The Daily Journal
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July 1, 2006
Now Playing : track4 by Spock's Beard
Last night I had a dream that my lovely wife and I were playing cards with my father-in-law and his wife. Except the part of his wife was being played by the lady who's the mother-in-law on Everybody Loves Raymond, though she was still step-mother-in-law, and everyone commenting on how much nicer she was being to everyone.
entry # 2,903
July 2, 2006
Now Playing : Silver and Gold by Burl Ives
Yeah, verily I am a blogger widow with various sundry details of my life posted for all to read. But she'll never get my prize winning chili recipe for her blog... never in a meeeellion years!
entry # 2,904
July 3, 2006
Now Playing : A.M. 180 by Grandaddy
Last night I saw a nativity scene that featured llamas instead of donkeys and cows (don't ask how I saw such a thing in the middle of July). Needless to say, this item is now high on list of "must-haves", deftly replacing my most recent #1 desire, a Pocket Juicer/Flowbie/Descaler/Cuticle Trimmer by Whamco.
entry # 2,905
July 4, 2006
Now Playing : Shostakovich's second symphony, played by timpani
As we reach the celebration of the annualization of this nations origination, I can't help but to succumb to contemplation of our forefathers postulation that over consumption of squirrel meat leads to constipation.
entry # 2,906
July 5, 2006
Now Playing : Sailing the Cove by Lost Dogs
I haven't written much lately because I've been investing my time in a service for husbands. After signing up and paying the initial set up fee their wives will receive a personalized Apology-O-The-Day e-mail from them each morning. GENIUS! We'll make millions for sure!
entry # 2,907
July 6, 2006
Now Playing : Everyday by Buddy Holly
Our CEO is in town for his monthly visit to whip us slackers into shape. He's one of those Ultra-Type A individuals who's so highly strung he finds it necessary to explode in a verbal rage of expletives (he's rather fond of the infamous F word) for no apparent reason. Since he turns red in the face with no provocation it's made me wonder what he would do if someone actually antagonized him. Thus begins a secretive campaign to make his visits more passive-aggressively more enjoyable for the home staff. Plus I'm hoping to win the office pool for when his head literally explodes.
entry # 2,908
July 7, 2006
Now Playing : When You Sleep by My Bloody Valentine
I keep having a great idea of how to quickly fill up TDJ with hilarious entries but this great idea is also an elusive one for it evaporates before I can write it down. I'm fairly certain it didn't involve pork gravy but one can never be too sure.
entry # 2,909
July 8, 2006
Now Playing : Techno by Dr. Zoydbergh
In anticipation of a site visit from a company we hope will buy us out it was requested that we clean the place up. It took most of Wednesday and half of the dumpster in the ally that belongs to the law firm next door but we got it done. We also found the mummified cadaver of Earl Munkerson behind the credenza in the conference room. We all thought he had up and quit one day but there he was all along. I almost feel bad for taking his coffee mug when we thought he had quit.
entry # 2,910
July 9, 2006
Now Playing : Feeling by The Jelly Jam
My wife thinks I'm crazy but I whole heartedly believe that every ill, every social disease, every itty bitty think you want to complain about in American society can be traced back to lawyers. Go ahead... send in an e-mail and try to stump me.
An easy example: People just aren't as friendly or helpful as they used to be.
Fifty years ago if you saw someone broken down beside the road it wouldn't be long until someone else stopped to help. These days few stop because what would happen if Helper A makes a mistake and causes damage or injury? Yep, they'd be sued. So they decide it's best to let the person fend for themselves and besides, they probably have a cell phone where they can call a properly insured and bonded towing company, again the result of more lawyer monkey business.
entry # 2,911
July 10, 2006
Now Playing : Daisy Bell by Tin Hat
Daylight Savings Time: Yes, I'm from Indiana and while the rest of the country used to sneer at us as backwards for not adopting Daylight Savings Time I would just knowingly shake my head at the sheeple who were playing regional head games just to have more daylight at night. Now we've succumbed and our children can't fall to sleep at night due to that blasted sun! And of course, it's all the fault of lawyers/politicians who just love to play head games. Shell game, anyone?
entry # 2,912
July 11, 2006
Now Playing : Feel by Aunt Bettys
Marketers know that I'm a sucker for any movie involving a Sasquatch, as are most people in touch with their furry side. In attempt to ride the Sasquatch wave and pinpoint directed marketing I'm working on a process to digitally replace lead characters in popular movies with Sasquatch characters. The technology is there, the market is there (currently having to content themselves with watching "Harry and the Hendersons" over and over) and soon I'll be sending them their favorite movies through my new service, SquatchFlix. I'll make millions for sure and you will get to enjoy "Gone With The Wind" as it's director meant it to be, with two furry leads speaking lovely southern accents.
entry # 2,913
July 12, 2006
Now Playing : The Terrible Beautypower of Meow by Estradasphere
I have recently become fixated on bass harmonicas, thanks in large part to the large part they play on the most recent Tin Hat (formerly Tin Hat Trio formerly Bob's Lasagna Emporioum) album. Bass harmonica? Oh, yeah! You know that deliciously squishy sound heard on The Beatle's "Fool On The Hill"? Once I get one I plan to drop-D the thing and play with a local death-core black metal band. My stage name will be Barfbag Bassonica.
entry # 2,914
July 13, 2006
Now Playing : The Flattered Lightening Bug by Einstein Savage
Even if the Olympic committee again turns down my proposal I plan to start my own regional Full Contact Curling league.
