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April 1, 2004
People around here just don't "get" a good April Fool's joke. Apparently, in Indiana it's not funny to let a hungry goat loose at your office--especially on your day off.
entry # 2,111
April 2, 2004
I'm not sure how you would get to hell in a handbasket, or if you were going there that you would choose to go that way - I would think more like a solid fuel rocket booster on a 57 chevy might be better than a handbasket. But if it was a basket, it would probably be a Longaberger basket.
--Lloyd Lloydison (aka "Gern Blanston")
entry # 2,112
April 3, 2004
What if the people who went crazy and starting shooting randomly didn't work at the post office...what if they were all proctologists going nuts? Then would we have the phrase "Going Rectal?"
--Lloyd Lloydison (aka "Gern Blanston")
entry # 2,113
April 4, 2004
Remember kids, spleens and hammers don't mix.
entry # 2,114
April 5, 2004
And while we're on the subject of discussing our favorite weezully weenies, the French, lets not forget how the idolized Joseph Pujol, a man who entertained French audiences in the late 1800s by ripping tunes from his flatulatory gland. He has been called a "Fartist" but in the ensuing years, as wanna-be's have followed in his fart steps, none ever coming close to his impeccable skill, I think it is safe to say that he was a fluatuoso.
entry # 2,115
April 6, 2004
In three days I shall quit my job at the library to pursue my dream: To become the world's foremost collector of Rainbow Bright paraphernalia.
entry # 2,116
April 7, 2004
If I may digress into political waters for a moment, and as co-owner of this site I think I can, may I simply suggest that John Kerry undergo extensive surgery to replace his degenerating limbs with bionic equivalents. It will boost his numbers with the MTV slackies, make a great question for Trivial Pursuit, and allow him to change his position on issues with enhanced alacrity.
entry # 2,117
April 8, 2004
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, text-to-voice software now allows us to have our Journal entries audible. All for you, dear reader. No more messy, long, text Journal entries! Now, we can just present our Journal entries in mp3 format, recorded by a computer with a creepy voice!
entry # 2,118
April 9, 2004
This Easter, you and your family should enjoy a wholesome meal like THIS!
entry # 2,119
April 10, 2004
The latest craze in the plastic surgery industry is antler implants. I could get mine now, but I'm holding out for the ones that actually grow. These should be perfected in another 3-5 years.
entry # 2,120
April 11, 2004
When I cannot find the remote for the TV, I usually end up watching whatever happens to be on the particular channel that I have tuned in. We did this at our home for eight weeks straight one time. I believe we managed to memorize every info-mercial they aired. In some cases, people like Ron Popiel and Sandy Duncan became just like family. When I finally got up to change my shorts, I realized that I had been sitting on the remote for the entire eight weeks. Life is just funny that way.
entry # 2,121
April 12, 2004
I'm working on a full-scale model that is an exact replica of the entire known universe. I really enjoy the sense of power that it gives me. Right now, for instance, I've managed to bring you to this site to read this inane entry. In a few minutes, I've programmed your brain to ponder why it is that you keep coming back to this site. Oh, I also clogged up your toilets. Sorry.
entry # 2,122
April 13, 2004
I just found out that the company for which I work is being sold. We're all pretty much still in shock right now, wondering how we're going to provide for our families. Management always said that the employees were it's best asset so it's no wonder all the assets, from Steelcase file cabinets to staplers to the rights to employees souls, have been sold to a firm in Utah that specializes in scientific experiments. I hear Utah is nice this time of year and that it only hurts for a few days.
entry # 2,123
April 14, 2004
I just took the Lord Of The Rings Personality Quiz and it said I most resembled the character: Piece of Pocket Lint. BUT it went to on state that I was pocket lint from Gandalf's pocket.
entry # 2,124
April 15, 2004
I forgot my lunch today and so did my usual: steal from the company fridge. I hope Mr. "Sample" doesn't mind that I ate his lemon custard.
entry # 2,125
April 16, 2004
I wish I had a car that could fly to the moon like in that one show with the guy in it that kept yelling at his arm.
