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January 1, 2005
We're in the process of evaluating whether or not this site should continue. We've been doing it for over five years now and it takes up at least five minutes of our day. So, we need to hear from you, our loyal readers...Mom and Dad (Dad, just pretend you read it. Mom, pretend that Dad can read and pretend that he's not staring into the neighbor's window eating a tube of Chapstick. And Dad, if you can get Mom to relay all of this stuff to you, convince mom that this site is either a Soap Opera site or the Home Shopping Network home page.).
entry # 2,356
January 2, 2005
Well, tomorrow I go back to work after having 11 consecutive days off. It's going to be hard to get used to waking up early again and wearing something besides a just a pair of leather chaps and a coon-skin hat.
entry # 2,357
January 3, 2005
I got into work today and sent out the following memo:
"We've combined the tiny frog dart leprachauns into a hallucenogenic underwear blob to fire off the canons in the edge of wetness beneath the pontoon stereo toast-oven."
Needless to say, I was immediatly promoted to CEO.
entry # 2,358
January 4, 2005
It's amazing how I can be having an online conversation with someone and come up with several solid ideas for TDJ entries. They seem to flow effortlessly like a sack of bologna in a cigar factory...or something like that. But when I actually sit here and try to write, I come up with crap like this:
entry # 2,359
January 5, 2005
This is the time of year when I check my credit card receipts to see who's been returning the gifts I got them for Christmas. As it turns out, my Pastor is not a big fan of chewing tobacco and the electric collar and fence that hooks up to my delusional grandpa was NOT a good gift.
entry # 2,360
January 6, 2005
Our newly elected Governor here in Indiana is going to make a serious effort to get Indiana on Daylight Savings Time with the rest of the country. If that goes through, he's already drawing up legislation for indoor plumbing and to require "doctors" to attend at least one year of medical school and/or lifeguard training.
entry # 2,361
January 7, 2005
Right now I'm listening to "Weird German Lady" who's been in the conference room across from my office for weeks. She's either teaching our IT staff how to implement and use a new database system or she's developing plans to rule the world. Either way, I think I'm attracted to Weird German Lady's freaky accent and her braided armpit hairs.
entry # 2,362
January 8, 2005
Here's an exciting REAL headline from a trade magazine sitting at my desk: "Semi-Standard Plunge Cutters Simplify Hydraulic Production."
entry # 2,363
January 9, 2005
Here's a made-up headline from my friend, Brian: "Dialating Anal Proton Convectors Mystify Clerics and Genitals."
entry # 2,364
January 10, 2005
My uncle Bucklebutt fought in the War with Canada....although, technically there was no War with Canada. We didn't bother to tell him because he would have gone totally nuts.
entry # 2,365
January 11, 2005
Brian's favorite episode of Who's the Boss?: The one when Samantha got her hand stuck in Jonathan's ear and Tony had to make out with an old lady because he welched on a bet.
entry # 2,366
January 12, 2005
This Christmas I received five tubs of medicated knee wax. Yep, it was the best Christmas EVER!
entry # 2,367
January 13, 2005
One of our ongoing projects here at The Daily Journal is the creation of new words that will allow people to better and more specifically express themselves. Our newest word that will soon reside within the pages of Webster's Dictionary is, "butt-chasm." At this point, we're still not sure what it means, but we feel that it's important for people to start using it now. Try it out today at work.
entry # 2,368
January 14, 2005
And now, from my daily reading of The 22 Immutable Laws of Marketing by Al Ries and Jack "Rainbow" Trout:
"Rule 27: When coming up with names for new products, try to avoid using names that may be associated with mold, bacteria or fungi, especially the kinds associated with a lack of human cleanliness."
entry # 2,369
January 15, 2005
I finally decided to cut my loses and close down my side-business. Who knew that my Scabeeze Exfoliant would tank so quickly. I have an idea for a new product, ReengWurm Cuticle Cream, that was suggested by a friend in marketing.
entry # 2,370
January 16, 2005
Today is the 17th. But I am writing the entry for the 16th. Do not be confused. Please remain perfectly still. Do not touch your eyes, nose, mouth or other sensitive areas (i.e. naughty bits) until your hands have been thoroughly cleaned with a solution of two parts bleach, three parts muriatic acid, one part bovine stomach lining, and one part water. In the case of cabin depressurization, foxtrot to the nearest exit and proclaim your love of stinky cheeses.
