July 1, 2002
It's a pretty exciting feeling to get to write the first entry of the month. Crafting a work of art, creating fine prose that will stand the test of internet time. It's too bad the only thing I can think of right now is how much I'm enjoying my new Do-It-Yourself Colostomy Kit. E-Mail.

July 2, 2002
I played a rather exciting game of Trivial Pursuit over the weekend. Sadly, I was again stumped by all the questions in the "Squirrels and Canadian Operas" category. E-Mail.

July 3, 2002
Lately I've been having unclean thoughts about banana bread. E-Mail.

July 4, 2002
It's the 4th of July, a day to celebrate our right to clean out the gene pool via explosive devices from Communist China. E-Mail.

July 5, 2002
There are the apples in this world and then there are the pomegranits. E-Mail.

July 6, 2002
Filler. E-Mail.

July 7, 2002
I just remembered that when I left work on Wednesday for the long weekend that I forgot to unlock the new temp from the supply closet. E-Mail.

July 8, 2002
I just got my hair cut and now my headphones don't fit. Perhaps it's time to adopt a hairstyle NOT circa 1976. E-Mail.

July 9, 2002
I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure I have an awesome pancreas. E-Mail.

July 10, 2002
Today's extra-long entry, from this month's Video Librarian:
Is Your Mama a Llama?, Virginia Wilkos' animated adaptation of the 1989 picture book...is a formulaic "who's your mama?" story. One by one, Lloyd the llama approaches his friends asking if their mama is a llama and receiving the same, differently worded, response: i.e., due to [fill in the characteristics] their mama couldn't be a llama (Jane the cow says, for instance, "she grazes on grass/and she likes to say "moo"/I don't think that's what a llama would do"). While admittedly cute and professional-looking, that elusive magical artistic spark (so clearly evident-- at least to me-- in the equally formulaic but wondrous In the Small, Small Pond) seems absent here, making this an optional purchase. E-Mail.

July 11, 2002
The worst thing about my new apartment is that Wink Martindale still has a key and often wakes me in the middle of the night to inform me of the prizes I've won. E-Mail.

July 12, 2002
If I ever get married again, I'm going to have Johnny Olson be the emcee. E-Mail.

July 13, 2002
A long lost (not very good) poem from the archives of el Hoffmanno circa Oct. 26, 1987:
I used to be a tonsil collector,
Had fifty jars around my house.
I used to be a nostril inspector,
Knew every type of every louse.
I used to be a fishbone salesman,
Sold a bone to every child.
I used to be a slimey freshman,
I swallowed gum for every smile. E-Mail.

July 14, 2002
More antique fun, this time a script from Shumanski on March 3, 1989! I'm pretty sure we broadcast this over the airwaves at K-Mart 3254 to the confusion of all.

LLOYD: Say, Ed, when you goin' ta work on yer skruffy yard?
ED: Well Lloyd I just can't get a good deal on lawn 'n garden supplies anywheres.
LLOYD: Golly Ed, why don't ya do what I do?
ED: What... put ketchup on yer pancakes?
LLOYD: No Ed! I mean goin' to the K-Mart Garden Center fer all yer lawn 'n garden needs. They got jist 'bout everything you could ever want for yer lawn 'n garden at low, low prices.
ED: Yeah, I thinks I heard of that K-Mart place before.
LLOYD: Well... what's stoppin' ya?
ED: My car...
LLOYD: Won't it start?
ED: I don't have one.
LLOYD: Ed, Let's go to the K-Mart Garden Center n' buy a rake. Then we'll see 'bout gettin' a car.
ED: Gee, thanks Lloyd, that's nifty.
E-Mail.

July 15, 2002
I've spent most of the morning rolling around in a giant vat of egg-whites and now my boss has asked me to coat my entire body with a mixture of bread crumbs, herbs and spices. Something is up and I intend to look into it after I complete my mandatory, "hot oil bath". E-Mail.

