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November 1, 2004
If I owned a few Amish I would make them dress up like giant garden gnomes. But if they asked to use my hair straightener on their beards so they could do a lip-sync of a ZZTop song, I'd let them.Compliments of lovingly twisted wife Melynda, who could easily take down the wives of the other TDJ authors should a smack-down be necessary.
entry # 2,295
November 2, 2004
Don't forget that next Wednesday is the Third Annual Sassy Pants Club Pet
Bowling Party at the Squirrel Stump Lanes in Gnaw Bone. As we all remember,
Scotts hamster, Dave, was the big winner last year. Alas, he is missed...but
his imprint will forever be on pin # 37 in lane 3.
entry # 2,296
November 3, 2004
I got my flu shot today and as it turns out, I was accidentally injected with some sort of truth serum. Honestly, I feel the same as I always do. Basically, the numbness of drinking three bottles of Robitusin a day takes away all feelings anyway. But I crave the cough syrup to allow me to forget about my miserable excuse for a life. I spent my life savings on Amway toiletry items. I voted for Jesse Jackson in my first ever Presidential election. I cry every time I watch movies about dogs that get killed. One time, I fell asleep on the toilet at work for over three hours. I just vomited up my lunch on purpose. I secretly hate elves.
entry # 2,297
November 4, 2004
It's not been easy adjusting to the culture of a small business, what with having worked for a mega-corporation for over a decade. For instance, at the previously mentioned mega-corp if you need paper for printers you contact the supply clerk on your floor who fills out a few requisition forms which are routed to the main supply clerk who orders the paper for the entire company, batching orders so as to leverage the purchasing power of the corporation so they only have to pay fifty cents more per ream than if they bought it from the local office max. The paper is delivered 1-2 weeks from order date.When you need paper at the small company you sneak into the aforementioned mega-corp and stuff a few reams in your pants.
entry # 2,298
November 5, 2004
Children should not play with thermonuclear reactors, even if they have been decommissioned and have rubber padding on all their sharp corners.
entry # 2,299
November 6, 2004
A co-worked just stormed out, screaming about the injustice of the corporation and how he's been mistreated and how he owns guns. But we're not afraid. In addition to "ol' Gramps" snoozing at the security desk up front we have an arsenol of rubber bands and binder clips.
entry # 2,300
November 7, 2004
Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away but it's still not too late to grow your own turkey.
entry # 2,301
November 8, 2004
One of the TDJ authors said that we were back in the swing of things, that October was really funny and he had a good feeling about November. I just love to crush dreams to a fine paste.
entry # 2,302
November 9, 2004
Edited For Content
Last night, in the midst of another 4-hour [SCRABBLE] session with my wife, one of my more-obscure [HANKERINGS] got the best of me and I asked her to try on the "Ronald McDonald" costume. We have all of the McDonaldland character costumes, and during the course of our six-year marriage, we've both experienced [SCRABBLE] dressed up as Grimace, the Hamburglar, and the Fry Guys. One extremely memorable soiree involved Mayor McCheese and a number of ketchup packets, as that character has always been a huge [POINT WINNER] for yours truly. But until last night, Ronald had always been off-limits. Forbidden fruit, if you will. Anyway, everything was going fine until one of the kids ran in wearing a Burger King crown, and then all [HADES] broke loose.
entry # 2,303
November 10, 2004
Every office has a smelly, chain-smoking, toothless guy named Big Jim that insists on strip-searching all of the employees as they enter the building and video-tapes them while they're in the bathroom--right? I mean...this is normal office fare, isn't it?
entry # 2,304
November 11, 2004
When you work in marketing, like I do (really, I have a job), you love it when engineering geeks and corporate types tell you that our company needs to think "outside the box." In fact, I love it so much that I just put two engineers and the head of accounting IN a small metal box and welded it shut. Now, they can see how hard it is to think outside the box...or use the bathroom...or call their families.
entry # 2,305
November 12, 2004
Ok, I've just been informed that perhaps my language in the November 11 entry was a little harsh and that I needed to point out that I was only kidding about sealing three live human beings inside a small metal box. The box is actually made of wood and they should be able to gnaw their way out in three to five days.
entry # 2,306
November 13, 2004
CALENDAR NOTE: The International Dyslexia Association Conference (DICA) will hold their annual meeting on Friday, November 19th in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
entry # 2,307
November 14, 2004
It's official: Peterson is gonna fry... or sleep or something. One day the transcripts of the trial will be released and then everyone will know how many times Mark Geragos uttered the phrase, "like a chimp cranked up on his grandmothers meat tenderizer."