entry # 2,371
January 17, 2005
The next exciting season of American Idol is about to begin. Who will the next star be? We can already thank the AI folks for the likes of ummm...the fat Afican American guy who beat the skinny guy, some other chick, a lady named after a Disney movie (I think it was, "Lion King" or maybe "A Bug's Life") and, most importantly, "Potsie" from Happy Days.
entry # 2,372
January 18, 2005
The guys at marketing just came up with a great name for a new product and now it's my job to figure out what the product is. But with a name like "Pigeon Loafers" it probably won't be too difficult.
entry # 2,373
January 19, 2005
When foreigners visit the office, I like to give them a shiney new spatula with a pretty red ribbon taped to it. I tell them that this is considered a "very special honor here in America" and then watch them as they graciously accept it. It's fun to mess with their minds that way and I have a feeling that some of them actually take them back to their country and put them on display.
entry # 2,374
January 20, 2005
"Weird German Lady" has returned to our office today. I'm not sure what they're up to in the conference room, but I'll bet I've heard the words, "project" and "costs" about twenty times in the past ten minutes. Just for fun, I walked in and repeated both words 100 times while I did the robot dance. Now they're talking about how to implement the new "project costs robot" with the new system and how they'll make room for it in the 2005 budget.
entry # 2,375
January 21, 2005
Today I managed to snatch a quick picture of "Weird German Lady" with my cell phone camera. This was taken as she was coming out of the men's restroom.
entry # 2,376
January 22, 2005
The next watch I buy is going to be a "Winter Storm Watch"....(insert cricket noise)...Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
entry # 2,377
January 23, 2005
After hearing all of this talk about Weird German Lady, it's nice to finally see a picture of her. And this Journal writer only has one thing to say ... she is a HOTTIE!!! Die frau ist anziehend!
entry # 2,378
January 24, 2005
Going back to work on Monday is always a struggle. Especially when you've spent the weekend fly fishing in the Mediterranean with a group of South American dictators bent on world domination.
entry # 2,379
January 25, 2005
The Mrs. and I are trying to sell our old residence "By Owner". But a traveling REALTOR stopped by while I was pounding the stake into the yard and offered to give me some free advice. He walked through the post-abode and suggested hiring sumo wrestlers to model their garb during open houses. With great advice like that, the old shanty will sell like hot cakes!
entry # 2,380
January 26, 2005
While clearing out boxes from the basement I found a glow-in-the-dark super-hi bounce ball that I had feared lost forever. It was right next to the remains of the handyman who had insisted on charging me for spackle. Spackle wants to be free.
entry # 2,381
January 27, 2005
Being a bit rushed to get ready for work this morning, I quickly grabbed some leftovers, put them in a bag and headed out the door. However, when it came time to eat lunch today, I realized that I had no idea what it was that was in the Tupperware container. That's when I got the call from Gramma wanting to know what had happened to her stool sample.
entry # 2,382
January 28, 2005
When you go to one of those fast-food places that makes burritos right in front of your very eyes (it's magical, I tell ya), ask if you can put your head in the lettuce. You never know what they will say.
entry # 2,383
January 29, 2005
Don't you hate it when you think you're going to cough, but instead you end up screaming out profanities about your boss while spitting all over the place. And did I mention that this is happening while you're actually in his office and that you end up using his tie to wipe the spit off of his face.
entry # 2,384
January 30, 2005
The great thing about writing the last few entries of a month when the month is actually already over is this: No one will read them. Unless someday in the future evil brown aliens have taken over our planet with their intergalactic gravy guns, and as they are "cleansing" the Internet they come across this site and decide to peruse entries of years-past, chuckling at the humor they find upon these sacred pages and dropping their gravy guns to the ground and as they do the few remaining humans stage a massive revolution and overcome their captors, beating them to the ground with sticks and other simple weapons and once again, we will RULE THIS MIGHTY PLANET.
entry # 2,385
January 31, 2005
Roger and Jason are velcro-wearing, apricot-juice-drinking, emu-loving ninny-heads. There, I said it. It's out in the open now. If you know either one of them, please, urge them to get some help before it's too late.
entry # 2,386