February 2000
Click here for a complete listing of entries.For the entire month of February I hereby challenge my co-conspirators to make every entry about our unwanted, hairy friend... the yeti. Yes my friends, February 2000 is officially 
THE MONTH OF THE SASQUATCH!

February 1, 2000
This morning I awoke with a jolt as I remembered that today is trash day. I quickly threw on a robe and dashed downstairs, hearing the clank and diesel guffaw of the garbage trucks making their way down my street, hoping I wasn't too late. Jamming my feet into shoes untied, I ran out the door to see the truck round the corner, going away from my house... too late. But then my eye caught the image of my overturned garbage can beside the street and I realized that once again, I have been helped by the Do-Good Yeti. Thanks yeti! E-Mail.

February 2, 2000
If you absolutely must take your sasquatch out in public, please make sure that he is wearing a poncho. E-Mail. *Editor's Note: In this particular entry, note how the author combines the monthly theme of the sasquatch with the ever-popular "poncho" reference. This is truly brilliant in our own eyes.

February 3, 2000
Once there was this kid who saw me and ran away screaming. I quickly caught up with him and stuck my leg out from behind a tree, tripping him. When he looked up, his face covered with snow, seeing my furry grin, he screamed again and fainted so I painted his fingernails in Revlon Carmine Red. I bet he spends some time in therapy over that one!
I apologize for the above entry but my bigfoot insisted that I give him equal time. E-Mail.

February 4, 2000
In the sasquatch community, no one wears pants. E-Mail.

February 5, 2000
Everyone has their own sasquatch story to tell. My best one goes back to my dating days of high school during the late 80s. I couldn't get a date to the prom, so I ended up asking a girl known as "Brenda the Sasquatch" to go with me. Now, this was not a nickname given to her by a bunch of cruel teenagers because she resembled a sasquatch. "Brenda the Sasquatch" was her legal name and she was, indeed, a sasquatch. (Here in the Midwest, we don't treat the mighty Yeti as some sort of mythical being. We all know that they exist.) Anyway, the date was a failure because every time we hit the dance floor, she ended up throwing me into the band in all of the excitement. Then she ate one of the chaperones and did a little number in the punch bowl. It wasn't a dream date, but at least I wasn't sitting at home watching Knightrider reruns like the year before.  E-Mail.

February 6, 2000
I took my yeti bowling last week, and believe it or not he rolled a 264! Actually, don't get too impressed-- he rolled a 264 series. That's three games. His fur kept getting caught in the ball return. E-Mail.

February 7, 2000
I settled in last night with a Pink Lemonade Snapple and some Emu Chips, as I was preparing to watch a few movies from the highly underrated Police Academy series. As soon as I got to Bobcat Goldthwait's breakout performance as Cadet Zed in Police Academy 3: Back in Training, a Sasquatch burst through the window and insisted upon switching to Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (he mentioned that this is where G.W. Bailey was really "coming into his own" as Captain Harris). So, reluctantly, I switched videotapes. I tried to be polite and offer him some of my Emu Chips, but he refused. Oh well. More for me, I guess. E-Mail.

February 8, 2000
The other day I had a great idea! You know how you get hundreds of e-mail jokes and fun letters in your in-box from friends, relatives and even people you don't know? Well, what if I made my very own Internet web site where we could store all of them? That way, you could go back and read them whenever you wanted. Or, you could find jokes, riddles and (my favorite) puns that were never sent to you. Then I thought, "No, I think I'd rather be mauled by a tick-infested sasquatch." E-Mail.

February 9, 2000
I just downloaded my FREE credit report and was surprised to find that some banks refer to me as "Willy the Sasquatch"E-Mail.

February 10, 2000
You haven't lived until you've eaten a 1/4 pound Yeti Burger with a slice of Gouda cheese on rye bread. Let me tell ya, that's good eatin'.E-Mail.

