The Urinal...I mean....The Journal

The Month of the President!
The Month of the Sasquatch was so popular (we actually received two e-mail letters!) that we've decided another challenge is in order. For March, all TDJ entries must have something to do with a U.S. President! The goal is to use every President ever elected. Hail to the Chief!

March 1, 2000
Most folks don't know that Chester A. Arthur, 21st President of the United States, and his wife Malvina were the first to introduce "Dirty Dancing" to the states. That's right, Sweazy, Chester beat you to it. He just didn't have the wits to make a movie about it. And remember, "nobody puts Baby in a corner"! E-Mail.

March 2, 2000
Few people are aware the it was U.S. President James Monroe who coined the term "titmouse". Okay, he didn't really, I have just been waiting for a chance to use "titmouse" in a journal entry and everyone knows that combining "yeti" and "titmouse" is comedic suicide so...E-Mail.

March 3, 2000

Millard Fillmore, our thirteenth president, shown here suffering from gout. E-Mail.

March 4, 2000
When I'm in the shower, all I can think about is Grover Cleveland. Is that wrong? E-Mail.

March 5, 2000
The first president to die while in office was our ninth president, William Henry Harrison. What most people don't know, however, is that the first president to openly flatulate in front of French diplomats is John F. Kennedy. E-Mail.

After months of research, I have discovered that between Presidents James Knox Polk and Zachary Taylor, a woman named Marlena Flatbottom (pictured here) actually headed a military coup and served as the first and only Queen of the United States of America. Sadly, due to her unusual name, Marlena, she was unable to keep the people happy, and she retired to a long and lucrative career as a professional bowler. E-Mail.

March 7, 2000
The secret service men always referred to Calvin Coolidge as "Operation Trousers", though the reason for this has been lost to history. E-Mail.

March 8, 2000
If John Tyler and Woodrow Wilson squared off in a Calculus match to the death, my money would be on Wilson.E-Mail.

March 9, 2000
The best thing I can say about Bill Clinton is that he has a problem understanding the concept of binary numbers. E-Mail.

March 10, 2000

Our first-ever video entry with little known information on Ronald Reagan. E-Mail.

March 11, 2000
Historians generally agree that out of all the U.S. Presidents, Rutherford B. Hayes is the best kisser. E-Mail.

March 12, 2000
In 1929 Herbert Hoover made a failed attempt to get the national census to include a poll of "Best New Artist." E-Mail.

March 13, 2000
The first thing that Andrew Johnson did after taking office following the assassination of Abraham Lincoln was to remove the mirrors on the ceiling in the Master Bedroom. E-Mail.

March 14, 2000
"Fun Fact: Anyone could come to Andrew Jackson's public parties at the White House, and just about everyone did! At his last one, a wheel of cheese weighing 1,400 lbs. was eaten in two hours. The White House smelled of cheese for weeks." HEY FOLKS, I ONLY WISH THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD THE GENIUS TO MAKE THAT ONE UP, BUT IT'S A REAL FACT (AS OPPOSED TO MOST OF THE "FACTS" ON TDJ WHICH ARE USUALLY SUSPECT). CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF AT THE OFFICIAL WHITEHOUSE SITE OF U.S. PRESIDENTS. E-Mail.

March 15, 2000
Franklin Pierce gave us the catch phrase, "Get your own rhubarb" which was wildly popular during his time in office. I'm not sure what it means, but I think we should try to bring it back. E-Mail.

March 16, 2000
Champions of mediocrity everywhere, I give you Mt. Rushmore 2, which will be carved into the mountains of Central Indiana...

March 17, 2000
As everyone knows, Republican presidential frontrunner George W. Bush is the son of former President George Bush. But a lesser known fact is that former President Bush is actually a half-brother of Slim Pickens and Judy Garland. And all his friends call him "Bruiser." E-Mail.

March 18, 2000
If I could have any U.S. President as a vaudeville sidekick, it would be John Tyler. Man, could that guy do a spit-take! E-Mail.

March 19, 2000
Benjamin Harrison was the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question I had the other night, though I seriously doubt that he invented the creamy center of Oreo™ cookies. E-Mail.

March 20, 2000
James Madison was the first President to effectively use a campaign slogan during his election to the Presidency. His slogan, "Please Vote for James Madison" wasn't all that creative, but it got the job done. President Madison easily won re-election in 1814 using the same campaign slogan against his little known competitor Shecky Rubenstein who's slogan was also "Please Vote for James Madison" due to a mix-up with the printer. E-Mail.

March 21, 2000
Warren Harding (campaign slogan "Get Jiggy With Warren") was the first President to die of a heart attack while in office. This upset the administration deeply as most of his cabinet members placed their bets on Harding dieing in a pond snorkeling accident. E-Mail.