July 16, 2002
I've got a hemorrhoid THIS BIG and it's got Prepar
[ed: Sorry folks but as tasteless as The Daily Journal normally is we do have some small modicum of respect. Besides, this lame joke was probably done by every two-bit comedian fifteen years ago. ENTRY REJECTED.
[ed to ed: Um, no we don't and no it wasn't. Editorial comment overridden... LET THE ENTRY CONTINUE!]]
ation H written all over it. E-Mail.

July 17, 2002
I'm trying to figure out something funny to say about "lug nuts". Actually, if you think about it, "lug nuts" is pretty funny on its own. E-Mail.

July 18, 2002
It turns out that there are a few more people that now read The Daily Journal on a regular basis. Thanks Mom and Uncle Larry! E-Mail.

July 19, 2002
We named our three kids Faith, Hope and Cleetus. E-Mail.

July 20, 2002
Today I am pretending to be a German guy who recently learned to conceal his thick German accent. I have everyone fooled--except Günther. E-Mail.

July 21, 2002
I spend most of my days at work staring into a computer monitor--and thinking up new ways to use cheese puffs. Speaking of which #237 - Jawbreakers for the toothless. E-Mail.

July 22, 2002
In order to fix my older car's air-conditioner, I had to have it retro-fitted with the device that allows it to use the new Puron instead of Freon. This would have cost me nearly $800! Instead, I opted to have a Sears Kenmore(TM) freezer mounted to the passenger side door. I had the old freezer in my garage, and I suppose I spent about $10 on duct tape. E-Mail.

July 23, 2002
July 23rd is a little-known holiday here in the U.S. called Combustible Human Organ Day. I managed to surprise a few co-workers by blowing up my esophagus over the lunch hour. E-Mail.

July 24, 2002
We are now streaming audio from TDJ. CLICK BELOW for ALL MIME RADIO, available 24 hours a day!

E-Mail.

July 25, 2002
"Custard" is not a good name for a product that you eat. There's something offensive about the way that it sounds. E-Mail.

July 26, 2002
I've decided that instead of paying a lot of money for one of those "Invisible Fences" that I would just get an invisible dog. E-Mail.

July 27, 2002
The remainder of The Daily Journal for July will be devoted to my experiment to train a wild squirrel to eat from my hand at my rustic wilderness home.
DAYS 1-6: For the past few weeks, I've been placing bits of food on a plate in our back yard for one of the squirrels that lives in the big red oak tree. This particular squirrel has a grey spot on his neck. I haven't seen anything like it (or, perhaps I just don't pay that much attention to squirrels). Anyway, I thought it was only appropriate to name this little guy "Greybeard" for the purpose of my experiment. By the fifth day, the food plate was just outside the porch door which I had temporarily removed. I cannot fully recommend that you try this at home because I now have more bugs living in my home than I care to deal with. At any rate, on DAY 6, I was able to get Greybeard to eat from the plate INSIDE MY PORCH.

E-Mail.

July 28, 2002
DAY 7: The food plate is now in my living room which is the first room from the porch. This is very exciting. E-Mail.

July 29, 2002
DAY 8: I sat quietly for about an hour holding the food in my hand. I carefully positioned my hand so that it's sitting on the food plate. Greybeard approached the food and got as close as 6 inches from my hand. However, he did NOT eat from my hand. My hand really cramped up doing this and I hope things go better tomorrow. E-Mail.

July 30, 2002
DAY 9: I didn't think Greybeard was going to come around today, but he finally checked out the situation later in the afternoon. This time, he was about to take the food from my fingers when the phone rang and he ran off. I suppose I learned a hard lesson that way. Time is running out and my hand is in extreme pain. E-Mail.

July 31, 2002
DAY 10: SUCCESS! Greybeard cautiously approached my hand and ate from it. I quickly picked up the ball peen hammer that I had near my side and smashed Greybeard to death. E-Mail.

For the Record...
No squirrels were hurt during this event. In fact, there isn't even a "Greybeard" the squirrel that I know of and the whole event didn't even take place. However, we killed over 36 pandas for no reason.