Click here for a complete listing of entries.
February 1, 2002
Admit it, guys. We ALL pee in the shower. However, it's one thing to pee while the shower is running. It's quite another to just open the door and let 'er rip. E-Mail.
February 2, 2002
Bonus, Bonus, Bonus. E-Mail.
February 3, 2002
The other day someone asked me if I've ever been to prison. I sneered and screamed, "DON'T EVER ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN. I'M NEVER GOING BACK THERE!!!" Sure, I was lying, but you should have seen the look on that four-year-old's face before she ran off screaming to her mother--priceless. E-Mail.
February 4, 2002
People often stop me on the street. I assume that it's to ask about the eyepatch, but I never pay attention to what they say because I'm too busy sawing off my leg. E-Mail.
February 5, 2002
Seems like every time I have an original idea for my next novel I get interrupted. For instance, just yesterday I had an idea for... wait a minute... I gotta go water the daisies. E-Mail.
February 6, 2002
We here at The Daily Journal find comfort in our predictable, stable humor. Yesterday's entry, for example, had a punchline you could see from the New Jersey Turnpike, thus insulting the intelligence of our many readers. A better punchline would have been "I have fingers the size of canned hams." E-Mail.
February 7, 2002
Not to give away trade secrets, but another hilarious comedic device often used at The Daily Journal is The List. The list is usually comprised of three items where the first two items are normal, lulling the reader into a sense of complacency. The third item is the real zinger, the punchline, the big payoff. An example would be: "Woolen socks, a sombrero, Dinah Shore." See how funny that was? E-Mail.
February 8, 2002
And now I give you the INSULT OF THE WEEK (feel free to use this as long as you give us credit)
"You suck, suckwad. You suck so much that when anything else tries to suck they end up blowing because of your incredible sucking power." E-Mail.
February 9, 2002
The Daily Journal Legal Department has informed us that in the backwoods of a rural town in Minnesota, a struggling comedian has been stealing material from this web site to use in his amatuer night routine. While we don't really care if he steals our stuff, he should be made aware that if he ever wants to be successful in that business that he had better find a better web site to plagiarize. E-Mail.
February 10, 2002
Fun words on the same dictionary page as "plagiarize", or "How to complete yet another DJ entry": placebo, placenta, placoid, plagioclase, plagiotropic, plague, plaguy and plaid. The plaguy, placebo-addicted, placoid placenta avoided the plague by wearing plaid and hiding behind the plagiotropic elms in the plagioclase. E-Mail.
February 11, 2002
Sometimes, the best way to start out a Daily Journal entry is to simply start typing...thus this entry. It just goes to show you how the creative process works out. When I started this entry, I really had nothing in mind but now I've managed to ramble off 56 words of pure, unfiltered horse crap. E-Mail.
February 12, 2002
Numb. Blank. Nothing. Not only is this what comes to me as I attempt to forge this entry, it generally describes the entire contents of my cranial passage for the last seven years. E-Mail.
February 13, 2002
One of the games my mom used to make me play as a kid was something we called, "Burrito--Not Burrito". Basically, mom would make me taste everything in refrigerator and I had to determine if it was a burrito or NOT a burrito. It was really a pretty easy game, but I did end up taking a few trips to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped. I can remember the doctor laughing one time at the contents of my stomach and then whispering to my mother, "Boy, that certainly isn't a burrito!" Come to think of it, I don't ever remember having burritos as a kid. E-Mail.
February 14, 2002
I've been going through a lot of counseling due to some gun-related problems I have been having around convenience stores. Anyway, one of the things that has been stressed to me is my need to get things out in the open. So, I'm going to get this off my chest right now. I ACTUALLY ENJOY THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF CARROT TOP!!! There, I said it and I feel so much better. Look for future updates from me regarding The Golden Girls, Inglebert Humperdink and Tony Orlando. E-Mail.
February 15, 2002
While many in the scientific community are divided over exactly what THE SPLEEN does in the human body, we at The Daily Journal have consulted The Goat and have an answer. Simply put, a fresh spleen placed in your spring garden will keep away all pesky lawn ornaments shaped like oversized behinds. E-Mail.