entry # 2,308
November 15, 2004
Recently while painting our kitchen, I had the chance to reflect upon my good fortune in finding my wife and the great marriage we have. I thought about our past and dreamed of our future, of growing old together and laughing until our sides hurt while the geriatric nursing staff cleans up our Depends. And then I realized that in my ponderings I had mistakenly painted the meatloaf. Not wanting to waste, I then used the meatload to "sponge paint", or rather, to "meat paint" a lovely texture on the walls. And life was good.
entry # 2,309
November 16, 2004
If your home business is expanding and you need to hire, and yet cannot afford the added expense, I highly suggest luring woodland creatures into your abode with cans of cat food. Not only are they great at providing eBay feedback but the nocturnal ones can work wonders with a tape gun.
entry # 2,310
November 17, 2004
Today was pretty much a normal day for me. I got up around 11:15 pm and showered in horse meat. Then I wrapped up my emaciated body in yellow velvet-lined wrapping paper, affixed my exoskeleton with moose-fur lined adhesive tape and catapulted to work via the nuclear-powered steam-roller I keep in my underground kelp factory. At precisely 6:52 I walked into my manager's office while licking a penguin. Then I remembered it was Wednesday and quickly replaced the penguin with a chinchilla. It's funny how we forget the most mundane things in our lives.
entry # 2,311
November 18, 2004
Last night I watched a program on the Emeril network where they showed the giant factory where all those holiday tubs of three-flavor popcorn are made (plus a secret fourth flavor available only in certain parts of Oklahoma). While all the stats were impressive on how many pounds of popcorn and how many gallons of oil and all that, what really impressed me was their specially trained, round-the-clock workforce of Harvey Keitel clones. While they skirted the ethics of human cloning in the show, and personally I'm still uneasy about the fact that the same lab where they do quality assurance on each popcorn batch is the same lab where they breed the next round of Keitels, I can't argue that they make one tasty can of corn.
entry # 2,312
November 19, 2004
I don't usually eat burritos that I find in the mens' room.
entry # 2,313
November 20, 2004
If my day were an ice cream cone it would be guano flavored. BUT it would be guano flavored with sprinkles.
entry # 2,314
November 21, 2004
The other day at work I was getting a candy bar out of the vending machine (as a part of my nutritious lunch). Just out of habit, I checked the coin return after making the purchase, even though I KNEW that I had paid the exact amount of the cost of the candy bar. Now what is with that? Why do we always think there will magically be change in the coin return when we-- [Editor's note: This entry has suddenly taken a turn towards the Seinfeldian. At the risk of sounding much too "mainstream," we have substituted the following entry conclusion.] However, this time was different, because there just happened to be a malnurished Mexican man - Juan, I believe - caught in the coin return slot. He thanked me for saving his life and shuffled back towards accounting.
entry # 2,315
November 22, 2004
My company had a "wellness fair" last week, so I went down and took advantage of the free blood pressure screening, cholesterol check, and a few other things. Of particular interest to me was the acupuncture booth in the corner, because I'm pretty sure Doug from maintenance isn't licensed in that area at all.
entry # 2,316
November 23, 2004
Doing some early Christmas shopping over the weekend, a guy tried to interest me in some crotchless socks for my wife. I bought a pair, thinking they would go well with her crotchless shirts and crotchless shoes.
entry # 2,317
November 24, 2004
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but a close second is creating a lawn statue of the honored using only things found while rummaging through their trash.
entry # 2,318
November 25, 2004
tryptophan! tryptophan! tryptophan!
entry # 2,319
November 26, 2004
I finally figured out why my previous employer let me go. They liked the fact that I spent a lot of time on the phone, but they didn't like the fact that every conversation I had ended with the phrase, "that sounds like a great idea, Grandma!"
entry # 2,320
November 27, 2004
The entire TDJ staff has recently joined CLAA. and we encourage you to do so as well.
entry # 2,321
entry # 2,321
November 28, 2004
It's official, after years of anticipation (and a lot of hard work) the FDA officially added a new food group to the famous "Five Food Groups" bringing the grand total to six. The newest food group is velvet. Eat 2-3 servings a day. Rumor has it that suede and spackle are next on the expansion list.
entry # 2,322
November 29, 2004
It's the Monday after a four day weekend so not only am I fighting the usual battle of trying to remember where I left off on my various projects but when I got in my car this morning I couldn't remember where it was that I was supposed to go.
entry # 2,323
November 30, 2004
This year for Christmas I decided to get everyone on my list a big box of individually wrapped anti-bacterial moist towelettes. It's the gift that says "I'm germophobic and your kind gives me the creeps. Oh, and Merry Christmas."
entry # 2,324