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May 2004
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May 1, 2004
There are twelve tarantulas in my pants and I'm not sure how four of them got there.
entry # 2,111

May 2, 2004
The best part about having your own garage sale is that people will actually pay you to take pesky uncles off your hands.
entry # 2,112

May 3, 2004
There's only 2,112 entries in me and I just wrote the 2,113rd. Don't know where I got the inspiration or how I wrote the words.
entry # 2,113

May 4, 2004
With Mothers's Day coming up, why not get the gift that keeps on giving: A riding lawnmower with the XTRA-SHAKE feature. Your lawn will have never been so carefully tended!
entry # 2,114

May 5, 2004
With Father's Day one month away it's time to start leaving hints about the perfect gift: A plasma HDTV with built in beer dispensor. Or if that's out of your budget why not ge the ol' man some more Beano?
entry # 2,115

May 6, 2004
Should you be left stranded by the side of the interstate, it's always wise to obey a few safety rules, compliments of our men in blue.
1) If a trucker stops to help and he reeks of gin, looks like a cast member from Deliverance, or is Elvis, do NOT get out of your car. Instead, play oppossum until he is convinced you are dead and drives away with your hubcabs.
2) Always, always, always bring along a supply of beef jerky. You'll be amazed at how cooperative the rural locals are when confronted with this tasty treat, possibly even garnering you free roadside assistance.
3) Only use your super powers as a last resort and only then, fly to the nearest phone. DO NOT let the mortals see you circumvent their natural laws or they may form a torch mob.
entry # 2,116

May 7, 2004
For some reason I refuse to let this site die a self-respecting death. Once upon a time it had the occasional funny thing but lately, with Roger off at the Drone-Bee Plaza and Scott drafted to be the poster boy for public service, I'm left all alone to fill these entries, often taking the easy way out by turning them into the very same dreadful online diaries (or BLOGS for those of you too timid to call them by their proper names) that this site was created to mock. *sigh* I guess I should add something about wombats or lemurs or some such rot but ever since Pepsi Foods, Inc. placed electrodes on my neurons via robotics placed inside a can of tasty liquid product, I have very little will to talk about anything but the glories of Yellow #5.
entry # 2,117

May 8, 2004
The end.
entry # 2,118

May 9, 2004
In an effort to rescue Jason from the neuro-bots inside his pancreas, I have decided to quit my job at the library and move to the corporate sector. After nearly six years as a public servant and tool of the government, there is really nothing funny left to write about work. Actually, there was really nothing funny to write about work in the first place. But now that I'll be on the production line at the Mesh Umbrella factory, I suspect I'll have more time to come up with trite ideas for this here web site.

Or else we'll just have to count on Roger to come up with something witty when he returns from his armpit transplant.
entry # 2,119

May 10, 2004
Only two weeks left in this job. I'll really be sad when I leave. I think what I'll miss the most is Tapioca Pudding Tuesdays. It's not just a benefit of my job, it's more of a lifestyle.
entry # 2,120

May 11, 2004
My sixth anniversary is quickly approaching. I wanted to get my wife something special, and nothing says six years of loving companionship like a new mesh umbrella. Luckily, I'll be getting them for 15% off very soon.
entry # 2,121

May 12, 2004
If I could comment on pop culture for just a moment ... I really feel as though I've lost all meaning in life without my "Friends."
entry # 2,122

May 13, 2004
I think I was born to be a racecar driver...no, a statastician...no, wait...uh....a barn owl. Well, I was born. I know that's a fact and no one can take it away from me.
entry # 2,123

May 14, 2004
I've been a bit absent this month as I've been busy towing the corporate line so that my parent company in England could sell us off to a NEW parent company in Sweden. God bless America.
entry # 2,124

May 15, 2004
Here in our corporate offices, all of our offices and cubicles feature the Nortel Norstar M7319 Telephone. This baby is packed with all kinds of exciting features. Interestingly, I noticed that one of our Engineer/Computer Programmers has no idea how to use it.
entry # 2,125

