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May 1, 2005
I work in marketing. One of the things we attempt to do is govern our corporate branding strategy, which includes making sure that people in the company or associated with the company are using logos, fonts and color schemes correctly. This becomes difficult when you insist that your logo must be made of velvet and pronounced with a thick German accent.
entry # 2,476
May 2, 2005
My new boss started today. We're wondering how long it will take him to figure out that we altered his Employee Handbook. So far he still curtseys when he walks past the Receptionist and he's developing "tennis elbow" from repeatedly saluting Smitty the janitor.
entry # 2,477
May 3, 2005
The office is a bit cold today. Well, let's face it, it's REALLY cold in here. I think the temperature outside is 55 degrees and the air conditioner has been running all day. To show my displeasure, I hung a side of beef from one of the A/C ducts. We should have jerky in two weeks.
entry # 2,478
May 4, 2005
Sometimes it's really hard coming up with something funny every dang day as we've been doing for the past seven years. In fact, that's all going to change starting now.
entry # 2,479
May 5, 2005
Thanks to that wacky Noah and some of the mistakes he made with the whole Ark deal, drunken anglers will never know the delight of reeling in a "Medium Mouth Bass".
entry # 2,480
May 6, 2005
I have a confession to make, yesterday's entry was simply lifted from the May 1999 page. I feel so ashamed.
entry # 2,481
May 7, 2005
It is the mission of Acne.org to provide an unbiased, free resource where people can quickly and easily find information on acne and acne treatment options. It is the goal of Acne.org to put the power back into people's hands by distilling the overwhelming complexity of information down into easily understood "plain English." Lastly, it is the mission of Acne.org to succinctly outline a regimen to clear the skin. ---yeah, I copied this entry, too. Sue me!
entry # 2,482
May 8, 2005
Ok, I'd like to get something off of my chest based on something I was told while growing up. Mom and Dad...chicks DON'T dig guys who play the oboe...and it doesn't matter to them if my pants are neatly creased.
entry # 2,483
May 9, 2005
This is the first entry that I, The Boy, have written this month. The pressure of having the first one or two entries of any given month is too much for me, because those entries are the most visible to our three readers all month long. Every time you look at The Daily Journal, you see those entries. So, they must be of the strongest caliber: a hearty read punctuated by a good chortle... perhaps an amusing antecdote from childhood, or a laugh-out-loud story about a rare breed of wild rodent. But not me. When faced with trying to create an entry early in the month, all I can think about is Gary Coleman, spandex pants, and an expired box of Triscuit crackers. Not one of those things is something you want to be thinking about early in the month.
entry # 2,484
May 10, 2005 Entries: We here at the Journal strive for Biblical and/or scientific accuracy in all of our entries. The so-called "joke" of insinuating that Noah mistakenly forgot to include a certain breed of fish when gathering animals in the ark neglects that, since fish are pretty strong swimmers, they probably didn't need to be brought into the ark to survive a flood. However, the editors would like to point out that monkeys and ferrets were on the ark. If you ask me, it would be a great sitcom idea to have Noah and his family on the ark with all those animals. They would be not only dealing with day-to-day family issues, but also running around and cleaning up after all those crazy animals. Hijinks would ensue. Because monkeys and ferrets are just really funny.
May 5-6, 2005
May 11, 1999
Biblical and/or Scientific Innacuracy
entry # 2,485
We here at the Journal strive for Biblical and/or scientific accuracy in all of our entries. The so-called "joke" of insinuating that Noah mistakenly forgot to include a certain breed of fish when gathering animals in the ark neglects that, since fish are pretty strong swimmers, they probably didn't need to be brought into the ark to survive a flood.
However, the editors would like to point out that monkeys and ferrets were on the ark. If you ask me, it would be a great sitcom idea to have Noah and his family on the ark with all those animals. They would be not only dealing with day-to-day family issues, but also running around and cleaning up after all those crazy animals. Hijinks would ensue. Because monkeys and ferrets are just really funny.
May 11, 2005 So yesterday I went into her office and hid a decomposing French poodle in the back of one of her desk drawers. She might find it funny. I'm not sure. Maybe she'll get a good chuckle out of it. If nothing else, she'll finally be able to take down all of those "lost dog" posters she's been putting up all over town.
Corporate world pet peeve #263: My boss often comes over to my computer and points to things on the screen. She often touches the screen when she does this. Long fingernails... touching... clicking... touching... Why oh why must she actually touch the screen? CAN'T YOU JUST POINT WITHOUT GETTING MY MONITOR ALL SMEARY?
entry # 2,486
So yesterday I went into her office and hid a decomposing French poodle in the back of one of her desk drawers. She might find it funny. I'm not sure. Maybe she'll get a good chuckle out of it. If nothing else, she'll finally be able to take down all of those "lost dog" posters she's been putting up all over town.
