April 2002
Click here for a complete listing of entrails.

At the risk of completely destroying The Daily Journal with yet another theme month (see the dreaded November 2001), each entry this month shall attempt to deal with the Dilbert-esque interview process. Either that or barnyard animals.

April 1, 2002
The best way to see if the prospective nanny is capable of caring for your children is to gague her reaction when you show her an 8X10 color glossy of Don Rickles dressed like Shirley Temple. E-Mail.

April 2, 2002
My favorite question to ask when conducting an interview is to ask the applicant to tell me three words that best describe their experiences with books by Sid Hoff. E-Mail.

April 3, 2002
If asked to construct a haiku during an interview as to why you want to work for the company Intravenous, you won't get extra points of mentioning male genitalia. E-Mail.

April 4, 2002
Interview Tip: No matter how well-groomed and life-like, it is generally considered bad form to compliment the interviewer on his toupee. E-Mail.

April 5, 2002
At the end of an interview, you will be presented with an opportunity to ask questions. One that will get you high marks is, "Do you think Bert and Ernie's friendship was strictly platonic?" E-Mail.

April 6, 2002
Power ties: Yes. Power shoes with motion activated LEDs and lots of silver sparkles: Only if interviewing at a Fortune 500 company. E-Mail.

April 7, 2002
It's okay to mention in an interview that you are "King Funk-o-liscious" but only if you can provide documentation that you are worthy of the title. E-Mail.

April 8, 2002
If you and the interviewer are of the same astrological sign, pants are optional. E-Mail.

April 9, 2002
Question #6 on my most recent application, "Are you currently, or have you ever been the Mayor of Zippidy Doo Da Ville?" We're not making this stuff up, folks. E-Mail.

April 10, 2002
Little known fact: I actually got my first job at RAX by singing the song from a beloved Saturday morning educational spot. In case Arby's crushed competition revives itself and YOU want to get a low-paying job in fast food, here's the song:

Bang, bang, bang!
Oh! Howdy Partner! Time for Timer!
Do you ever get that hungry feeling after school?
Boy, I do! I'm so hungry, I could eat a wagon wheel!

When I'm slow on the draw and I need something to chaw,
I hanker for a hunk of cheese!
When my ten gallon hat's a-feelin' five gallons flat 
I've got something planned, which is
Little cheese sandwiches! Come on!

Here's a great little snack to tide you over till dinner!
If you want something that's delicious and nutritious, cheese is a super snack! Look! A wagon wheel!

When my get up and go has got up and went,
I hanker for a hunk of cheese!
When I'm dancin' the hoedown and my boots kinda slow down,
Or anytime I'm week in the knees,
I hanker for a hunk of,
A slab, a slice, a chunk of,
A snack that is a winner, 
And yet won't spoil my dinner!
I hanker for a hunk of cheese! Ya-hoo!

April 11, 2002
The truth is, no one really cares about your favorite Lawrence Welk moment so only mention it if the interviewer looks like they really want to know. E-Mail.

April 12, 2002
Although generally considered bad form, it IS possible for a single individual to complete an entire month of journal entries. I wouldn't recommend it, however, because it cuts into the time available to harrass prospective employees after their interview. E-Mail.

April 13, 2002
If the office where you are seeking a job is littered with the cadavers of previous employees, the life sucked out of them, their carcasses shriveled and dried husks of their former selves, be sure and stop by my office and say 'Hello.' E-Mail.

April 14, 2002
The best companies provide free coffee and pop for their employees. Mine offers deep-fried chunks of discontinued Muppet characters. Always ask about benefits. E-Mail.

April 15, 2002
The other day I was interviewing this guy for this job. Having eaten a large Wendys chili for lunch, I was quite flatulent. So throughout the interview while this guy was talking, I kept it all in, surprising even myself. However, at the end my sphincter blew out, requiring yet another trip to the emergency room and extensive recomstructive surgery. E-Mail.

April 16, 2002
If your regular interview suit is at the cleaners, may I recommend the following:

April 17, 2002
Back before the recent management shuffle, interview day was big around here. All the current employees would gather together with our whiffle ball bats and make the newbies run the gauntlet while we smacked the tar out of 'em. Now they just walk 50 feet on crushed glass... boooooring! E-Mail.

April 18, 2002
Ed: Rog is not able to access the site right now but he sent two entries he is working on.
I've noticed that at job interviews...
(NOTE, this one is not done yet. I think I'm gonna add something about a penguin, because penguins are usually funny--especially when referring to job interviews. This stuff is GOLD!)

April 19, 2002
The safest thing to bring to a job interview is a...
(NOTE: this one is also not complete, but I've got it all worked out in my mind. This one will delve into the postmodern notions of lonliness and despair as they relate to our own selfish desires and feelings of social inadequecy. FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF!!)

April 20, 2002
Proper interviewing pose:

April 21, 2002
I know you love your pet chicken but for the love of Mike, leave her at home when you apply for a job at the Colonels. E-Mail.

April 22, 2002
When I interview candidates for a job, the ability to play Ukranian melodies on the bouzouki carries a lot of weight. E-Mail.

April 23, 2002
Isn't it funny how easily our mouths slip when in stressful conditions? For example, earlier tody when I was interviewing for a great job with a wonderful company that offered low-cost, high-quality benefits, I meant to answer the "3 words that describe you" questions. What I ended up saying was, "If you give me this job I promise to spend at least an hour each week, of my own time, hotwaxing the hair off your back." E-Mail.

April 24, 2002
When asked in an interview to discuss areas in which you need to improve, it's usually not the best time to talk about your lengthy record of office pilgerage. E-Mail.

April 25, 2002
I bring my good luck Tickle-Me-Elmo doll to every interview. E-Mail.

April 26, 2002
If you really want to impress during an interview, answer all questions in Semaphor Code. E-Mail.

April 27, 2002
While you are justifiably proud of such an accomplishment, most interviewers don't care that you've seen every Asia Carrera "film" ever made. E-Mail.

April 28, 2002
As a proud pet owner, I always bring my pet hermit crab to interviews. E-Mail.

April 29, 2002
The way I got my last job was I brought my accordion to the interview, making a big show out of taking it from it's case and setting it gently on the table between the interviewer and myself. From that point on I denied the existence of said accordion, talking through it to the interviewer. After everything was over, I packed up the squeezebox, thanked him for his time, clicked my heels together twice, and left. E-Mail.

April 30, 2002
It's always a good sign when the candidate feels comfortable enough at the interview to work on his crochet project and refer to himself as "Granny." E-Mail.

April 31, 2002
The Boy here, adding an extra day to April just because I didn't want to feel left out this month. I'd like to mention that in my last job interview, there was a great deal of cotto salami, discussions of Mr. T, and flatulence. And it was definitely the last time that I will apply for a government job. E-Mail.