May 16, 2004
I once had a date with a woman who had a date with a man who knew the woman that I dated before I started dating the other woman who was enganged to the man that once went out with the second girl I ever went out with before my brain transplant. Pineapple.
entry # 2,126

May 17, 2004
If I were color blind, I wouldn't notice the fact that my boss is wearing a pair of slacks that doesn't match his shirt OR his sport coat. If I were a mute with half a brain, I wouldn't have made the announcement to everyone in our corporation this morning via the company newsletter that I edit. If I were employed, I wouldn't be writing this entry during our 10:30 am Department Meeting.
entry # 2,127

May 18, 2004
If I put off washing my hair for over a month, I can actually extract the oil and use it to lubricate my the chain on my bicycle. I don't recommend any of you trying this--especially if you have friends, family members or acquaintences.
entry # 2,128

May 19, 2004
I've been kicked out of my local hunting and fishing sportsmen club because I honestly thought that "beer battered fish" was a bass that you pummeled with a 32 ounce bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor. I thought the beating (or "battering") actually did something to the flesh to make it taste good or made the fish respect you more.
entry # 2,129

May 20, 2004
For some reason I've found myself listening to the sound of drums when listening to music... not what they guy is playing but how each drum sounds... the attack, the decay, the coloring... all that stuff. After mapping out a lot of these on spreadsheets and researching drum sounds on the internet, I'm pretty sure it sounds like these people are hitting things with sticks to make that sound.
entry # 2,130

May 21, 2004
I'm going to quit my job as a spore salesman to become a cabbie. But not your average cabbie... NEVER! Nope, I want to be the cabbie in this story.
entry # 2,131

May 22, 2004
I'm presently scarfing down a jelly donut and slamming a Dew. In ten minutes I'll be flying so high that I'll surely be able to think of a proper TDJ entry!
entry # 2,132

May 23, 2004
Well, summer is nearly here. That means that I'll be turning into a liquid. I don't get to pick what kind of liquid I get to be. Last year I was chicken gravy. This year, I've got my fingers crossed for "Beef Bouillon"
entry # 2,133

May 24, 2004
Today I became ill at work. I didn't throw or anything, I just had a fever and felt like the life had been sucked out of me by a rabid armadillo. I have nothing else to add here.
entry # 2,134

May 25, 2004
With gas prices soaring well over $2.00/gallon here in Indiana, I've figured out the "TRICK" at gas stations. Notice that most stations post not only their gas prices, but cigarette prices as well. With a single pack costing just around $1.69, I've decided to fill up my tank with cigarettes. However, I can no longer pull the car into my favorite restaurant to get a bite to eat.
entry # 2,135

May 26, 2004
Our e-mail system is down at the moment so the IT department sent out a mass e-mail to let us know that the system is down and would be up shortly.
entry # 2,136

May 27, 2004
A friend of mine, let's call him Elmo, is having problems with his posterior output device on his humanus biped. The worst part about having his problem diagnoses by highly trained professionals was the constant application of cold stethascopes.
entry # 2,137

May 28, 2004
And now a bit of observational humor:
What with gas prices being through the roof I'm sure all of your are rationing gas just like the greenies have been dying for us to do lo these many decades. The end is finally near and soon all our SUVs will be traded in for Gremlins and Yugos. Huzzah, huzzah! But I've figured out a different way to fill up my tank. You see, most people, pump their gas and are so disgusted at the price they have to pay that they finish as quickly as they can, hanging up the pump in great haste. If you wait right behind them with your mason jar you can get as many as TEN LARGE DROPS of gasoline for your internal combustion engine, especially if you exercise proper technique (which I'm not about to reveal here for fear of losing my precious free supply). So there you have it, kids! With a little bit of effort you too can have free gas!!!
entry # 2,138

May 29, 2004
If I were John Philips Sousa you'd better bet yer britches that I would have written "The Bunyion March."
entry # 2,139

May 30, 2004
Gravy is now the official currency in my house.
entry # 2,140

May 31, 2004
I love the smell of my own teeth.
entry # 2,141