June 1, 2002
The World Cup of Soccer is in full swing and we here at The Daily Journal are celebrating by spending a LOT of time on the toilet. We're not sure about the relationship, we just enjoy the extra toilet time. E-Mail.

June 2, 2002
Dear Diary: Today, Ashleigh's boyfriend, Brady passed me a letter after we finished swimming. It seems as if he wants to break-up with her and be with me. I can hardly believe it. Ashleigh has always been the most beautiful girl in our school and now Brady wants to end it with her to be with me. I'm so hysterical I don't know what to do. Besides the fact that Brady is totally hunky, I would probably be really popular. Do I risk my friendship with Ashleigh to be with Brady? Once I'm finished with Ashleigh, where do I hide her body? How can get her parents to keep liking me if they find out that I did it? WHY WON'T MY STUPID NAILS DRY!?!?!?!?!?! E-Mail.

June 3, 2002
My great Uncle Stephen used to always say, "Once you've ridden the Llama, you cease to make time for the Camel." I never knew what he meant, but it must have been significant because he probably screamed it twenty times as he was jumping to his death from the cellular telephone tower in our back yard while dressed like Barbara Bush. E-Mail.

June 4, 2002
It just wouldn't be right if we didn't do something to celebrate our 4th Anniversary. So, go buy yourself some cake, get really liquored up and tell your boss how you REALLY feel about him/her/it. When he/she/it gets really mad, the joke is on us. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! E-Mail.

June 5, 2002
I always thought that if I could do just one more thing before I died, it would most definitely involve the New Purple Ketchup from Heinz, and a monkey.
E-Mail.

June 6, 2002
I am often amazed at the complete lack of edible folding chairs in America. E-Mail.

June 7, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.

June 8, 2002
You may be tempted to think that eating an entire bale of hay will make you run as fast as a horse, but you need to make sure you don't forget the secret ingredient: salt lick. E-Mail.

June 9, 2002
In my continual attempt to grow ever more lecherous I've devised a new way to wink. Yep, I'm having my eyebrows surgically removed from my forehead and grafted on my buttocks. E-Mail.

June 10, 2002
I'm not sure what you are getting at except that I'm pretty sure I don't want to get what you are getting at. E-Mail.

June 11, 2002
My family goes back many, many generations here in America. My g-g-g-?-g-grandfather Martin was actually a soldier in the Revolutionary War. While some may remember heroes like Paul Revere and Nathan Hale, most don't know of the significant conribution made by my family. The phrase, "Muskets full of gravy" may have never caught on the way Martin had wished it, but what an inventive use for muskets. E-Mail.

June 12, 2002
For centuries scientists from around the globe have been trying to come up with a suitable substitute for shaving cream. Alas, I give you...gravy. E-Mail.

June 14, 2002
We at TDJ promise that we will no longer reference gravy as an easy way to create a journal entry. Well, we might still do it from time to time. C'mon, admit it...gravy is just funny. E-Mail.

June 15, 2002
It usually takes me just two cups of coffee to get going in the morning...and a can of Mountain Dew. So, just two cups of coffee and a can of Moutain Dew...and a Twinkie. Just two cups of coffee, a can of Mountain Dew and a Twinkie, that's it...and usually a bottle of cough syrup. Yeah, just two cups of coffee, a can of Mountain Dew, a Twinkie and a bottle of cough syrup...and a pack of smokes on the way into the office. Really, just two cups of coffee, a can of Mountain Dew, a Twinkie, a bottle of cough syrup and a pack of smokes on the way into the office...and some of those steroids that the baseball players use. Sometimes, I don't even get up in the morning. E-Mail.

June 17, 2002
Based on certain convictions that I have had for a number of years now, I became a vegetarian. However, this just wasn't enough for me, I followed the path to where I wouldn't eat ANY meat or dairy products. My growing convictions have led me to adopt a strict bean-only diet. I now live alone. E-Mail.

June 19, 2002
My mid-sized Midwestern town just experienced a decent sized earthquake, at least decent sized for a mid-sized Midwestern town. The impending doom really got me thinking-- wouldn't natural disasters be a lot more fun if everyone got free ham salad? E-Mail.

June 20, 2002
The fluorescent yellow highlighter is indeed a unique and unparalleled achievement in the annals of human invention. With what other instrument can you not only highlight notes on a paper, but also create a jaundiced look about ones buttocks? E-Mail.

June 21, 2002
The great things about chickens is that legally they can't be divided 50/50. E-Mail.

June 23, 2002
If muffins were from Mars would that make strudel from Neptune? E-Mail.

June 24, 2002
There just ain't enough orange pop in the world to make me eat another container of slug paste. E-Mail.

June 25, 2002
One of the things we're proud of here at TDJ is our ability to create new marketing concepts. Recently, we combined the popularity of EXTREME SPORTS (for Generations X and Y) with the affordability of UNFINISHED FURNITURE. E-Mail.

June 26, 2002
We have this beauty shop/hair salon by my office called "Hairstyles of the Rich & Famous." I thought the whole thing was just a big scam until I went in and gave it a try. I asked them if they could make my hair look like ANY famous person and they said, "yes". At random, I picked one of my favorite television stars of the past and I was amazed. They were right. Now, whenever people see me, they have NO DOUBT that my hairstyle looks exactly like Telly Savalas of Kojak fame. E-Mail.

June 27, 2002
In my journies through a used bookstore I found an ancient tome describing a colony of Dutch S&M practitioners from the early 1800s. Especially nice were the illustrations of wooden underpants. E-Mail.

June 28, 2002
TRUE STORY: I was looking back at my calendar and found an entry for February 12 which simply read "Get Sausages." E-Mail.

June 29, 2002
I'm not a professional actor but I play one on TV. E-Mail.

June 30, 2002
I've been reading a great book lately called "Daddy's Under My Bed." It's the story of a 90 yr old still-born butler who's in love with his own shadow. A fine read. E-Mail.

June 31, 2002
The daily journal... still behind schedule. E-Mail.

June 32, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.

June 33, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.

June 34, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.

June 35, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.

June 36, 2002
Mr. Green Jeans...still dead. E-Mail.