November 2005
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November 1, 2005
We're a few days late starting November's entries, because we've been touring with David Hasselhoff's band for the past few weeks.

entry # 2,662

November 2, 2005
November here at work is notorious for employee thievery, so that means pat-downs and occasional full cavity searches by security when I leave at night. Luckily, Big Hank is very gentle and has rather soft hands.

entry # 2,663

November 3, 2005
My wife is going out of town this weekend, so that means the kids and I will probably pull the gravy swimming pool out of the basement again.

entry # 2,664

November 4, 2005
Three bonfires and Halloween parties last weekend, and yet I was distracted by thoughts of our recent tour the entire time. Mr. Hasselhoff just has such a luxurious head of hair.

entry # 2,665

November 5, 2005
I'm pretty sure that the guy who comes in extra early each morning to make sure all the servers are working emits exterraneous omissions in my office before I arrive. He must hate me. Maybe I should stop referring to him as "Flatulant Fred" in front of the ladies.

entry # 2,666

November 6, 2005
If I could, I would go back in time and relive the hours between 2:15 and 3:55 on February 22, 1985. Man, those were the two best back-to-back lectures I ever attended.

entry # 2,667

November 7, 2005
Grout: Good for bathroom tile, not so good as a quick replacement for non-dairy creamer.

entry # 2,668

November 8, 2005
Things would have been different if Elwood Gumpster had been elected to his state senate back in 1801. For one thing, he would have had a chance to eventually move up to the U.S. Senate and then could have proposed that the national "critter" be the goat.

entry # 2,669

November 9, 2005
For the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT press the DEGAUSS button on your monitor more than six times in a row.

entry # 2,670

November 10, 2005
I used to think that I'm not as funny as I used to be but now I realize that its the rest of the world that finally caught up with me. At this pace in another eight years banjos and accordions will replace electric guitars and synthesizers as the primary instruments in popular music.

entry # 2,671

November 11, 2005
I really wish the voices in my head would stop. I mean, how many times does one need to hear the recipe for Rice Crispy Treats?

entry # 2,672

November 12, 2005
Chester from Accounting said that he was going to the post office and wouldn't mind mailing off some photos of my family to far-away relatives. So I gave him ten bucks and the package and off he went. It's three weeks later and the package has yet to arrive. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he pocketed the cash and didn't mail it at all. I mean, the next day he showed up in a pretty new dress that I doubt he could afford and there are pictures of my wife and kids in his office.

entry # 2,673

November 13, 2005
In an effort to curb allergies in our house I hired a duct cleaning service. In addition to a handful of crayons and pencils, the pulled a colony of schnauzers out of the main cold air return.

entry # 2,674

November 14, 2005
If you noticed a disturbance in the cosmic order today it's because for the first time in my life I put on my right shoe first.

entry # 2,675

November 15, 2005
If Benjamin Franklin had his way, Neil Armstrong would have said, "The turkey has landed."

entry # 2,676

November 16, 2005
Today is the first time this week that I haven't shivved a bum on my way in to work.

entry # 2,677

November 17, 2005
You know the holiday season is truly upon us when my neighbor decorates his flock of pink flamingoes in his front yard with tinsel and Garland. Judy Garland, actually. She's right there in his front yard. Weird.

entry # 2,678

November 18, 2005
The weather here in the midwest got me thinking about my rough childhood, back home in the Ukraine. One frosty winter morning, I got locked out of the orphanage, and the nuns didn't realize it until two days later. They had to amputate three toes on my left foot.

It really turned out okay, because you wouldn't believe how fascinated the chicks are when I show it to them at parties.

entry # 2,679

November 19, 2005
I had rice for lunch today. Sometimes you just feel like eating 5,000 of something.

entry # 2,680

November 20, 2005
I stole yesterday's entry from the late, great Mitch Hedberg. I don't think he'll care. After all, most of the entries in the past seven years of this site have been stolen from the mind of David Hasselhoff.

You haven't lived until you've experienced the mind of The Hoff.

entry # 2,681

November 21, 2005
Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. I told my kids yesterday that we can't afford a turkey this year, so we're going to roast our 12-year old dog, Precious.

That joke would be much funnier if we hadn't actually eaten the cat last year.

entry # 2,682

November 22, 2005
The World Wide Interweb Consortium recently passed the 2005 Gravy Tax Law. This means that three cents is owed every time the word "gravy" is used on the Internet. Subsequently, The Daily Journal will be having a bake sale next weekend in an effort to raise the $4,323,290.06 we need to pay off The Man.

entry # 2,683

November 23, 2005
I'm gearing up for shopping on Black Friday by scalding my feet with a hot iron. Got to get in shape if I'm going to get the best deals at Spatula City when they open at 6 AM.

entry # 2,684

November 24, 2005
This Thanksgiving, let us give thanks for the many blessings we have.

Man, I sure do miss The Dunk.

entry # 2,685

November 25, 2005
Four day weekends off from work are God's way of tellin us that man is not meant to live in a cubicle. We are meant to be free! Free to take off my pants, walk around outside in the 35 degree weather, and sing 80s New Wave hits to old lady Edna next door!

entry # 2,686

November 26, 2005
You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

entry # 2,687

November 27, 2005
I, The Boy, have nearly single-handedly saved the Journal from spontaneous implosion this month. If it wasn't for me, everyone would still think it was late October. And the neat thing is, I really have done it single-handedly. Seriously. Just one hand. I'm an awful typist; it takes me forever.

entry # 2,688

November 28, 2005
During a job interview today I was asked to name five people I admire. I listed off the usual four, David Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff's personal trainer, David Hasselhoff's 7th Grade drama teacher (to whom we are all indebted) and David Hasselhoff's dietician. Before I could get to number five, David Hasselhoff's plumber, I was mauled by a security officer and removed from the building. I wonder if it's too early to send a thank-you note. I don't want to appear overly eager, but I'd really like to get this job.

entry # 2,689

November 29, 2005
Technology is crazy!!! The other day I wanted to help out a homeless person, but didn't have any cash. Do you know that they accept credit and debit cards now? Since they are homeless and don't have immediate access to electricity, they cannot swipe your card instantly. However, they can hold onto the card for 24 hours until they get to the bank where they will only charge or debit your account for what you personally approve (in my case $5.00--I was feeling quite generous). I should get my card back sometime tomorrow night, under a bridge near the White River.

entry # 2,690

November 30, 2005
I have a weird old uncle who tells great stories from the days of his youth, growing up in the wild frontiers of suburban Minneapolis. Actually, his stories are pretty good, but they always end with, "...and that's when my testicles exploded."

entry # 2,691