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Marchember 1, 2005
Recently the Mrs. and I were browsing an International Male catalog and literally rolling on the floor at the outfits inside. Well, we were actually rolling in the driveway but that's a long story. Here are some of the finer outfits...
I'd best beware of Elmer Fudd in this one.
This one says, "I'm FLAMING!"
Put this on and you're ready to fight vampires.
entry # 2,415
Marchember 2, 2005
Lately I've had this insatiable craving for chocolate. No matter how much of the stuff I eat I'm wanting more, especially with a tall, cold glass of milk. I guess what I'm trying to say is that instead of chocolate perhaps I should try cooking up a baby seal or two. Even better would be a lightly broiled baby seal and some veal, my own version of surf and turf. And by the way, the veal that you get in TV dinners isn't quite what you think. Instead of holding the calf in steel or wooden pens they have to cut costs and use cardboard. Corrugated cardboard. Corrugated cardboard NOT MADE from recycled paper. Oh, the inhumanity!
entry # 2,416
Marchember 3, 2005
Well, the other TDJ editors have been picking up the slack for me lately as I've been busy with work. This doesn't happen too often for me, but the guy who runs the Elephant Ear stand has been getting a lot of work done on his tooth and I'm pulling double duty between his stand and my usual position as "The Amazing Un-bearded Middle-Aged Man."
entry # 2,417
Marchember 4, 2005
Someday I'll leave this job and this city. For the past five years, my family and I have been making our OWN city--out of fudge.
entry # 2,418
Marchember 5, 2005
Being a married man of nearly 13 years, I don't go on too many dates outside of my wife--no, wait...I don't go on ANY dates outside of my wife, really...honey, I'm telling the truth. It was a joke. This whole site is a joke. No, guys, I'm not saying that the site is a "joke," as in, "useless." Honestly, it's been pretty funny and we all do a great job keeping it fresh and up to date for both of our regular readers.
entry # 2,419
Marchember 6, 2005
I've petitioned our human resources department to put more animal hides in the men's bathrooms.
entry # 2,420
Marchember 7, 2005
Let's say that HYPOTHETICALLY I sold one of my kidneys on E-bay. How would I go about shipping that so it got to the destination FAST--like, in 2-3 hours. Also, let's say that HYPOTHETICALLY I thought I might be losing a lot of blood right now due to the gaping hole in my abdomen. Is there a Web site that will show me how to patch that up?
entry # 2,421
Marchember 8, 2005
I'll bet that if you worked in a stinky sewage facility, you could flatulate freely and people would actually enjoy the smell.
entry # 2,422
Marchember 9, 2005
My man Brian is always coming up with good ideas. The latest is Liquid Ham and we're already in negotiations with the folks at Pepsi and Coca-cola.
entry # 2,423
Marchember 10, 2005
Ok, now here's a weird thing that a lot of you can probably relate to. I recently switched a medicine I've been taking for pain, so it probably has something to do with it. Anyway, I'm sitting in my office cubicle and I thought that I was collating some files; but as it turns out, I was gutting a moose. Very strange.
entry # 2,424
Marchember 11, 2005 I had a friend that used to say that I march to the beat of my own drummer. I, however, have an intrinsic dislike for all percussive instruments. I prefer to say that I "polka to the rhythm of my own didgeridoo." So I hacked up my friend's body and hid him in the trunk of my old Chevette. The stains played havoc with my crystal mouse collection I usually keep back there. Tomorrow's exciting episode: Find out what I did to my last boss when he told me to "think outside the box!"
Today the Daily Journal begins a series of entries where we alter those tired old cliches for your fun and amusement. Today's topic: "Marching to the beat of your own drummer."
entry # 2,425
I had a friend that used to say that I march to the beat of my own drummer. I, however, have an intrinsic dislike for all percussive instruments. I prefer to say that I "polka to the rhythm of my own didgeridoo." So I hacked up my friend's body and hid him in the trunk of my old Chevette. The stains played havoc with my crystal mouse collection I usually keep back there.
Tomorrow's exciting episode: Find out what I did to my last boss when he told me to "think outside the box!"