February 11, 2000
Back in my younger days, I was playing in our annual backyard "Snow Bowl" football game with some friends. It was late in the game and tensions were high. I sprinted downfield and was ready to catch a perfect pass when a Sasquatch bolted from the woods near our backyard and tackled me. And a tackle from the mighty Yeti isn't a normal tackle, you see. My larynx was crushed, my leg was broken, my pancreas were in turmoil. My very life was in danger. But as my friends all ran for cover and someone mercifully called for an ambulance, the hairy beast looked down at me and apologized. And I couldn't help but forgive the big lug. After all, I found out later he had 10 bucks on the game. After all, not even the Sasquatch is immune to the gambling bug.E-Mail.

February 12, 2000
If you're like me, you love having two or three of your bigfoot friends over for a nice evening of Balderdash or Parcheesi. And while we all know that these mythical creatures are wonderful guests, it's no secret that they shed an awful lot of hair. I used to worry about the mess I would have to clean up, keeping me from enjoying a perfectly splendid evening. That's why I use Jorgenson's Disposable Couches. They have Disposable Loveseats and Disposable Recliners, too! E-Mail.

February 13, 2000
This weekend, I have noticed that there is a major shortage of Yeti artists and bands on Top 40 radio stations. Write your congressman, or congresswoman, or congressbigfoot, and let him know how much you miss the good ol' days when the Sasquatch ruled the airwaves. E-Mail.

February 14, 2000
Today: A DAILY JOURNAL VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL! The Sasquatch Guide to Dating.

First, if you are anything like the Sasquatch I know, you smell bad. Sorry, but it's just a fact of Yeti life. With a name like "Bigfoot," what can you expect? I recommend a jacket made out of Dr. Scholl's foot pad deodorizers. Big and Tall sizes are available.

Second of all, we've got to do something about the hair. I understand some chicks dig hairy guys, but this isn't the '70s anymore, you know? And if you start shaving in some crazy places, it will just grow back even worse. So we here at TDJ recommend a heavy dose of styling mousse. If large enough quantities aren't available, I have found that a big tub of lard works quite well.

And finally, once you've found that special someone, and you are ready for a night out on the town, try to downplay the whole stalking/roaring/terrorizing thing. Nobody likes a grouch. So for your convenience, our top Valentine's Day scientists have come up with a few phrases to use in those most intimate moments:

"I see you also have a hairy back."

"You may notice that as a Sasquatch, I don't have to wear any pants."

"Who's for dinner?"

and if all else fails: "You know what they say about big feet, don't you?" E-Mail.

February 15, 2000
Scott's birthday. Send Yeti Burgers in lieu of gifts.E-Mail.

February 16, 2000
So, I went into Wal-Mart the other day to buy some pantyhose and milk duds, and when the nice lady gave me my change, I got one of those spankin' new Sasquatch dollars. But, do you think I could get one of those smiley face stickers?.E-Mail.

February 17, 2000
We here at The Daily Journal offices know that big coincidences are just a part of writing for a multinational corporation like TDJ. And what would come across my desk this afternoon but a video called Big and Hairy. He's big. He's talented. And he's real hairy... He's Ed, a basketball playing Sasquatch. No, I haven't seen the film as of yet, but you can bet this is gonna be a big one in the my close-knit Yeti community.E-Mail.

February 18, 2000
I just decided that there are not enough jokes about inflatable fish in this world and will personally set out to change that. Except that, um, inflatable fish aren't very funny.
Oh yeah... yeti.E-Mail.

February 19, 2000
The sasquatch has managed to live side-by-side with humans for thousands of years now and one might wonder how it is that we have not had regular contact with members of this species. Well, I'm not certain, but I'm almost sure that the Loch Ness Monster is behind all of this. There is definitely some sort of plot. I also wouldn't be surprised if there weren't at least a few aliens involved, too.E-Mail.

February 20, 2000
February 20th is a special day all over Sasquatch homes here in North America. Known as "sadjkfhawhekajweh", or "Camper Day", Sasquatch families and communities enjoy grilled human campers and hikers as they tell stories about their heritage and trade stocks online using E*TRADE. E-Mail.

