October 1998

October 1, 1998
Today is a new day! I've decided that life is better when it is lived with shaven armpits. Once that was finished, I felt so free and clean that I shaved my legs. After that my arms, belly and nether regions. From there it was a small step to complete my feet, back, bum, eyebrows, eyelashes, and head. Sure, the people at work think I'm nuts, but they aren't reveling in the Freudian glory of returning to the womb.

October 2, 1998
Will somebody PLEASE explain to me the significance of the "Salad Shooter"? Thank you.

October 3, 1998
Once in a long while, society is blessed to have a truly great man walk among us. That last great man was none other than Dee Snider of Twisted Sister fame. I doubt that we will live to see yet another human being have such an impact on the world, but we can pray.

October 4, 1998
There's a good chance that the next time you see me, I will be invisible. I'm still working on it, but just you wait.

October 5, 1998
Back on the oyster farm in Minnesota, we used to have a hired hand by the name of "Crazy Earl" that used to act like nothing was a big deal. A baseball could hit him in the face and he'd do his best to shrug it off like it was "no big deal". One time, he drove up to the farm and left his car in neutral as he parked it on a hill. As he closed the door, I remember screaming at him to get back in because the car was rolling backwards down a hill which dumped right into the river. The car picked up momentum and made a triumphant splash as it landed in the river banks and floated downstream. Earl looked back for not even a second before walking away. "It's no big deal." he would say while shrugging his shoulders, as he had hundreds of times before. He put in a full day and never even bothered to do anything about it. The next day he pulled up to work in another car. How could he just let things like that bounce off of him?

October 6, 1998
Ok, here's a great little party trick that I'm going to pass on to all of you...no charge! At the peak of the party, walk to the center of the most crowded room and fake an epileptic seizure. This works best if you fill your mouth with water and dishwashing detergent and spew it about the room while your arms and legs are flailing out of control. When someone tries to restrain you, force them to the ground and beat them with the heel of your shoe, demanding money for, "all of those phone taps you set up in [party host]'s house". Trust me, this one's a hoot and you'll be the hit of the party.

October 7, 1998
The easiest way to make friends is with a pocket full of cash and guns.

October 8, 1998
Three months of extreme sleep deprivation and you, too, can have a journal just like this one.

October 9, 1998
When I was a child, I used to think a lot about rabbits. I was completely enamored with the little rodents. It's kind of cute that I was so fascinated by such a stupid thing. These days, I'm really into chipmunks and otters.

October 10, 1998
Believe it or not, writing for this journal is not such an easy thing. This kind of creativity just doesn't come naturally. For instance, in order to write yesterday's entry, I had to submerge my legs into a vat of hot vegetable oil, cooking them to a complete crisp and rendering them altogether useless ("USELESS"). However, they were mighty tasty.

October 11, 1998
We have been asked on several occasion (ok, ONE occasion) just how it is that we can come up with our journal entries BEFORE that day actually occurs. Well, the SECRET has something to do with this little gem....CLICK HERE TO TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE!

October 12, 1998
I think the worst part about being Monica Lewinsky is that just about now, you are realizing that people will be dressing up as YOU for Halloween.

October 13, 1998
About fifteen years ago, a porn theatre was shut down here in town. Since that time, Cinema Blue has sat empty and rotting. Recently, some aspiring entrepreneurs have decided to make it into and art gallery/restaurant. All I can say is that there isn't enough bleach in the world to make me eat there.

October 14, 1998
For just one moment, sit back, relax, and reflect on what your life would be like if you were John Davidson.

October 15, 1998
I've been reprimanded for not crediting Miss Carolyn Noyes for the Oct. 13 entry, whose comments were more family oriented than my own. I apologize. Her husband Tim had the following comments on the aforementioned Blue Restaurant: "I hear they are going to have exhibition cooking." Obviously, this couple has a strange obsession with this restaurant.

October 16, 1998
Forgive this bit of superhero speculation. You've got superman who is able to bend steel and is only able to hold, say, a fragile can of pop through being extremely gentle. But what about spasms and other actions of the automatic nervous system? Would a simple leg twitch while sitting at a desk cause decimation of said desk? And what about the recent TV series where he marries Lois Lane? Current technology uses water under extreme pressure to cut through concrete and steel. The woman would be dead on the wedding night. No man has THAT much control!