February 16, 2002
I'm writing this entry from my hospital bed. For Valentines Day my wife decided to make me breakfast in bed but the waffle iron caught the sheets on fire. BADDA DUM! Thank you! Fort Wayne, I luv ya! E-Mail.
February 17, 2002
Another lenten promise shattered... but how could I resist fantasizing about Erma Bombeck in spandex? E-Mail.
February 18, 2002
Victoria's Secret doesn't carry much in the way of leather. E-Mail.
February 19, 2002
Although it took quite a bit of goading, my doctor finally wrote me a permission slip for work stating that I had chronic hemorrhoids and instead of sitting at my PC all day, I was to spend my work time walking around the office, chatting with the girls from the temp pool. The only downside is the weekly review board of my peers when I have to "drop trou" for them to evaluate if the treatment should continue. E-Mail.
February 20, 2002
I've figured out a way for the folks at NBC to get more ratings at the Winter Olympics. There are a lot of men who refuse to watch any of the ice skating events. So, my idea is to have the ice skaters competing at the same time, and on the same ice, as the hockey teams go at it. Husbands and wives will sit and watch these momentous events together! NBC, bringing families closer.E-Mail.
February 21, 2002
Don't you hate it when you're at a job interview and those Human Resources people try to ask you tricky questions. The other day, I had one ask me to describe to them one of my best accomplishments at work. Well, like I said, I know these are trick questions. They're trying to figure something out about your brain. So, my answer was, "well, this one time I...uh...well...NO! You're NOT gonna get in there. It's sealed. I'm not telling you about the office supply scam or the time I embezzeled money to a small account I set up in Tijuana, or the whole episode with the monkeys and the executive jetliner. You're not getting anything from me because I want this job you overstuffed piece of chicken fat!" I think I handled that well. E-Mail.
February 22, 2002
I am currently sitting in a computer lab at a midwestern university, as I am going back to school to try to make myself more adaptable to the current economy and job market. You would not believe how long the waiting list is for my class on Hairplug Design and Maintenance. E-Mail.
February 23, 2002
It's been quite some time since I've written a Journal entry, and methinks my humor has gone bad. I've forgotten how to make beef vegetable soup jokes, I can't remember if ferrets or prairie dogs are funnier, and for the life of me, I just don't see what is funny about the February 2 entry. But I do have one bit of ingenious information: If we can only get the guy from the Dell computer commercials to team up with Yakov Smirnov, we would have one heck of a good sitcom. And we'd MAKE MILLIONS FOR SURE! E-Mail.
February 24, 2002
I've decided that being a new father is a lot like working in a fish market, except that you don't have to clean and gut fish all day. E-Mail.
February 25, 2002
Today my supervisor asked for an "ASCII" file. Well, I'm not the most computer literate person on the planet. To tell you the truth, I didn't even know what "ASCII" was, let alone how to spell it. So, I just started searching the web for exactly what "ASCII" sounds like. I found a few files (that certainly seemed questionable at the time) and sent them out to my boss. How was I to know that these files would be sent to a potential customer planning to make a major purpose. We DID make the sale, but were unable to "produce" what the client was asking for.E-Mail.
February 26, 2002
I've just been sitting here with my guitar, trying to write a song for my band, the Flaming Toad Monkeys. My number one problem at this point is that I can't think of one thing that rhymes with "pumpernickel loaf." Ah, the life of a songwriter. E-Mail.
February 27, 2002
We are three days into March and we still have two entries to finish in February. You know what that means: it's time to consult the "Journal-o-matic 3000" for some fine, quirky prose in a timely and efficent manner. And what does the Journal-o-matic give us today? This tasty tidbit of information-- if you combine equal parts crunchy peanut butter, 10W-30 motor oil, and pureed squirrel, you get a delicious, low-fat treat! The kids love it! E-Mail.
February 28, 2002
My boss has these strange tendencies to make copies of his posterior on the company photocopier. Now that I've shown him the joys of computer scanners, I think he'll be a lot happier. E-Mail.
February 29, 2002