entry # 2,915
July 14, 2006
Now Playing : Smuggled Mutation by Estradasphere
Apparently we have a reader from the Czech Republic. Living in Indiana, we TDJ authors have a special place in our hearts for landlocked republics. And as much as we love the Bohemians we strongly feel that the Moravians are underrepresented in movies of the 50s. In honor of our regular reader I plan to take my family vacation this summer in the beautiful Czech Republic, touring the lovely Prague to watch the many puppet and marionette shows that occur there by the hour. However I'll have to sneak over the border into Germany for quality beer.
entry # 2,916
July 15, 2006
Now Playing : Cinderland by Grandaddy
Our CEO has stated that raises are on hold for a few months while he reexamines our financial status. We're not sure why this reexamination requires flying to Hawaii in a private jet surrounded by crates of Spam but he surely has his reasons.
entry # 2,917
July 16, 2006
Now Playing : One of the Dominoes by Mark Heard
Fellas, if you happen to get your, um, plumbing disconnected and then reconnected, be sure you check out your doctors credentials thoroughly or else you may end up with hot and cold on the wrong sides.
entry # 2,918
July 17, 2006
Now Playing : Heart of Hearts by Mark Heard
This morning I forgot to put on my watch for work and now I feel curiously naked. Regular TDJ readers are now bracing themselves for a punchline about not wearing any pants but I am indeed wearing pants. They just aren't mine. And neither are the false teeth. Yes, today is Dress Like Grandpa day at work!
entry # 2,919
July 18, 2006
Now Playing : The Side of Town by Fluid Imbibers
Overheard in Wisconsin: "I swear dad, I wasn't out drinking and driving! The car got hit by another deer. Yes, it's the fifth time this year but I think his family is stalking me."
entry # 2,920
July 19, 2006
Now Playing : Suit Fugue by Kevin Gilbert
If every family in America had a Rescue Ferret we wouldn't have half the problems that currently plague society.
entry # 2,921
July 20, 2006
Now Playing : When You Give Your Love To Me by Kevin Gilbert
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country, or barring that, to the aid of their nearest living great-uncle.
entry # 2,922
July 21, 2006
Now Playing : Evaporated by Ben Folds Five
Vegans have their meat substitutes because although they don't want to eat meat they don't want to give up the flavor or the protein or yummy flavonoids. But what about those of us who crave the vitamins and nutrients and riboflavins of those dark green veggies like broccoli or brussel sprouts or genetically modified spinach flavored corn that glows in the dark? Yes, I'll be starting up a company soon to provide such vegetable substitutes and I'm going to make them out of meat, probably cow but I'm not ruling out the possibility of using pig or cat.
entry # 2,923
July 22, 2006
Now Playing : Jackson Cannery by Ben Folds Five
Last night I came home from work and found that the dog days of summer are upon us: three bloodhounds were perched on my roof, scouting for kibble. I wouldn't mind except for the droppings on my car.
entry # 2,924
July 23, 2006
Now Playing : Fleming & John by Letters In My Head
I work at a small company, so small that we don't even have a vending machine for pop, meaning that you either have to walk two blocks or visit a closer (but priced-for-lawyers) coffee shop. To solve this one of the guys brought in a little fridge and stocks it with pop, available for a mere fifty cents per can. But we still don't have easily available snacks... yet. As soon as I finish my Auto-Fry dispenser patrons can insert fifty cents and get instantly deep-fried taters, seventy-five cents for sizzling chicken nuggets, and only a dollar for golden crispy brown fish.
entry # 2,925
July 24, 2006
Now Playing : A Year of Judges by Stolen Babies
My workgroup has decided to adopt Jackson names. From here on out I will be known as Tito while the network administrator is Jermaine. If you need office supplies see Marlon at the front desk. Except it's really Marlon Jackson. He's really good at alphabetizing.
entry # 2,926
July 25, 2006
Now Playing : Missed th Friction by Self
My wife and I recently went to a local antique mall that apparently has a problem with shoplifting. There were surveillance cameras with handwritten signs ("Smile, you're on camera"). There were signs that purses bigger than a certain size had to be left in your car. And on top of that I had to check my pants in at the front desk.
entry # 2,927
July 26, 2006
Now Playing : The Mesopotamians by They Might Be Giants
I'm happy to announce that TDJ is exactly ONE YEAR out of date. Except for this entry. Pay no attention to this entry or that man behind the curtain.
entry # 2,928
July 27, 2006
Now Playing : Song for the Leftovers by A Camp
I plan to have a transfusion of phosphorous paint so that I can read in the dark.
entry # 2,929
July 28, 2006
Now Playing : Octopus by 2 Foot Yard
I had an odd experience, even for me, lately as I was writing an e-mail. I wrote the slang word "Schnizzle" and it "auto-corrected" the word into "Schnozzle." Since when is Schnozzle a more acceptable word than "Schnizzle"?!?! Before long Big Brother is going to tell me that I can no longer use my signature catch phrase of GOOGINS!
entry # 2,930
July 29, 2006
Now Playing : I Just Want To Live by King's X
I've had this massive kink in my neck for days. Nothing has taken care of it... not massage or penetrating oils or triple vibrating massaging action. Even ol' Ben Gay struck out. I think it's time for a specialist but my insurance doesn't cover acupuncture. Fortunately my office has the required toadie and it won't take much to goad me into stabbing me in the back.
entry # 2,931
July 30, 2006
Now Playing : Dead Frog by Fluid Imbibers
Recently, as you all know, the price of gas has gone through the roof, growing dangerously close to $4 a gallon. You hear all these liberals telling the American people to stop complaining, that gas is $8 a gallon in parts of Europe. What they don't mention is that this $8 price is offset by the low cost of gravy.
entry # 2,932
July 31, 2006
Now Playing : Pththisis by Sleepytime Gorilla Museum
My wife is due any day and we're all excited. Even though the ultrasound technician said we're having a girl I'm still secretly hoping for a muppet.
entry # 2,933