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February 1, 2003
I'm not usually one to brag, but I am currently in the running for the "Assistant Towel Boy" position at the YMCA.
entry # 1,716
February 2, 2003
The following REAL error message came up while I was creating a Microsoft Word file containing ALL of the TDJ entries through January of 2003. Needless to say, I was offended.
entry # 1,717
February 3, 2003
While not normally one the forward even friendly spam-jokes, I felt this one received from alert, medically-inclined TDJ reader known only to family and friends as EGH was worthy of inclusion in this site, no, could possible have originated from this site...
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Choi.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
entry # 1,718
February 4, 2003
Since we started TDJ nearly five years ago, we have made the following references:
entry # 1,719
February 5, 2003
Yesterday, while driving to my Gary Coleman fan club meeting in my ambulance, I made a quick stop for a cup of brown veal gravy at Carrot Top's house. While usually giving off a beefy, brothy smell, this particular cup more resembled urine. I tossed it out the window as I was driving and thought I was going to get off lucky because I just happened to pour it all over a police officer who was wearing a nice new poncho. However, the heat intensity of the soupy liquid burned his spleen. Today, I am rotting in this prison as I update the count of the February 4, 2002 article with my new calculator.
entry # 1,720
February 6, 2003
A lot of people, when they finally crack, say they are Jesus. I mean, Jesus is okay if you're into that water-walking thing, but personally when I snap and become the widow Agnes Budoso down on Avery Row in Crickard, Alabama. SHE RAWKS!
entry # 1,721
February 7, 2003
TDJ muse and regular reader JennyMonster, in an attempt to become the most "bendy" person on the planet, has just lowered herself into a vat of vinegar.
I slept through science class.
entry # 1,722
February 8, 2003
In addition to Black History Month, February is also Hygroscopic Pants Appreciation Month.
entry # 1,723
February 9, 2003
I think my spam-mail has issues. How else would you explain the offer for a product which will naturally enhance my mortgage, prolonging the payment schedule, promising larger interest payments and a longer payback schedule?
entry # 1,724
February 10, 2003
Due to a recent clause added to our insurance rider, the new company policy is that all employees are required to wear asbestos underpants. I tell ya, one killjoy decides to spontaneously combust and I have to replace my extensive (and valuable) collection of Marmaduke boxers.
entry # 1,725
February 11, 2003
Abraham Lincoln was a tall man who prefered to dine on deep-fried wombat fillets dipped in a secret blend of herbs and spices. Your dime-store variety educational providor will never tell you this fact but that's because of a decision made 100 years ago today by a coallition of disgruntled historians. You see, Lincoln took the recipe to his grave and they've been miffed ever since.
entry # 1,726
February 12, 2003
It's not often you read "George Washington Carver" and "merkin" in the same sentence.
entry # 1,727
February 13, 2003
Tomorrow is Valentines Day, which means my wife will be getting a shiney new snow shovel and a vacuum cleaner.
entry # 1,728
February 14, 2003
I'm pretty sure it's been said before but Grapenuts are not grape, nor do they contain nuts. Personally, I think they should choose a more descriptive name like, "Toothbreaker Regularmakers".
entry # 1,729
February 15, 2003
In honor of regular TDJ reader (and we mean "regular" in the same sense as the previous entry) ~skoopat, the TDJ staff had intended to thank el skoo for her patronage by defacing her image by replacing her face with either Foldgers Crystals or that of my "Ooo-BABY!" brother Pete, whose birthday is also today. But my access to a scanner is currently curtailed due to an incident involving various orifi that did not belong to me, an un-named brush salesman, two bottles of store brand ketchup (22 oz size), and an Art Carney impersonator. Then we thought that we could deliver a crumb cake-gram in person, but that air fare was too much. Then one of us (I can't rightly remember which one because we are really one being with triune identities) came up with the idea of building a giant sling shot in lieu of an aircraft, thus saving a bit of cash. But early experiments using the aforementioned Art Carney impersonator and/or a water buffalo ended tragically. Then we were going to UPS her a pet (half water buffalo, half Art Carney impersonator) but UPS won't ship live critters. Then that wasn't a problem but we figured Skoopat already had a taxidermied half waterbuffalo/half Art Carney impersonator, so that idea was scrapped. Two days later a roving Weeniermobile drove my house and CarrotTop exposed himself in passing. This really has nothing to do with our plight to enrich the life of Skoopat… I just wanted to sully the good name of CarrotTop in this entry, a name normally associated with the finer things of life. We were just about to give up when I received an unsolicited email offering me the chance to loose weight while eating pizza and watching Hope & Crosby travel movies. There was no way I could share such a treasure with the woman known in certain circles as "Portland Skoo", but if I lost enough weight and ate enough pizza I'm certain she would be happy for me, giving her a nice warm feeling similar to the one you get when you help a little old lady massage her goiter or recycle cans from the freeway to pay for the completion of a sex change operation of some guy/gal you just met at the bar. Similar, but different, but not too different. I think, if you stopped to think about it, placing a finger thoughtfully on your cleft chin, that you would understand. At least this is what I was doing as I attempted to devise the perfect Portland Skoo (or more correctly known as "Oregon Skoo") when in a jolt of sheer brilliance (assisted by three steamin' cups of java, a two-liter of Mountain Dew, a shot of Photoflow, and a red-eye gravy chaser) we decided to give the gift that keeps on giving. But none of us had a veneral disease (despite my current prescription for Aldara I do NOT have genital warts, nor do I aspire to such "bumpy bits" on my "naughty bits") so we instead decided to give ~Skoopat the longest TDJ entry to date. ENJOY! Corn. (522 words) entry # 1,730
February 16, 2003
Here's a little homeowners tip: The amount of butt crack exposed by plumbers, cable installers, car repairmen, or other hands-on-craftsmen is directly related to their level of skill and governed by strict union regulations.
