March 17, 2004
I had a totally original idea today and for the first time it did NOT involve donuts or smashing my fingers with a hammer. That's ten months of therapy paying off!
entry # 2,096

March 18, 2004
After many years of wishing upon star after star I awoke today to find that my naval is finally lactating.
entry # 2,097

March 19, 2004
"My office is like HAPPY FUN TIME but without all the HAPPY and the FUN....it's just the TIME part."
--Josiah (a guy who works in my office)
entry # 2,098

March 20, 2004
I have grown tired of the many birthday cards that we, as employees, have to buy and pass around every single time another coworker's birthday comes up. So I have decided to do my part in bucking the system by changing the little stupid messages I write on each card as they are passed around. In the latest round of birthday cards to come across my desk, I wrote the following:

"Happy Birthday! Hope you like the Salad Shooter."

Happy Birthday! Enjoy the veal."

"Have a great birthday! I hope the tattoo turns out lookin' great!"

"Happy Birthday! Don't worry, I'm sure the rash will clear up in no time."

March 21, 2004
"Tomorrow is the same as two days after yesterday."
--Confucius (Larry Confucius--no relation to the philosophy guy)
entry # 2,100

March 22, 2004
Another true story from the road...this time a road near my office. I saw a sign by some business that I cannot remember that said, "PRODUCTS FOR SALE". It's this type of economic ambiguity that has made this country what it is today. God bless America!
entry # 2,101

March 23, 2004
My left shin hurts. I felt compelled to share this even though I'm certain that not a single one of our one reader(s) cares about the state of my shins. But share I must. There's also a rather large hermit crab with his pincher firmly ensconced in the flesh of my left shin. Again, I know that you don't really care and I won't really mention it if it weren't for the fact that this hermit crab also stays crunchy in milk, a feat which is entirely different from staying crunchy in mink. I think I've said everything I need to say at this point. Goodbye.
entry # 2,102

March 24, 2004
At my recent annual exam my physician exclaimed, "WOAH! YOU'VE GOT A HEMI!" I only wish I hadn't been having my prostate examined at the time.
entry # 2,103

March 25, 2004
Editors Note to the Previous Entry: While we strive to make this here Daily Journal a family-friendly endeavor there are times when, being a bit lean on material, we go against our better judgement and slip in an entry that teeters precariously on the boundary of good taste. Hopefully we will never fall over INTO such an abyss of good taste but if we do, consider the following: poopy.
entry # 2,104

March 26, 2004
Due to ongoing negotiations with Viacom we are unable to bring you today's journal entry. However your monthly bill will be credited one mollusk for the inconvenience and you'll soon be receiving a coupon good for a free pay-per-read entry.
entry # 2,105

March 27, 2004
This entry currently unavailable due to contract negotations with Viacom. If you would like the express your concern, please contact Viacom directly at 1-800-MTV-STNX.
entry # 2,106

March 28, 2004
The management of TDJ would like to thank you for bearing with us through our recent contract negotiations with Viacom. We acknowledge that it has been difficult for all of us and that you may have missed some of your favorite entries. However, this being basic internet, you can be assured that these entries will be repeated again and again throughout the weekend and the wee hours of the night. In closing, allow me to again thank you for your patience and, most importantly, poopy.
entry # 2,107

March 29, 2004
As today is March 29, 2004 I shall now commence writing the March 29, 2004 entry. As I have nothing insightful, humorous, entertaining, gaudy, insipid, or miscevious to add, this entry is officially 12% more entertaining than 99.384% of any BLOG written since the invention of the format. I also have hermit crabs in my underpants.
entry # 2,108

March 30, 2004
I ran out of toilet paper on Sunday and due to certain blue laws knew that I would not be able to purchase any until Monday at noon. My bathroom no longer has wallpaper.
entry # 2,109

March 31, 2004
In light of March Madness I've been taking a poll around my office. 42% of co-workers named "Steve" believe that Herman Muenster "padded" his forehead (IF you know what I mean) while a mere 27% of the clinically brain-dead were dead-set against the death penalty.
entry # 2,110

(and now...secret messages)

Secretly, I'm tired of secret messages and I'm not gonna take it any more!

Binoculars are not useful in the eating of soup.

I can just barely hear you.