The Daily Journal
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May 1, 2006
Now Playing : Randy Stonehill - "I Will Follow You"
The fifth season of The Golden Girls is now available on DVD. If you go to the main menu screen and select the image of Dorothy (Bea Arthur), you'll find an Easter Egg that leads to a deleted scene in which Blanche (played by Rue McClanahan) makes out with Mr. T. behind a dumpster in an elementary school parking lot. You heard it here first!
entry # 2,842

May 2, 2006
Now Playing : Fish Heads - Barnes & Barnes
In a moment (ok, HOUR) of weakness I found myself watching an E! Network show called, Who's The Boss, the Inside Story--or somoething like that. Some of the cast members were talking about the fact that Tony Danza, the star of the show, would often yell at other cast members, writers and crew members when things didn't go the way he wanted. Co-star Judith Light, who played Angela, defended Danza by saying that he was "passionate" and that he wanted things done right. According to Light, Danza was a perfectionist and wanted to ensure that the show reflected a high level of professionalism. And then I thought to myself, "This is Who's the Boss we're talking about, right?
entry # 2,843

May 3, 2006
Just the other day I took my son to a professional baseball game downtown. As luck would have it, we managed to grab a foul ball as a momento of our trip. However, as we were leaving the stadium we were approached by a homeless man asking for change. "He just wants our money to buy booze," I informed my innocent child. But we didn't leave him empty-handed. If a baseball game ever breaks out, "Crazy Earl" has a ball and will be ready to play.
entry # 2,844

May 4, 2006
Now Playing : Wax The Cat, Joel - Fluid Imbibers
I live in a neighborhood where we have several water retention ponds. The nice thing about having these ponds in the neighborhood is that they're also stocked with Midwestern angling favorites like large-mouth bass, blue gill and crappie. It makes for fun, convenient fishing. However, some of the locals have taken it upon themselves to make it even better by bringing home fish caught from other bodies of water and letting them loose in our pond. I know this is true because just yesterday while fishing for blue gill using an earthworm as bait, I reeled in a fifty-pound Icelandic Cod. Not to worry, I simply fed it to one of the many walruses that live on the dock.
entry # 2,845

May 5, 2006
Now Playing : 3 - Soul To Sell
Office life is a bit like camping - you just make do with what you have. Yesterday I had me some tasty grilled salmon while dining at my desk, using my trusty spoon from home. No time to wash up after lunch the spoon went into my coffee cup. This morning, needing something to stir my coffee, I grabbed the spoon and stirred. Mmmm... salmon coffee!

And yes, this entry is mondo-lame but so is our site. If I have time later this life I'll convert us back to the old, and apparently more inspiring, format.
entry # 2,846

May 6, 2006
Now Playing : "Thunderstorm" - Matthew Sweet
Realizing that we do not have an "Official Food of the United States" my family decided to take a vote. Thanks to my three kids having the majority in the family, we'll be sending a note to our Congressman asking him to recommend "Nachos" as the "Official Food of the United States."

(I voted for Klondike Bars.)
entry # 2,847

May 7, 2006
Now Playing : Mark Heard - House of Broken Dreams
I'm planning to have myself trepanned later this week, not so I can experience a mind-altering level of consciousness but so I can pour my coffee directly on my brain.
entry # 2,848

May 8, 2006
Now Playing : "The Inside of My Head" - David Wilcox
I'm not sure how this happened or if there's any sort of a Freudian Slip meaning to the incident, but earlier today I went up to the food counter at Costco and said something very odd. Instead of saying, "I'd like one polish sausage, please," as I intended, I said, "I'd like to be one with the polish sausage, please."
entry # 2,849

May 9, 2006
Now Playing : The Wiggles
I've spent much of the last couple of weeks either travelling on vacation, or travelling for work. And let me tell you, Mozambique isn't nearly as nice as it looked in the travel brochures.
entry # 2,850

May 10, 2006
Now Playing : Movin' On by Curt Kirkwood
I'm wearing a new cologne that smells like old tacos. How ironic.
entry # 2,851

May 11, 2006
Now Playing : ZAAR - Sefir
My fingers smell like bleach.
entry # 2,852

May 12, 2006
Now Playing : Amsterdam by Guster
Now that we've made it easier for us to keep The Daily Journal updated with the blog format, none of us bother to update it.

Uh oh...gotta run. The horse is running off with my buggy and I have my slide rule in the back.
entry # 2,853

May 13, 2006
Now Playing : Start With the Ending by David Wilcox
One of my pet peeves is when you hear people say, "My hat's off to [so and so]," when they still have a hat on. You see this often during interviews with athletes and coaches on TV. If you say, "my hat's off," and are wearing a hat, you should say something else, like, "I'm too lazy to actually take off my hat, but..." or "My hat's on to..." I take this very seriously. When I say, "I wave my spleen to..." I really have my spleen in my hands, waving in the air.
entry # 2,854

May 14, 2006
Now Playing : True Margrit - True
My department has decided to confiscate the old microwave that for the last year has sat unused in the corner of the break room. We're going to move it to our area and put things in it that we'd never dare in our home microwaves, things like tin foil or kittens or kittens wrapped in tin foil.
entry # 2,855

May 15, 2006
Now Playing : Radio for Heartache by Freedy Johnston
We just came up with a new product idea. Currently we just have the name. We'll fill in the gaps as soon as we get all of the research back. Here it is...

