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January 1, 2003
2003...The Year of the Goiter! My New Year's Resolution is, as always, to hold up fewer liquor stores.
entry # 1,685
January 2, 2003
At the risk of coming across as a little too GEEKY, I make the following comment. I believe that Dick Clark is in possession of one of the remaining "Rings of Power."
entry # 1,686
January 3, 2003
I hope people are understanding and sensitive when it comes to my recent plastic surgery. I had a lot of money leftover on my medical expense cafeteria plan from work and the three extra fingers come in handy--even if they do protrude from my nipples.
entry # 1,687
January 4, 2003
We're having a shortage on entries this month. So, I'm looking for something from YOU, our readers (all five of you--including our mothers). Please feel free to use the Amazing E-Mail Box (above) to send us your entry. Also, if you can fit some beef jerky in that box, I'd really appreciate it.
entry # 1,688
January 5, 2003
The worst part about making New Years Resolutions is that I do well for a few days but by the tenth of the month I'm always laying face down in a gutter in SOHO, naked except for a new tattoo of John Candy on my buttocks.
entry # 1,689
January 6, 2003
I had a pretty good Christmas except Santa didn't bring what I really wanted. I guess there just isn't room in his sleigh for a 50 gallon drum of sawmill gravy.
entry # 1,690
January 7, 2003
As I venture back out into the dating world of 2003 I've learned that while much has changed in the last decade, pants are still not optional at many popular singles scenes.
entry # 1,691
January 8, 2003
The air was cold that day, my friend. Cold. Colder than a strip of bacon sizzling on a red-hot cast iron skillet. But that cast iron skillet was of a compound not normally found on earth, having been brought by an ancient civilization millions of years ago, a civilization that fell due to their fascination with ankles. And what ankles those were!
entry # 1,692
January 9, 2003
After years of trying I've finally succeeded in growing chin stubble! Or maybe that's a comfortable paunch.
entry # 1,693
January 10, 2003
I write press releases for a living. So, when things get slow, you have to be creative. Today, for instance, I sent out a release to the top 50 newspapers in the world announcing the purchase of the new toaster oven in the corporate break room.
entry # 1,694
January 11, 2003
entry # 1,695
January 12, 2003
For my money, there just isn't enough maniacal laughter in the workplace.
entry # 1,694
January 13, 2003
The best part about having mob hits buried in your back yard are the vibrant spring flowers!
entry # 1,697
January 14, 2003
Little girls have a way of melting you. Also, lasers have a way of melting you--but that's a totally different thing.
entry # 1,698
January 15, 2003
Although they certainly are "meat-o-liciously funny", puppets shaped like your boss, but made out of meat and intended to be grilled at office functions don't usually go over too well when it's time to get your yearly review.
entry # 1,699
January 16, 2003
One of the things that we like to do here at TDJ is to start new and exciting catch phrases that you can use in your homes, offices and personal hygiene parties. Currently, we're testing the following NEW phrase:
"That's hotter than a hot glue gun in my back pocket!"
Now, please note that we don't simply make these up out of thin air. All phrases are carefully tested on animals and unsuspecting people to ensure their practicality. Our scientific evidence (i.e. several trips to the emergency room with 3rd degree burns to the buttocks) has proven that this phrase is ready for common use. Try it out today and let us know how it works out (drop us a line).
entry # 1,700
January 17, 2003
Co-workers criticize me because whenever we go to Subway I ALWAYS get the meatball sub. I do it because anyone can slap together a deli-meat sandwich at home but who wants to go through the trouble of tracking, hunting down, and capturing each individual meatball just for one sandwich? I guess I'm just not an avid sportsman.
entry # 1,701
January 18, 2003
In a heartbreaking decision, Ruth Gordon has replaced Ruth Buzzi as the sexy pin-up gal on my work PC wallpaper.
entry # 1,702
January 19, 2003
Now that Microsoft has secured their hold on the world-wide operating system market, their new Windows2003 will boost more honest error messages like "What are you? A Doofus? Even my pre-school son knows how to do this!" and "You, sir, are a schmuck and an idiot." Future upgrades include the flashing of subliminal messages that make the user inexplicable mail blank checks to Mr. William Gates.
entry # 1,703
January 20, 2003
In honor of Dan Piraro, January 2003 is officially THE MONTH OF THE VESPA! Yep! For the entire month of January 2003 we will consistently avoid any mention of the Vespa... except for this entry.
entry # 1,704
January 21, 2003
Trust me on this one... While it is quite the fashion statement, stapling fried baloney to your ankles will do nothing for your lower back pain. But I guess that's the kind of advise that can be expected from my HMO's Primary Care Witch Doctor.
entry # 1,705
January 22, 2003
As the snow floats down gently to the earth outside my window, I think back to my childhood, and that January blizzard of '79 when my parents made me sleep in the backyard for two weeks in the "igloo" that my older brother and I made. I think of the snowball fights, the frostbite, the drinking of our own urine to survive. I smile as I look down my misshapen feet and the lumps where my toes once were...ah, good times.
entry # 1,706
January 23, 2003
For Christmas, I received the new guitar amplifier that I had wanted-- the one that comes with the special "OstrichSwitch 2000" switch, which produces a tremendous sound that can only be described as Whoopi Goldberg-influenced Flightless Bird-rockabilly.
entry # 1,707
January 24, 2003
Two days ago the scale at work registered me at 180. Today it reads 175. While I'd like to think myself capable of birthing a five pound bowel movement, I suspect some kind of chicanery.
entry # 1,708
January 25, 2003
Life would be so much simpler if the air around us was replaced with black cherry jello.
entry # 1,709
January 26, 2003
entry # 1,710
January 27, 2003
In a futile attempt to educate our readers, TDJ presents the following grammer lesson:<>
Analogy - Similarity in some respects between things otherwise unlike (ex: A recent work memo reads: "Even with this vending machine price increase, we are still below the industry average for vending machine prices." Which is all well and good because even with my recent increase in slacking I'm still above the average for work output in my office.)
Metaphor - A figure of speech containing an implied comparison (ex: The candied-yam smile of the senior executive induced instant mistrust in those who met him.)
Simile - A figure of speech where one thing is likened to another dissimilar thing by the use of "like" or "as" (ex: The meeting was as endless as a visit to the proctologist.)
entry # 1,711
January 28, 2003
For me, nothing screams, "PRODUCTIVITITY" at the office like a few shots of Jagermeister!
entry # 1,712
January 29, 2003
When I was a little lad, my parents taught me to be shameful of my reproductive organs. But now that I've grown older and more enlightened, I am also ashamed of my liver, spleen and lower intestine.
entry # 1,713
January 30, 2003
Everyone seems to like the new Compliance manager even though he insists that you sit on his lap during meetings.
entry # 1,714
January 31, 2003
While moving into my house I tried to bribe the cable guy to give me free HBO. He didn't take it but the water guy did. Who needs old-fashioned water when you have the effervescent cleaning power of Dr. Pepper flowing from the kitchen sink?
entry # 1,715
JASON IS A NINNY!!!!!