entry # 2,126
April 17, 2004
This weekend I caught up on a bit of Sid & Marty Kroft, thanks in large part to TVLand and some vintage cat in my Chinese dinner. While H.R. PuffnStuff still looked buff and the brave yet broken family in Land Of The Lost defeated yet more rubber suited Sleestacks, I was severely disappointed that Dynawoman was actually Art Carney in a wig and Dyna-Girl little more than a sock puppet with pipe cleaner arms.
entry # 2,127
April 18, 2004
Dear Mr. Gardener-Helper-Dude,
Now that I have children I would really like to turn my back yard into a grassy play area. However, ever since I've lived here that area has been inhabited by unemployeed Riverdancers whose constant practice leaves the ground compacted, lifeless, and grassless. To make matters worse, the area is in full shade. I've tried working peat moss into the soil, aeration, specialized shade grass seed, and a variety of fertilizers, all to no avail. Is there anything you can recommend?
Barren in Bartlesville
Shoot the Riverdancers, bury the bodies two or three feet down, cover with straw to keep the neighborhood canines away, top with dense shade grass mix and sit back to watch your lush lawn develope!
entry # 2,128
April 19, 2004
If I had friends, chances are they would tell you that I borrow their hacksaw too often, come over uninvited at all hours of the night, and that I reek of shallots. It's a good thing I don't have any friends because comments like that could really bring a guy down.
entry # 2,129
April 20, 2004
I know the economy is recovering but for my money it just isn't fast enough. Ever since things turned bad and the rodeo left town my store, Akbar's Used Salt Licks, has had a rough time of it.
entry # 2,130
April 21, 2004
If I ever teach foreigners how to speak English, the first phrase I'm going to teach them is "My, your dog has lovely hair!"
entry # 2,131
April 22, 2004
Mi, su perro tiene pelo encantador.
entry # 2,132
April 23, 2004
The battle to grow grass in my muddy, shady side yard has sunk to a new low: I've found myself pulling crabgrass and robust grass-like weeds from the flower garden and transplanting them to the forsaken land of endless shade. As far as I'm concerned, vegetation is vegetation. I know this isn't funny but IT'S MY PERSONAL WAR!!!!
entry # 2,133
April 24, 2004
Cruciferous vegetables make great bookmarks.
entry # 2,134
April 25, 2004
I hear that second grade teacher Ms. Califlower has been dating Mr. Cardio, the gym teacher. Jimmy and I were on the swings and he said that he saw them kissing at the movies during Stuart Little 3 and Mary saw them holding handings at the grocery store while they were loading their card with cruciferous vegetables.
entry # 2,135
April 26, 2004
A word of caution for the kiddies out there: Should someone approach you with a peripatetic argument, avoid the temptation to appeal to hellenistic rebuttals as they will only leave you floundering for substance.
entry # 2,136
April 27, 2004
Writing the previous entry took nearly all of my brain cells. Thus all I can give for this entry is the following: imagine monkeys picking nits from each other's backsides and talking about chickens.
entry # 2,137
April 28, 2004
I have no ideas
For even one more entry
Daily Journal stinks
entry # 2,138
April 29, 2004
There was one time, back in high school, when Roger decided that he no longer wanted to play the trumpet. "Da trumpit ain't no chick magnate," said Mr. Roger. "I want to bee a chick magnate so I'm gunna lern me the bow fiddle!" And thus began a ten year secretive journey of self-discovery, marmalade, and crushes on game show hosts. To this day Mr. Roger still cannot play the bow fiddle and his embouchure has withered to the point that he's a lousy kisser (as told by Wink Martindale in his upcoming tell-all auto-biography) but I gotta tell ya, he's a whiz when it comes to the intricacies of working the three-hole punch machine at Kinkos.
entry # 2,139
April 30, 2004
I used to be careful to keep a kosher diet but then a good friend reminded me that I wasn't Jewish and that eating bacon with dill pickles didn't qualify as kosher anyway.
entry # 2,140
Secret Message Numero Uno: I've got a crush on Donald Trump, and I dream about him telling me that "I'm fired," if you know what I mean.
Secret Message Numero Dos: Who else thinks that we should have a month of Journal entries where every entry has to end with the sexual double entendre, "if you know what I mean"?
Secret Message Numero drei: Finally April is done!