Super-Banana-Popcorn-Hotdog-Slurpee
entry # 2,856

May 16, 2006
Now Playing : Out of Exile by Audioslave
Getting a nickname from the other boys at school is pretty cool, unless they stick you with the nickname, "Turdlicker McGee."
entry # 2,857

May 17, 2006
Now Playing : Rendezvous : Potrero Hill by Architecture in Helsinki
We had a Japanese client visit our office for a few days and one of my jobs was to take him out to eat a few times. We visited my favorite Thai restaurant in town and had some VERY SPICY dishes. The next morning he approached me and said, "I had a very hot feeling in the toilet this morning."

I'm pretty sure that's the first time anyone has ever said that to me.
entry # 2,858

May 18, 2006
Now Playing : Somethin's Gotta Give by Bleu
It just occured to me that, because of the design of the human nose, everything we smell must smell like boogers.
entry # 2,859

May 19, 2006
Now Playing : Sandy Patti's Collection of Punk Rawk covers
When a whole month goes by without an update to The Daily Journal, it can only mean one thing.

We're not wearing any pants.
entry # 2,860

May 20, 2006
Now Playing : So Long - Adam Again
ON this date, September 15, 2006, TDJ IS BACK to it's former state. That would be the state of confusion and constipation.
entry # 2,861

May 21, 2006
Now Playing : The Lost Dogs ~ The Lost Cabin and the Mystery Trees
As an avid anti-sportsman I often have to endure lengthy discussions on sports and fantasy football leagues when office sports-nerds visit the sports-nerd I share my office with. Yeah, you heard me. SPORTS NERD. What would the average Joe think if Star Wars fans were constantly talking about and reliving moments from past movies? Or had a Fantasy Star Wars league? "Hey, I'll trade you Jabba for Bobba Fett." "No way! Jabba only had three stuns in the past season and Bobba is THE MAN!"
Sports nerds...
entry # 2,862

May 22, 2006
Now Playing : 100 Watt Smile ~ If You Won't Too (in my head)
It's a rainy day here in Hoosierland, which means that if I chose to ride my bike into work that I'd have those tell-tale muddy water streaks down the middle of my back. With the price of gas what it is I decided to pogo stick to work instead.
entry # 2,863

May 23, 2006
My beloved and I were recently watching Chapelle's Show Season One and noticed that episodes clocked in around eighteen minutes. We also noticed, through pausing and digital enhancements, that Dave is actually a small Asian man on micro-stilts. We were about to break this news worldwide when the Wang-Tu Clan showed up and started busting rhymes and throwing ceramic garden gnomes at our cat, sufficiently spooking us into keeping our silence.
entry # 2,864

May 24, 2006
My manager just stopped by and pointed out how I had messed up a process that ran willy-nilly over the weekend. Since it's our policy that whoever breaks something has to fix it I will be spending the rest of the week affixing "Hurentigo" labels over bottles that say "Senior Squishy's Medicated Follicle Balm".
entry # 2,865

May 25, 2006
I like my water like I like my women: ice cold.
entry # 2,866

May 26, 2006
Now Playing : The Lost Dogs - Ghost Train To Nowhere
My family has been haggling over our proposed summer family vacation. My oldest wants to go to Cedar Point while the younger ones are strongly in favor of DisneyWorld. My wife wants to visit Frankenmuth while I prefer anything that is close and cheap. Uncle Chet, which is what we call the homeless guy who often breaks into our house and sleep in the crawlspace, prefers a tropical cruise.
entry # 2,867

May 27, 2006
Now Playing : O.S.I. ~ Free
Lunch is the new breakfast of champions.
entry # 2,868

May 28, 2006
Now Playing : The Lost Dogs ~ Devils Elbow
In order to help with the backlog of TDJ entries we've hired an army of monkeys. The problem is (and I know you see this coming) we have to heavily edit their entries because all their jokes involve eating nits and flinging poo. Ultimately we end up not using any of the entries and make up our own flinging poo entries.
entry # 2,869

May 29, 2006
Now Playing : Jim Steele ~ Moonshot
I recently ran across a web site for a death metal record label. While it warms my heart knowing that bands names "Satan's Goat" and "Deadly Witch Fungus" exist what I find even more enjoyable is knowing that these bands all links to their MySpace pages. Yes, the domain of the teenage girl. That's real hardcore, dude.
entry # 2,870

May 30, 2006
Now Playing : Frost* ~ Black Light Machine
The other day while walking in one of the city's many fine parks I noticed a sign next to a wooded trail that read "Do not feed the dwarves." I'm not sure what to make of it but it seems that something political must be going on with the Parks Department because that have no such rules against feeding the trolls.
entry # 2,871

May 31, 2006
Now Playing : Bartok ~ String Quartet #2
As the baby boomers are aging and desperate to throw their hoped-for inheritence at anything that promises them the ability to hold onto what they think is their youth, I've decided to start a soda company that infuses the product with prune juice. To give it the appearance of youthful vigor I'll use an over-used marketing buzzword (but those old farts won't know the word is no longer used by the in crowd). If you've got name ideas let me know but right now I'm leaning towards Prun-O-Pop Extreme.
entry # 2,872