Marchember 12, 2005
I think I've reached some sort of sad turning point in my life. I actually referenced a "Family Circus" comic strip in a conversation last week.
entry # 2,426
Marchember 13, 2005
Recently, I left a good job in the city. Now I'm working for the man every night and day. But it's okay, because I never really lose a minute of sleep worrying about the way things might have been.
entry # 2,427
Marchember 14, 2005
With recent budget cuts, work has really taken a turn for the worse. Our security guards have been replaced with a small flock of mildly perturbed ducks. I never used to have to show my ID badge, because the guys always knew me. But now these ducks are always like, "Let's see your badge, buddy."
entry # 2,428
Marchember 15, 2005
They just replaced the soda vending machine in the hallway with a "Liquid Ham" dispenser.
entry # 2,429
Marchember 16, 2005
I just found a memo to myself that I wrote during a meeting a few weeks ago. I'm certain the intent was that I conjure up some ingenious TDJ entry out of them but alas, all I'm left with is "friendship bread" and "slim jim gum." Maybe if I talk to the mildly perturbed ducks they'll have some ideas and how I can incorporate the non-edible pulp left over after gnawing on a succulant slim jim into a communal bread-sharing activity.
entry # 2,430
Marchember 17, 2005
Hide and seek is a great way to pass the time at work, especially if your coworkers are unaware that they are supposed to be seeking you. Just the other day after waiting for nearly two hours in the supply closet Bernice found me and promptly wet herself.
entry # 2,431
Marchember 18, 2005
It's kinda sad when your kids grow up and stop liking the kiddie shows and the simple toys and stop falling for the "pull my finger" joke.
entry # 2,432
Marchember 19, 2005
The other day, while enjoying a refreshing glass of Liquid Ham, I noticed two woodland creatures galavanting around my back yard with a mildly perturbed duck. I was going to shoo them away but was stopped when I saw that there were building a skyscraper in my city of fudge.
entry # 2,433
Marchember 20, 2005
Five years ago today the musican genius Gene Eugene shed this mortal coil. Not only was this man mixing funk and rock while the Red Hot Chili Peppers were still trying to escape middle school but the word on the street is that he could take down any pinata with one mighty blow and knew all of the lines to every episode of "Bewitched."
entry # 2,434
Marchember 21, 2005
The one thing I can say about the company where I work is that we sure do know how to drink a lot of water. Every two days the water guy shows up with a giant cart full of heavy water bottles that he drops off, replacing the load with the now empty plastic jugs. He hates us and our water-imbibing ways. He wishes we would all switch to soda or sun tea or chicken broth. But we hate him back and that's why we drink all this water... out of spite.
entry # 2,435
Marchember 22, 2005
When someone tells you that God's plan for them involves canned hams and Indy racing cars you can be pretty sure that next week God will tell them to join the World Wrestling Federation under the name of "Ye Olde Thumping Bible."
entry # 2,436
Marchember 23, 2005
My wife says that a live-in massage therapist is good for our marriage but I'm not sure how Franz fits into the nuclear family.
entry # 2,437
Marchember 24, 2005
By now you've probably all come to the inevitable conclusion that ABBA is hands-down the best band ever to have graced the planet. And of course I would be a fool to argue with you if it weren't for the fact that I know, for a fact, that the song "Dancing Queen" has an entirely too devoted following in San Francisco.
entry # 2,438
Marchember 25, 2005
The depth of knowledge concerning goth metal where I work is astounding. Just the other day, while on my way to fill up a gallon container of water, I heard two co-workers discussing the merits of the the new Moonsorrow album as compared to the collective works of Trail of Tears and Graveworm when the new guy stops by to chime in his belief that Draconian is the next Dark Tranquility. The way he was laughed out of town you would have thought that he compared Darkwell to Nightwish but I guess he had it coming.
entry # 2,439
Marchember 26, 2005
Grandpa's a good keeler and it's my birthday so if Roger would kindly send a CD-r (or post MP3s) of that Randy Stonehill album I'd be much obliged.
entry # 2,440
Marchember 27, 2005
It's always time for potassium.
entry # 2,441
Marchember 28, 2005
I can't help but feel that Good Friday would benefit from a good marketing strategy, a line of Hallmark cards, or perhaps a video game where it's own mascot, let's say the "Good Friday Ocelot" takes on the Easter Bunny in a smackdown to end all smackdowns.
entry # 2,442
Marchember 29, 2005
For the last three months I've been unable to find an overdue book from the library and my fines are growing. I certainly hope I didn't accidentally toss "Serial Killing For Dummies" into the 50 gallon drum of acid.
entry # 2,443
Marchember 30, 2005
March Madness is upon us and basketball mania has swept Indiana. However in my case it's more of a slight rash.
entry # 2,444
Marchember 31, 2005
March came in like a lamb and so is leaving like a lion, which in my small town means that they let out three live lions to roam the streets and stalk, kill, and eat the three live lambs that have been indiscriminately grazing and pooping since March 1.
entry # 2,445