October 17, 1998
Well, as long as we're on the subject of Superheroes, take a moment to consider one Steve Austin, better known as The Six Million Dollar Man (also known as the Bionic Man). Sure, in today's market, the Six Million Dollar Man would amount to someone like Erkel on Family Matters. Inflation has tarnished the image of this hero. However, take yet another moment to consider these two words: "Bionic Underpants". Briefs built to a standard so as to completely eliminate the need for washing. Embarrassing stains are not even an issue for these souped-up undies. Just the mere idea gets me a little excited...which would be completely concealed via BIONIC UNDERPANTS. Marvel!

October 18, 1998
[Removed by the request of one Carolyn Noyes--ninny!]

October 19, 1998
Friday was "Boss's Day", yet another official Hallmark Holiday, and perhaps the most contrived yet. Yes, me and my fellow employees scraped together our few remaining dollars to buy some useless trinket for our boss to show our appreciation for a man who easily makes three times as much as the highest paid among us. Then we all put on great smiley faces and presented it to him. Using our "Way-Back" machine, I have found that in a mere ten years, all pretense will be stripped from this pseudo-holiday. In the year 2008, Boss's Day is feared by those in management for on that day, they are fair game. Employees arm themselves with foam rubber Hallmark bricks which they are free to hurl at any passing management figures without fear of recourse. Yes, 'tis a glorious day, that is, until the year 2015 when Hallmark (at the insistence of managers everywhere) starts Employee Day, a day when managers are able to send employees to the Hallmark "Sewage Pits" for the day.

October 20, 1998
I'm in great need of a topical ointment. I'll say no more.

October 21, 1998
We got mail!

From:    Carolyn L. Noyes
Sent:     Thursday, October 15, 1989, 9:49 AM
To:        Mr. Fuddboy
Subject: From the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheathum, and Howe

Dear Mr. Fuddboy:

It has come to our attention that on your website, you have flagrantly referred to, mentioned, cited, bandied about, and used in vain, the name of our client, a certain Carolyn Noyes.

Please cease and desist this behavior immediately. Should you choose to disregard this notice, we will have no choice but to send mimes, who will disembowel small woodland creatures while trapped inside an invisible box, to your personal place of residence.

And we know you don't want that.


Erskine J. Dewey, Esq.

-----END OF MESSAGE-----

Thanks so much for the mail. It was so nice to receive ANY letter that we decided to print this one...even if Ms. Noyes couldn't come up with anything better than to steal a "Car Talk" joke. It's the effort that counts and that's what makes her so special!

October 22, 1998
On my drive to work today I saw the following sign on the side of a very busy road:

OCT. 24-25

If only I were making that up.

October 23, 1998
Say what you will, but I am quite certain that running about nude while shooting an automatic weapon in a crowded grocery store IS a wrong way to eat a REESE'S Peanut Butter Cup.

October 24, 1998

October 25, 1998
Yeah, my grandpa was like that, not mincin' words and all. He would tell it to you straight, just one word, maybe two, and be done with it. Some people tell me I'm just like him, about not mincin' words. They say I just say what I mean and don't say much except what I mean and that I get my point across with words to spare. I guess I take after my grandpa 'cause he didn't mince his words either. Some people say he and I are a lot alike.

October 26, 1998

October 27, 1998
My son is nearing three and a half and I am most desirous that he begin to use the toilet. But try as we might, he still prefers his diaper, going into near hysteria when we take him near the toilet. The diaper bills are cutting into my LOTTO money! Yes, you could say that I regret telling him that the toilet is a vacuous gateway to hell!

October 28, 1998
I bought a new kitten today. It was brown and orange with a cute little spot above it's nose. I named him "Mr. Flisker" just before I cleaned him. We cooked him up Western style and served him up over corn bread. It was delicious. If you'd like the recipe, just send me an e-mail.

October 29, 1998
No entry for today. No time. Gotta get more cashews.

October 30, 1998
I'm sure Shari Lewis was good-intentioned, but her "Song That Never Ends" has caused generations of childhood nightmares. I still suffer from them, walking in the middle of the night, cold sweat, eyes wide, gasping for breath, my mind wracked in sheer horror at those poor people who started singing the song, not knowing what it was only to become ensnared in it's eternal web, forced to continue singing that hellish song for all of time! HAVE YOU NO MERCY, SHARI?!?!? THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE SONG!!!!

October 31, 1998
Tonight is Halloween, or "Helloween" as one of my past pastors insisted on calling it. He was also fond of calling HBO "Hell's Box Office" and the television the "Hellivision." I think someone's mouth needs to be washed out with soap.