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April 1, 2005
Just to keep things interesting, whenever I visit the dentist's office, the first thing I do upon entering the room is ask where the defibrillator is located. Then I walk into the waiting room and ask if there are any volunteers to test it out.
entry # 2,446
April 2, 2005
Lately I've been experimenting with mayonaise. One experience involved my boss, a really old sandwich, and an unplanned trip to the hospital.
entry # 2,447
April 3, 2005
The Daily Journal has been on it's deathbed for months now. Everytime we think it's dead, we get a letter from a loyal reader that says something like, "what the heck is this crap?" and it spurs us to Muse on.
entry # 2,448
April 4, 2005
Just for fun, walk into the office/cubicle of a co-worker that you don't know too well and start going through their wastebasket contents, one piece at a time. When they ask you what you're doing (or attempt to assault you), tell them you want to see what they've REALLY been up to all day.
entry # 2,449
April 5, 2005
As we all know, March comes "in like a lion and out like a lamb." But most folks don't know the tales of the other months. The editors of TDJ have taken the time to gather these for you so you can become more familiar with them. We encourage you to use these in your own conversations:
January - Comes in like an albino monkey and leaves like a Merv Griffin impersonator addicted to rubber cement.
February - Comes in, still hung over from January, and craps all over your new leather couch. Stupid, drunk February!!!!
April - Prances in like a giddy school girl on the back of an electric scooter and goes out with your best friend! April, you SLUT!
May - Gallops in because he's not coordinated enough to skip and falls down, nearly breaking your new giant screen plasma TV. But you forgive him, because he has donuts and you love donuts.
June - Comes in late and eats all the shrimp cocktail. Plus, he never tips the servers. What a jerk, June!
July - Comes in only when he's been paid to appear and then insists on charging kids $25.00 for autographs. Oh, and while he's in the "green room" backstage, he doesn't bother to eat any of the food you gave him and puts a Post-It note on it that reads, simply, "GARBAGE!" July is so full of himself.
August - Comes in at least fifteen minutes late--uses the side door, that way Lumbergh can't see him. After that he sorta spaces out for an hour. He just stares at his desk, but it looks like he's working. He does that for probably another hour after lunch, too. In a given week, he probably only does about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
September - Zips in really quick just to make an appearance. If there's someone famous or powerful around, he'll stick around longer. Otherwise, he's out the door in less than five minutes and off to the horse track.
October - Rides in on a horse--well, he thinks it's a horse but it's really a cocker spanial and boy is he embarassed.
November - The rat bastard hardly ever comes in at all. Plus, I think he owes me, like, fifty bucks. If you see him, tell him I want my money and that I'm pissed.
December - Comes in with his fly unzipped, but no one notices. He stands around for about and hour, holding his diet soda, and no one talks to him. Eventually, he sits down in a chair at the edge of the room and watches everyone else having a good time. He leaves quietly, unnoticed, until he returns with and ARSENAL OF WEAPONS TO TAKE REVENGE ON ALL OF HUMANITY!
entry # 2,450
April 6, 2005
Overheard at the Central Gothic Christian Church: "Today's sermon will continue our three-hundred part series on the book of Lamentations."
entry # 2,451
April 7, 2005
Overheard at the Shuman household: "I'm the MAN of this household and you'll do as I say!" "Yes, Andrea."
entry # 2,452
April 8, 2005
If I were Bill Cosby I would be stop world hunger by sharing my stockpile of Jello and Pudding pops. Plus I'd insist on eating everything with dry erase markers used as chopsticks. Who's gonna stop me... I'm Bill Cosby!!!!
entry # 2,453
April 9, 2005
April Showers may bring May Flowers but January Snows bring Frozen Hoboes and August humidity brings unwanted obese nudity.
entry # 2,454
April 10, 2005
Someone ate all the Hot Pockets I had stashed in the fridge and replaced them with live, albeit cold, marmots.
entry # 2,455
April 11, 2005
Hurray!!!! The Colassal Colon is coming to my town! I can't wait to inspect the enormous polyp!
entry # 2,456
April 12, 2005
I spent the weekend visiting my brother at the Chihuahua Lovers Animal Rescue Free Range Turkey Farm in Ohio. We caught up on old times, discussing painful childhood memories of when our Aunt Mildred used to lock us in vats of marmalade to punish us for misbehaving. That's usually what we do when we get together. Either that, or we go make sure the body is still hidden where we buried it.
entry # 2,457
April 13, 2005
I've been at my "new" job for almost a year now, and I think the time is right to break into a showtune at our next budget meeting.
entry # 2,458
April 14, 2005
Being a dad is busy work. For instance, yesterday there was baseball practice, ballet, and gymnastics... and that was just for me!
