December 2004
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December 1, 2004
Something to put on your resume in the "SKILLS" section:
I have a large capactity for pies and fried foods.
entry # 2,325

December 2, 2004
Here's a fun trick you can do at work...sometime early in the morning, go into the board room and replace the dry-erase markers with permanent markers (like Sharpies). A little later, gather in the office with some of your co-workers and have what you call a "Team-Building Exercise" where they (not you) write the company president's name on the board and then the names of several barnyard animals underneath. As you're about to describe the next step, pretend to be sick and leave for the day.
entry # 2,326

December 3, 2004
I'm not sure how I got on the subject of work this month, but here's another tip for those of you looking for employment. Should you get a second interview with a company, when you see the person interviewing you, say something like, "Man, that hairpiece looks a LOT better than the one you had on during our last interview."
entry # 2,327

December 4, 2004
Whale Humor:
tic tic tictic woooooo raaaaahwoooo
Woooooo blooooop?
oooooeeeeeeeeaaaaa tic reeeeehooooooo
entry # 2,328

December 5, 2004
Now that I have TIVO I do nothing but watch episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
entry # 2,329

December 6, 2004
For some reason my head hurts today. I got a solid night of sleep and I haven't been drinking. I'm not having sinus problems and I have no memory of me bumping my head on any solid objects. In fact, after using that Home Trepan kits (from Ronco) I don't have much memory of anything.
entry # 2,330

December 7, 2004
Robots are the perfect Christmas gift. Not only do they assist with menial chores such as cleaning up after house guests but they also have to ability to vaprise those who overstay their welcome.
entry # 2,331

December 8, 2004
It sure was nice of Barry to bring in all the leftovers from the company Christmas party, especially in light of all the negative comments people made about his wife. I mean, he could have kept all those little sandwiches for himself and no one would have held it against him. However it might have been nice had he kept the food refridgerated instead of on his back porch.
entry # 2,332

December 9, 2004
Once again I shall make my dire prediction that will unfortunately spark some renaissance, drawing out an already needlessly prolonged demise. But here goes anyway: It's the end of this site as we know it.
entry # 2,333

December 10, 2004
In the midst of another mind-numbing day of spending eight hours staring at the cathode ray tube on my desk, the apparition of Burt Reynolds appeared to me, as he often does this time of year. After a few minutes of small talk, discussing the new girl in marketing, he got all deep on me and went on pontificating about cruelty to animals, trouble in the Middle East, and the true meaning of Christmas. I really needed to get back to work, and my boss doesn't really like visitors spending a lot of time in my cubicle, so I grabbed the toupee of Burt's head and kicked him in the nads. I mean, sure, 'tis the season and all, but come on. I've got some spreadsheets calling my name here.
entry # 2,334

December 11, 2004
I'm never gonna dance again, because my guilty feet have got no rhythm.
entry # 2,335

December 12, 2004
At the end of a rather uneventful weekend, I find it stimulating to take a jog around the neighborhood, sans pants.

Actually, when I say "stimulating," I mean "freakin' cold." Stupid midwest winters.
entry # 2,336

December 13, 2004
I didn't have my office computer on for more than a few minutes this morning when who appears to me again? Stupid apparition of Burt Reynolds. And this time he brought along Dom DeLuise. And they were being really loud and obnoxious this time, going on about how rude I was last week and how this time of year is all about giving and caring and stuff. I'm lucky my boss called in sick today, because I just could not get them to leave for like 20 minutes.

I think tomorrow I'm gonna bring an axe. Or at least a baseball bat, if I can get it past security.
entry # 2,337

December 14, 2004
I just ate an entire box of Stove Top Stuffing (2700 mg of Country Cornbread sodium yumminess!) because one can never have too much sodium in their diet. For dinner I'll have a large can of Spaghtettios with meatballs (3960 mg) and a side of Raman noodles (1560 mg). With a daily recommended intake of 2400 mg I'll be a walking saltlick... I just can't wait to visit that dairy farm!
entry # 2,338

December 15, 2004
I'm still in shock over the death of Dimebag Darrell but at least his brother, Cotterpin Carl, is still leading his home town to hardware excellence.
entry # 2,339

December 16, 2004
Thanks to recent scientific advancements made in connection with quarks, the Weebles of our children's children will not only wobble but wibble as well.
entry # 2,340

December 17, 2004
I closed on a lovely home today. Although it's not new (having been built in 1926) I was glad to know that the mice come from pedigreed stock.
entry # 2,341

December 18, 2004
There are few things in this life better than free meat.
entry # 2,342

December 19, 2004
I suppose I should have read the warning label stating that Grecian Formula is only for those of Greek ancestry: Instead of coloring my hair it gave me an affinity for baklava.
entry # 2,343

December 20, 2004
The problem with drinking goats blood for breakfast is that you have nothing to look forward to the rest of the day.
entry # 2,344

December 21, 2004
This year for Christmas I requested that my family only give me meat products. While I appreciated the many summer sausages and frozen steaks, my favorite give was the ham salad sweater.
entry # 2,345

December 22, 2004
I finally got back at my brother for giving my a live hamster last year for Christmas (the bugger got out as soon as I opened the box and it eventually chewed through nearly $500 of Monster cables) by putting a rabid squirrel in his stocking.
entry # 2,346

December 23, 2004
I've been thinking about getting a toupee for Christmas. It isn't as though I don't have copious amounts of hair, just that I think it would be cool to make multiple layers of hair.
entry # 2,347

December 24, 2004
Instead of proper names or titles I've been calling everyone an "old goat" these days. It sure makes for quite a good time during confessionals at church.
entry # 2,348

December 25, 2004
I sure am glad God decided to come to earth as a human to save us from our sins. I mean, if he had come back as a penguin it would be great for all the web-footed tux-toddlers out there but the human race would be in serious doody-kaka. Thanks, Jesus!
entry # 2,349

December 26, 2004
I just learned that Jay Van Andel, co-founder of the Amway corporation, passsed away earlier this month. That is sad on so many multi-levels.
entry # 2,350

December 27, 2004
The Xena war yodel: Great after lopping off the heads of furry-garbed ruffians, not so great after closing that big business deal.
entry # 2,351

December 28, 2004
I may not do much at work but at least I don't cost them much in office supplies.

Merely putting the phrase 'office supplies' on this page makes Tripod place ads for dry erase markers and sharpies at the top. Look next month to see what other types of ads we can conjure up!
entry # 2,352

December 29, 2004
I recently reviewed my workload and decided that I needed an off-site team building day, on the company's expense. I'm thinking a day at a spa or perhaps, depending on the budget, just a nearby hotel with a comfy bed and a mini-bar.
entry # 2,353

December 30, 2004
The best thing about having your own office is the Costanza-effect. Through experience I've found that you really can curl up underneath and take a great nap, provided you have a vanity wall. But if not, a simple magicians trick involving a mirror, a tablespoon of flash powder, and an albino earwig and you're in business!
entry # 2,354

December 31, 2004
For 2005 I plan to simplify my life. Which means that I won't be wearing pants, or when I have to for some important social function I won't pull them up past my ankles.
entry # 2,355