March 22, 2000
James Garfield never cared much for gopher meat. He preferred the gamey goodness of flying squirrel and served it at posh White House dinners regularly. E-Mail.

March 23, 2000
Should George W. Bush get elected President, it will NOT be the first time the son of a President was also elected as the nation's Chief Executive. The same thing happened with John Quincy Adams, son of our 2nd President, John Adams. In addition, Franklin D. Roosevelt was the fifth cousin of Theodore Roosevelt. Somehow or other, this all relates to the fact that my great-great uncle Rory once lost a bet and had to drink from the spittoon of Ulysses S. Grant. E-Mail.

March 24, 2000
Martin Van Buren was the subject of a recent conversation I had with one of my old friends from back home. It's funny how people change because I'm pretty sure that while we were still in high school, Paul wasn't a smoker, but he sure did put away the smokes during our conversation. It also looked as if he'd gained a few pounds. Ok, I'm being nice. Paul was HUGE. He's easily put on 150 pounds since the last time I saw him and the only time he stopped smoking was to down a few more pieces of cheesecake. E-Mail.

March 25, 2000
It's hard to believe that we've come this far without an entry for the most famous President of all-time, and the first--George Washington. E-Mail.

March 26, 2000
Harry S. Truman (Say the "Harry S." part to yourself really fast. It's funny because it's just like saying a dirty word) has been painted by history as a man placed in the awkward position of having to decided whether or not to drop the atom bomb on the Japanese to end WWII. But a more accurate look at Truman reveals that this was a no-brianer for old Harry S (say it fast again--heh, heh). Ever since he first took elected office as County Coronor, he went on record publicly saying, "The reason I ran for public office was to blow stuff up". He wasted no time at the Coronor's office blowing up unidentified bodies during county fairs. This was carried over to his brief stint as a city Prosecutor. He literally begged on his hands and knees before every judge he faced to be allowed to blow up the defense. So, choosing to drop a few bombs was nothing, he was more worried about having a middle initial without a name. E-Mail.

March 27, 2000
There's an exciting new CD-ROM game on the market these days: "LBJ and Banana Nut Bread: SuperBattle." You, the player, are ex-President Lyndon Baines Johnson, and your mission is to rid the world of banana-flavored baked goods. All in all, it's a pretty exciting game, and there are even some appearances by those evil minions, Cucumber Bread and Banana Cream Pie. Look for its follow up game, "The Adventures of James Buchanan and the Evil Fruit Roll-Ups."E-Mail.

March 28, 2000
After leaving office, Grover Cleveland founded a small city in Ohio and named it Cincinatti, because he thought the name was "catchy." Ironically, 12 years later, an unemployed plumber named Elmo Cincinatti founded another city in Ohio, and named it "Cleveland," because he had a brother named Cleve who was "really cool." E-Mail.

March 29, 2000
I had a dream last night involving lime Jello, cowboy boots, aluminum foil, and Richard Nixon. I don't remember the details, but it had something to do with the winter olympics.E-Mail.

March 30, 2000
Thomas Jefferson, in 1807, proclaimed sweet pickle relish to be the "Condiment of the Millennium." E-Mail.

March 31, 2000
The one remaining president on our list, in this "Month of the President," is Dwight D. Eisenhower. There was absolutely nothing funny about Eisenhower's life. Nothing. No humor whatsoever.

Except for the fact that he liked to wear socks on his ears and bark at his neighbors each night from the White House lawn. E-Mail.

March 32, 2000
William McKinley is perhaps best known for dressing up like a cocker spaniel. He's also the President responsible for annexing Guam and Puerto Rico, otherwise known as "the freak states".

George Washington (1789-1797)
John Adams (1797-1801)
Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)
James Madison (1809-1817)
James Monroe (1817-1825)
John Quincy Adams (1825-1829)
Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)
Martin Van Buren (1837-1841)
William Henry Harrison (1841)
John Tyler (1841-1845)
James Polk (1845-1849)
Zachary Taylor (1849-1850)
Millard Fillmore (1850-1853)
Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
James Buchanan (1857-1861)
Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)
Andrew Johnson (1865-1869)
Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877)
Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881)
James A. Garfield (1881)
Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)
Grover Cleveland (1885-1889)
Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)
Grover Cleveland (1893-1897)
William McKinley (1897-1901)
Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
William H. Taft (1909-1913)
Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
Warren Harding (1921-1923)
Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)
Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)
Harry S Truman (1945-1953) Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)
John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)
Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)
Richard M. Nixon (1969-1974)
Gerald R. Ford (1974-1977)
Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)
Ronald W. Reagan (1981-1989)
George Bush (1989-1993)
William J. Clinton (1993-Present)