entry # 2,459
April 15, 2005
To increase the chance that an auditor will overlook any creative mathematics I used on my tax return I stuffed the envelope full of tasty croutons.
entry # 2,460
April 16, 2005
I give you my word that just yesterday someone actually walked up to me at work and said, "Hey Roger, TGIF." Before I could berate him for actually using such a corny cliche' he attempted to help me, but it was too late. As it turns out, in this workplace "TGIF" stands for "That Goat Is Ferocious" and Nanny, the office goat gnawed off my elbow.
entry # 2,461
April 17, 2005
I'm going to vacuum my abs.
entry # 2,462
April 18, 2005
I have an ant farm under my sink...only without the cool glass that keeps them isolated. This may have originated from the fact that my dad told me the best way to get rid of ants is to pour orange juice all over the house.
entry # 2,463
April 19, 2005
I came up with another plan to rid my place of all of these ant farms. I'm going to buy up all of their land so I can develop little ant-sub divisions and shopping centers. Ant Gap has already put a bid in to be the anchor store.
entry # 2,464
April 20, 2005 I was at the eye doctor last week, getting an updated prescription for my contact lenses. While I was there, I requested the new "Flavor Flav" corneal implant. Now, everyone appears to have gold teeth and large clocks hanging from their necks.
Hmm, it appears the Journal is five days behind. It's time to let the TDJ Super Updat-o-matic 5000, now with Beta Carotine, go to work!
entry # 2,465
I was at the eye doctor last week, getting an updated prescription for my contact lenses. While I was there, I requested the new "Flavor Flav" corneal implant. Now, everyone appears to have gold teeth and large clocks hanging from their necks.
April 21, 2005 Investing in a free-range turkey farm last year has been disastrous for my portfolio. My financial advisor tells me that opening an outdoor shooting range next door was a bad idea.
In celebration of Earth Day, this entry is 100% biodegradable!
entry # 2,466
Investing in a free-range turkey farm last year has been disastrous for my portfolio. My financial advisor tells me that opening an outdoor shooting range next door was a bad idea.
April 22, 2005
Now that I've been at my "new" job for a year, my boss has rewarded my strong work ethic with a hefty raise. I knew that my innovative thinking would pay off, and the other employees really like the Beef Vegetable Soup Trough I suggested for the cafeteria.
entry # 2,467
April 23, 2005
Here in the midwest, our temperatures went from 80 degrees to freezing in about 24 hours. That's what I really enjoy about living in the so-called "flyover states." That, and the wild pack of emu that graze in most suburban neighborhoods. Easy hunting, tasty meat, and a low-fat snack!
entry # 2,468
April 24, 2005
The Daily Journal editorial staff has requested a reprieve from the tried-and-true formula for entries: Normal statement, normal statement, non-sequitur punchline. But luckily, this morning I replaced their coffee with industrial strength carpet cleaner. Plus, flying gravyboats emote ennui when porpoises dance upon the altar of riboflavin.
entry # 2,469
April 25, 2005
In place of the above-referenced comedy formula (hereafter referred to as Earl after the famed comedian Crusty Gomez, whose material was stolen by Art Carney) I've decided to write an entry about my recently mangled limb. It's a bit askew, akimbo, disjointed, hanging by a dog-eared tendon and a bit of flesh. It's definitely not family-fare and it's not what's for dinner. And it makes typing TDJ entries danged difficult, as half of my now non-functioning digits are located on it.
entry # 2,470
April 26, 2005
I wouldn't say that my recent reading of StiffI, a book about what happens (or could happen) to your body after you die, has affected my daily life or workplace conversation, infecting the latter with morbid references to post-mortem pooling of blood or gangrenous bloating. It has, however, affected my choice of breakfast cereals.
entry # 2,471
April 27, 2005
Gangren-Os! Tiny, chewy, multi-colored bits breakfast fun... fortified with eight essential vitamins, plus riboflavin.
entry # 2,472
April 28, 2005
The guy in the office next to me is talking about the accuracy of our Investment Performance Reports. But he's not fooling me. I know that when he says "cost basis" he really means "I love to cross dress and ride my motorcycle across narrow country bridges".
entry # 2,473
April 29, 2005
There is a picture of my family on my desk... All the children are nicely dressed, their clothes spotless and superbly matched, and the Mrs. is giving me a loving gaze to accompany the beaming, perfect smiles of every family member. I, of course, am the sturdy head of the household, my jaw chiseled and my biceps bulging. Photoshop is a wonderful thing.
entry # 2,474
April 30, 2005
After much controversy my office just installed a water cooler in the break room, right next to the gravy tap and the chicken extruder.
entry # 2,475