February 21, 2000
Jason has been avoiding me lately. I try calling him and he's not at his office. It keeps getting worse. The last time I saw him I noticed that he was wearing long sleeves all the time--and turtleneck sweaters--and pullover ski masks. It wasn't too long after this that co-workers could no longer find him at his cubicle. It's gotten to the point now where he is only RUMORED to exist. Yes, it's happened...he's become one of them...a sasquatch.E-Mail.

February 22, 2000
I don't care how pretty her smile is or how sultry her voice, skinny dipping with a bigfoot is just not the same.E-Mail.

February 23, 2000
I guess I should have seen the warning signs, the elongated arms, the mountainous piles of empty shaving cream cans in her garbage, the bad teeth. But I fell for her anyway. Now I'm married to a sasquatch. Sure, after marriage people tend to let themselves go a little but I wish she would start shaving again and stop asking me to groom the bugs out of her back.E-Mail.

February 24, 2000
In an e-mail I received from a friend and loyal Daily Journal reader in Minnesota:

I haven't seen any references to the 'Abominable Snowman' in TDJ this month. Sure, plenty of sasquatch, yeti and bigfoot references, but no snowman. They're the same things, aren't they?

Here you go, Brent: It just so happens, last night I was enjoying an evening of parcheesi and sausage links in my mountain cabin in Quebec. As usual, my Yeti was beating me handily. And as usual, he was taunting me. "Who's your Abominable Snowman? Who's your Abominable Snowman?" That sort of thing. And it really gets to me, ya know? I mean, usually he's just "Sasquatch" or "Yeti." But when he's talking tough, he's always "Abominable Snowman," like it's more intimidating or something. I would have said something to him about it, but last time, he called me a sensitive weenie and bit off one of my legs below the knee. But I suppose he's right. I do get awfully sensitive from time to time. E-Mail.

February 25, 2000
When asked to sum up my own personal sasquatch experience, three words come to mind: "Tastes Like Chicken".E-Mail.

February 26, 2000
The last time a sasquatch (allegedly) made the sports headlines nationwide was probably in 1973 when boxing heavyweight contender Earl "Smellyshoes" Johnson lost in a one round knock-out to an unknown opponent. The opponent's name was listed as Harry Bigmon and was listed at 6'11" tall and 375 pounds. Although it certainly earned Bigmon a shot at the title, it was his last and only fight. He disappeared into the woods of upstate New York, never to be seen again. E-Mail.

February 27, 2000
Throughout the entire month here at TDJ we've made incredible efforts to delve into the myth(?) of the legendary sasquatch. Furthermore, we've pondered their relatives, the Yeti and The Abominable Snowman. However, there's one close relative that we've missed, Snorkelsquatch. Snorkelsquatch (also known to some folks in Fiji as the "Squatchmaid") is the only known marine variety of the bigfoot. However, the Snorkelsquatch moved to the sea millions of years ago and have no feet at all! Legend has it that their was a rift between two ancient Sasquatch tribes in Central America. Rather than face bloodshed (as sasquatch communities rarely squabble) the smaller tribe moved to the sea with the aid of snorkeling devices (most people don't realize that the sasquatch is actually responsible for the earliest advances in snorkeling). Eventually, the forces of evolution molded the large feet of the sasquatch into a giant tail and their lungs developed into gills. So, what have I learned from this? Well, for one, my spell check has a nightmare with words like "sasquatch", "Snorkelsquatch" and "Squatchmaid". E-Mail.

February 28, 2000
Recently my six year old son asked my why most folks have never seen a sasquatch. "Well," I replied "we've never SEEN the computer-guided lasers that the government uses to control our thoughts. And we've never SEEN the eaves-dropping microchips implanted into our uvulas by secret CIA doctors during our birth. And we've never SEEN the military's 'black helicopters' flying over our bathrooms in the wee hours of the evening, BUT WE KNOW DARN SURE THAT THEY ARE THERE AND THAT 'BIG BROTHER' IS WATCHING OUR EVERY MOVE...RIGHT?!?!"  E-Mail.

February 29, 2000
If you're a salary worker and you had to work today, you worked for free. If you were mauled on your way to the office by the bigfoot, no sweat--free work day!E-Mail.