May 12, 2005
I just received an invitation to stay at the abode of a famous-inknown bass player this month. My problem is that I can't decide on a house warming gift. Do I bring then five board feet of white oak or something more practical, like a goat?
entry # 2,487
May 13, 2005
I bet the whole Noah thing would make a great reality show. Put some strangers in a boat for a year, load the place with animals for the people to take care of, flood the Earth and let the cameras roll!
entry # 2,488
May 14, 2005
No matter how hard I try I just can't get a decent bubble out of gum drops.
Editors Note: The Journal apologizes for this entry. The writer has been sentenced to soak in a vat of pinto beans for one week.
entry # 2,489
May 15, 2005
I just got me a fancy new digital recording device, the 2005 version of a handheld cassette recorder. Technology has come a long way since my first recorder twenty years ago... this one is about 1/20th of the size. Plus it has a cool feature that allow you to only record when people are speaking (Voice Activated System). But my favorite options are the Substance Activated System (recorded 27 seconds of my most recent hour-long meeting) and Tired Phrase Activated System (Complete transcript: "bottle neck", "the ball is in your court".)
entry # 2,490
May 16, 2005
I'm now working with Panasonic to develop new options for their handheld digital recorders. Coming soon: A feature that makes management sound like Muppet characters. I'm currently finished with the Gonzo option and am halfway through Beaker.
entry # 2,491
May 17, 2005
I have this new idea for a TV show (ala Candid Camera) called, "The Super Wacky All-Star Surprise Hour." This half-hour show will feature stars from your favorite UPN shows who sneak up on people on the street, hitting them with a rotting horse leg. Then they tell them they're on The Super Wacky All-Star Surprise Hour and have the IRS perform a five-year audit on their income taxes. Wacky!
entry # 2,492
May 18, 2005
In just a few more days it will be Memorial Day, which means a long weekend at the lake. But the best part is that first tasty glass of lake water. It quenches your thirst and provides a full serving of vegetables in every glass.
entry # 2,493
May 19, 2005
I'm very close to completing my latest invention: a pill that induces violent vomiting within five minutes, guaranteed to get you out of any meeting. We'll make millions for sure?
entry # 2,494
May 20, 2005
I recently purchased my first MP3 player. A lot of people have their fancy iPods, or even a midrange Rio. Not me. I guy behind my local Burger King was selling his own brand for just $40 -- I believe it is called an "eRaul" because that is what is sketched on the back with a Sharpie. It is actually a pretty good quality product, except that it only plays Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Raul told me that for a small upgrade charge, it could also play the hits of Guy Lombardo.
entry # 2,495
May 21, 2005
After completing nearly one year in my new job, it is finally time to collect my first week's worth of vacation. Well, it's not really a vacation. I'll have to do some work while I'm there. But my company is paying for our airfare and hotel, and the convention fees. And I hear that Gary, Indiana, is really nice this time of year.
entry # 2,496
May 22, 2005 Today's entry compliments of the late Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
entry # 2,497
Today's entry compliments of the late Mitch Hedberg
May 23, 2005
Today, my wife and I celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. All these years, and she still calls me "Skippy."
entry # 2,498
May 24, 2005
entry # 2,499
May 25, 2005
I really wanted to put the May 24 and 25 entries together, but they kept going at it. Be careful.
entry # 2,500
May 26, 2005
Well, there was a problem with the html and the blue beta managed to get down to where the red one is. They both put up a good effort, but in the end, I fed them to our cat, who will appear in the January 25, 2008 entry--below our dog.
entry # 2,501
May 27, 2005
Well, it's the last Friday of the month, which means that I'm wearing my Hotdog Pants. I had them specially made at the same plant that makes hotdogs for consumers (I cannot tell you who they are, but it's Oscar Meyer...oh, wait...nevermind). Anyway, these babies are made of real, edible hotdog casings (beef lips, eyelids, etc.) and they're stuffed with ground-up chicken stomachs and intestines. They really hug my legs and people seem to get a kick out of 'em.
entry # 2,502
May 28, 2005
My goal at work is to be replaced by a robot--and not one of those new-fangled, smart robots that can do anything. I want to be replaced by a beer-drinking robot that refuses to work without 10 "smoke breaks" a day and health insurance that includes Chiropractic care and weekly nose-hair trimmings.
entry # 2,503
May 29, 2005
This is race day for me. Since I live in Indianapolis, my wife and I make the yearly trek to what I refer to as "sacred ground" to see the "greatest spectacle in racing." It's only at a world-class event like this that you get to see things like THIS!
entry # 2,504
May 30, 2005
It's the end of the month, which can only mean, "filler entries" for TDJ. Don't look for carefully created stories or anecdotes here. Instead, you'll have to accept the fact that it's Monday and a holiday---and, as usual, I'm not wearing pants.
entry # 2,505
May 31, 2005
I'm assuming that everyone has gotten out to see Star Wars: Episode III by now. So, it's ok if I share a few "spoilers" for everyone:
1. Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vader
2. Han Solo is born as "Sherry Solo."
3. Chebacca eats Frodo
4. C3P0 is turned into a 50,000-barrels-per-day oil pump.
5. George Lukas buys three more expensive sports cars and a second yacht.
entry # 2,506