Februtoberary 1, 2005
I think crossing monkeys with any other animals would be a great idea...and if Craig T. Nelson becomes president, he'll make it happen.
entry # 2,387

Februtoberary 2, 2005
Groundhog Day is tied with Arbor Day (April 29th) as my 332nd favorite holiday.
entry # 2,388

Februtoberary 3, 2005
On a completely unrelated note, I'm wearing flapjacks on my armpits as deodorizers. I've never felt fresher.
entry # 2,389

Februtoberary 4, 2005
Here at TDJ Laboratories, we're discovering new and exciting uses for freeze-dried, powdered cat urine.
entry # 2,390

Februtoberary 5, 2005

Craig T. Nelson declares: "Hip-hop is dead! LONG LIVE POLKA!!!!

Februtoberary 6, 2005

Craig T. Nelson declares: Nobody brings it like me. I'm livin' it up CRAIG T. NELSON STYLE!!!!

Februtoberary 7, 2005
I'm not sure that this was a wise idea, but today I ate a Chinese place located in a strip mall shopping complex that is only two doors down from a place called, "Cat Dr." As Dave Berry would say, "I'm not making this up."
entry # 2,393

Februtoberary 8, 2005
I found this image on my old church's new web site. They must have thought it was cool. To me it's just plain disturbing.
entry # 2,394

Februtoberary 9, 2005
I really need to develop a sense of other people's personal space but in my family it was always perfectly acceptable to delouse hair during discussions on the latest implementation plan.
entry # 2,395

Februtoberary 10, 2005
There's no better way to start the morning than with a steaming mug of Bob Evans gravy.
entry # 2,396

Februtoberary 11, 2005
Working for the sewer department for the city isn't all that bad of a job. I mean, after a while you get used to the smell and it's always cozy-warm and they provide the stylish hip waders. However you've got to be careful. No, there are no alligators down there but rather "Zany" Earl. Earl loves the old gag of placing precariously balanced buckets above doorways except Earl prefers to fill the buckets with floating flotsam from down below.
entry # 2,397

Februtoberary 12, 2005
The favorite part about Engineering Monthly is the fold-out schematic. Dig those groovy diagram symbols!!!!
entry # 2,398

Februtoberary 13, 2005
Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I have no idea of what to get the Mrs. I also have no idea if the previous sentence should have had an extra period after the abbreviation for Mrs. If I had my MLA handbook from college I could look it up but I have no idea of where this book is or if I even still have it. Further, I have no idea if it's still relevant as it's an older edition and them MLA folks keep changing the rules in order to sell a few more books. I have no idea how many books they sell each year and I definitely have no idea of how many people are out there writing under outdated rules, thus bringing unknown embarrassment upon themselves. I have firsthand knowledge of bringing known and unknown embarrassment upon myself. So I think I'll get the Mrs. a copy of the very latest edition of the MLA so she never gets embarrassed. I have no idea how long I'll remain in the doghouse.
entry # 2,399

Februtoberary 14, 2005
Today, in honor of Valentines Day, I was only going to eat red food. However I soon found out that what I call "red" most people call "paisley" and by that time the day was shot.
entry # 2,400

Februtoberary 15, 2005
Today being my birthday, I woke up this morning and promptly ran outside naked. Apparently, this time-honored tradition is frowned upon in my new neighborhood, because Ethel next door was hosting a ladies' welcoming tea for her church group and they kept mentioning something about not "expecting entertainment."
entry # 2,401

Februtoberary 16, 2005
Cubicle life isn't quite as glorious as it is made out to be in the movies. Why, just the other day, I FTP-ed my NAR FSS topsheet to the T: drive when I discovered my TCQ was incorrect for YTD TM. When my Avg MPV/Unit fell along with our SIR, I was SOL.
entry # 2,402

Februtoberary 17, 2005
I've been working out a lot more this year. If there is one thing I've noticed at the gym, it is that Gary Coleman has no business wearing lycra shorts.
entry # 2,403

Februtoberary 18, 2005
The wife and I watched Schindler's List earlier this week - on Valentine's Day. Nothing says romance like genocide. You can have your weepy Meg Ryan romantic comedies, but not me. Just wait for more exciting holidays, like when we watch Charlize Theron's Monster on our anniversary and Salo on Christmas.
entry # 2,404

Februtoberary 19, 2005
When I was but a wee little lad, my grandpa used to say to me, "Jimmy (he didn't know my name), don't make a mountain out of monkeys!" I would just nod politely and smile. It wasn't until years later, after he passed away that I discovered the gruesome, literal mountain of monkey carcasses that he had constructed in his back yard over a forty year time-span. Grandpa...what a stinkin' hypocrite!
entry # 2,405

Februtoberary 20, 2005
ADVERTISEMENT: New, from the makers of Mobil Oil, it's Almost Chicken™. It's not quite chicken and it's probably edible. Try it in place of real chicken in your favorite recipes today. Also, be sure to try Barely Beef™ and Could-be-Cat™ in your favorite Chinese recipes.
entry # 2,406

Februtoberary 21, 2005
Chickens. Gracian urns. Sports bras. White clown makeup. Garbonzo beans. None of these have any place in your typical business meeting and yet I was able to bring each topic up at the shareholders meeting this past week. Mummy would be so proud!
entry # 2,407

Februtoberary 22, 2005
Speaking of business meetings, I just came back from our annual corporate challenges and objectives meeting for 2005. Some people might think that it is unlikely that we will reach $3 Billion in Turkey Poncho sales this year, but that's why we're the best in the Turkey Poncho industry.
entry # 2,408

Februtoberary 23, 2005
Working on contract for my current company has made me feel like quite the outsider. I don't get sick days or benefits like the exempt employees, but I usually make up for it by kidnapping the old ladies that work in the cafeteria.
entry # 2,409

Februtoberary 24, 2005
I travelled up to Michigan last week for some meetings. Spending 12 of 36 hours in a rental car with your boss, having quality conversation, is a sure-fire way to:

1) Get yourself fired;
2) Get a promotion and hefty raise; or
3) Find out way more than you needed to know about his penchant for cranberry sauce, aluminum foil, and squirrel monkeys.
entry # 2,410

Februtoberary 25, 2005
I just returned from Indy where I met with legislaters who were very open to my concern that monkeys should wear underpants when venturing out into the public arena. Of course any bill they would pass would exempt themselves from wearing underpants. Or pants, for that matter.
entry # 2,411

Februtoberary 26, 2005
Maybe it's because I've never felt like I fit in with any social group but when that palm reader said that I was conceived over several consecutive Tuesdays in the spring of '73 I kinda believe her.
entry # 2,412

Februtoberary 27, 2005
After much soul searching I've decided that it's time for a career change. Goodbye computers and networks and databases and code and stuff like that. Hello blank verse poetry while performing interpretive dance (and the accompanying fame and glory). Of course I don't plan to tell my present employer of my bold decision but he'll soon be so appreciative of the culture I bring to my fellow employees that he'll surely not fire me for neglecting what used to be my work while I enlighten and encourage the troops in the breakroom from nine to five daily.
entry # 2,413

Februtoberary 28, 2005
There are many things one can say when your boss stops by and asks what you are working on but apparently "Trying to figure out how someone as incompentant as you got hired" isn't the correct answer.
entry # 2,414