September 1998

September 1, 1998
Some days are better than others. Today, for instance, was not one of those "better" days. That is, unless you count the amazing volume of fluids that exuded all day from my nostrils, surpassing the Guinness Record set back in '42 by Ed Grizbin.

September 2, 1998
Today, after my weekly jaunt to the local grocer was complete, I took my cart to the shopping cart storage bay, raised the basket to an upright position and rammed it into the back last cart. I found the experience cathartic, and yet strangely erotic.

September 3, 1998
There are many reasons why I am glad I'm a male: I don't have to color coordinate my lipstick with my blouse, I don't have to wear pantyhose (unless I'm in that mood), and the act of childbirth remains a mystery. But perhaps the greatest reason I am grateful is that I don't have fat, hairy men looking me up and down like I was a well-done steak.

September 4, 1998
I just ordered 7 CDs from the BMG online music thingy. It was swell. I cannot believe that I did it. Sure, they're all free, but something came over me and I ordered 7 copies of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" CD. Guess what you're getting for Christmas?

September 5, 1998
I live each day in fear that today is the day that the eggplants will riot.

September 6, 1998
My wife just got me a new pair of work pants. They are nice. I've had pants before with just one button in front. I've even had one pair with a secret inside button and a clasp! These pants have a secret inner button, a clasp, and an outer button. Getting out of them to drain das vein is like getting out of a chastity belt. Thus I dub these my Chastity Pants. I wonder if my wife is trying to tell me something...

September 7, 1998
It's been too long since I've seen George Burns on TV. Why don't they let him have his own show again?

September 8, 1998
I nearly soiled myself today preparing my breakfast. There I was, buttering my toast when I heard a tiny voice shouting out "MUTINY!" "It's the eggplants rioting at last!" I gasp in fear. Turning around, however, I saw that it was only a few withered grapes on the counter. I shudder at the thought of what Stalin would have done with a garbage disposal.

September 9, 1998
My daddy always used to say, "Son, if you're ever caught in the middle of a shopping mall with a pipe bomb, half an emu, and a can of waxed beans, eat the beans 'cause they won't let you take beans into prison." He was full of wisdom like that.

September 10, 1998
Once a week for the entire summer, I've been sneaking over to my neighbors house after they go to sleep, and mowing their yard by the moonlight, all without their knowledge. I've just about got them convinced that it's the work of Satanists and pixie elves and then the fun really begins!

September 11, 1998
I just can't stop saying it: titmouse, titmouse, titmouse!

September 12, 1998
As a child, I was forever haunted by the movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Then I realized that all the bratty little kids met untimely deaths in the bowels of the factory, and I felt better.

September 13, 1998
By now it should be obvious that Mr. Green Jeans is not going to rise again from the grave, so can just give up any hopes you may have about asking him to sign your tumor.

September 14, 1998
Bill didn't inhale... and neither did Monica.

September 15, 1998
The recent Clinton problems shows that there is more than one way to get sex ed into the schools!

September 16, 1998
After much soul searching, I've decided that there isn't enough atonal music in the contemporary church. Thus, I am quitting my job to create "Atonal Praise", a collections of the best in atonal worship music. With the proceeds from this CD, I plan to embark upon "Microtonal Praise", certain to be a hit with the kids!

September 17, 1998
Yesterday evening my wife got real ticked at me. I can't argue that it was my fault, but she made me hand over my secondary otter, a punishment I think is a bit harsh!

September 18, 1998
From my grocery list: apples, bread, peanut butter, mayonnaise, ice cream, can of green beans, assault riffles.

September 19, 1998
Last night I had the strangest dream. There was this kid in a high school class and he was wearing a baseball cap. The teacher told him to remove his hat. "I'd prefer to keep it on," said the youth. More sternly, the teacher warned him to remove his hat. Reluctantly, he did so, revealing a single orange perched on his head. Gravity soon grabbed hold of this orb and it fell to the ground. The class sat in silence for one, maybe two seconds until another young man stood up in the back. "ORANGE!" he cried, and the entire class made a frantic dive for the elusive fruit.

September 20, 1998
I know it's wrong... very, very wrong, but lately, I've had this irresistible urge to watch episodes of Cop Rock.

September 21, 1998
I've been experimenting with soup. I know, stupid, stupid, stupid. A man could get hurt, ya know? Anyway, I recently tried Aldi chicken noodle. As soon as I inverted the can, I should have known something was up. The chicken concentrate was thicker and slicker looking than Campbell's'. I ate it anyway. Suffice it to say that the end result of this hasty "experiment" is that I now only have one arm. Like I said, it was stupid, stupid, stupid! Campbell's forever!

September 22, 1998
For months now, I have been desperately searching for a way to use the word "indigenous" in a journal entry... and I have just succeeded.

September 23, 1998
A message from the mental blizzard of a bad head cold: I shudder to think of the tortures Stalin might have committed had he had American daytime television at his disposal.

September 24, 1998
Another message from the head cold: Sally Jesse Raphael is a goddess... one of us... become one of us...

September 25,, 1998
Today is a sad day for me. After trying for over a year to get a small business of the ground, I'm forced to admit that it was a bad idea from the start. But I was sure that "Child Stars of the '80s" would be a hit!
NOTE: If anyone is interested in buying a crate of Punky Brewster or Gary Coleman cards, let me know. Thanks.

September 26, 1998
I am not making this up! I just got something in the mail trying to get me to buy this guy's gardening book. As a teaser, he includes a recipe I should mix up and use to "keep pesky varmints out of your lawn, flowers and vegetables." The recipe is:
1 cup ammonia
1/2 cup dish soap
1/4 cup castor oil
1/2 cup human urine
Yes, I'm supposed to spray my own urine around my yard to keep the squirrels away. I wonder if it works for door-to-door salesmen?

September 27, 1998
Earlier this week, I made a grave error. You see, my older brother has always been a model-quality Adonis, but how was I to know that once he was exposed to the siren's call of the accordion he would abandon his family and friends to join the Lawrence Welk cult? Come to thin of it, he always did have a rather unnatural fondness for bubbles...

September 28, 1998
Mah sed tuh give him no nevermind but I cain't help it! My cuzin Leroy has gone an' changed his name, tryin' tuh git away frum his roots, gettin' all fancy an' stuff. Well, you can call yerself "LeRoi" all you want, Mr. Too Big Fer Yer Britches, but we ain't buyin' it!

September 29, 1998
Personally, I don't think that "Super Lucky Happy-itus" is a good name for a deadly disease....
     PATIENT: Ok doc, give it to me straight. I can take it.
     DOCTOR: Well Fred, you've got Super Lucky Happy-itus.
     PATIENT: Really? That's great! Wait until my family hears about this!
     DOCTOR: Um....yeah....well...

September 30, 1998
One of mom's favorite sayings was always, "the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach". Well, boy was she ever wrong when she finally cut him open. Who's stupid idea was that, anyway?