entry # 1,731
February 17, 2003
In an effort to keep you informed and to ease the flow of Internet chat room communication everywhere, we at TDJ are proud to announce the latest emoticons and acronyms for your use and pleasure:
February 18, 2003
I'd like to cash in on the new TV reality show madness that's hit our nation. So, I've proposed the following reality show idea to NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox and even the "big boys"--UPN and the WB:
Celebrity Napkin - In this guaranteed hit, a well-known celebrity (e.g. Todd Bridges or Gavin McLeod) uses a napkin at a fast food establishment and then we trace it's path. Will it end up in the trash and then the local landfill? Or, will an employee or guest pick it up to sell it on E-Bay or add to his collection?
entry # 1,733
February 19, 2003
Here's another TV Reality Show idea. Finally, an entertaining use for an annoying holiday gift:
Who'll Eat the Fruitcake? - This time, we mail a fruitcake to a random member of the general public. The cake is outfitted with several microscopic cameras that send signals back to our studios so we can see what people do with it. Perhaps it gets thrown in the trash or stored away for a later date. Or, maybe it gets "regifted" to someone else. The madness never ends on "Who'll Eat the Fruitcake?" until someone finally eats it--then our cameras follow the bits and pieces right through the entire digestion process. It will be a "SPLASH"!
entry # 1,734
February 20, 2003
Another TV Reality Show idea--we're milking this for all it's worth. This time, the secret cameras are indestructable:
Get This Camera Out of My Bathroom! - The laughs never end when a non-destructable camera is installed in a residential bathroom in the home of the O'Connor family of Davenport, Iowa. They try to remove it, cover it up, even destroy it, but to no avail. They even try to sell their home, but we make sure that Mr. O'Connor loses his job and has no choice but to stay put. Finally, in a last ditch desperation attempt, Mr. O'Connor pulls off a murder-suicide that makes headlines--and guess who has the BEST footage?
entry # 1,735
February 21, 2003
Here's the last of the TV Reality Show ideas. There's nothing funnier than an iritated stalker:
Joe Stalker - Here's a twist on an already popular reality TV hit. Our "Joe" is Joe Smoot of Newark, New Jersey. Not only is Joe NOT wealthy, he's SICK. He lives with his parents and works ten hours a week at a comic book store. But his REAL love is Jenifer Lopez and he'll do ANYTHING to get his tatood hands all over her. When we give him the most sophisticated surveillance equipment available and an Amerian Express card with no limit, the wackiness begins.
entry # 1,736
February 22, 2003
One guy in our Boise office has a back spasm and now the Wednesday afternoon piggie back races are cancelled for everyone! entry # 1,737
February 23, 2003
If you are reading this and you were not directed to the TDJ site personally by one of the authors, please e-mail us using the above form. We've alienated all of our existing friends and are looking for replacements.
entry # 1,738
February 24, 2003
Your church may be more easy-going than my own but my recent spit-take with the communion wine didn't go over well with the elders.
entry # 1,739
February 25, 2003
I'm writing from the clink because the police discovered me inside my neighbor's house. In all honestly I thought today was National Hug Your Neighbor's Water Heater Day.
entry # 1,740
February 26, 2003
I apologize for the use of the word "clink" in the previous entry. Being a rural whitebread cracker I have no experience in the slammer, the cooler, the black hole, the house of correction, the cage, the pound, the pen, lockup, the detention unit, the reformatory, the vault, or my personal favorite, the Larry's House of Discount Clothing, and thus have no right to use such slang.
entry # 1,741
February 27, 2003
A friend of mine just called the music of the official TDJ band, Fluid Imbibers, "wonderfully horrible!" In our world that's the highest compliment.
entry # 1,742
February 28, 2003
Due to the recent economic downturn and the loss of my job boxing jujubees, I will now work for hamsters 'cause them's good eatin'!
entry # 1,743
HAPPY 62nd BIRTHDAY SKOOPAT AND MESQUITE-BOY!!!!