August 2003
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We steal all of our cheesy MIDI songs from "Bruce Wilson's MIDI TRACKS Music Page".
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August 1, 2003
If I were a bird, I would poop on the President. It's not that I really have anything against the President. I just think that I could get away with that sort of thing as a bird.
entry # 1,865

August 2, 2003
Here at TDJ we don't believe in gimmicks to get your attention.
We prefer a more subtle approach.
That's why we've all had our eyebrows surgically removed and implanted on our buttocks.

entry # 1,866

August 3, 2003
I've noticed a conspiracy lately in the humble burg of Fort Wayne... people are all wearing orange shirts. I first noticed it at the store when I stood behind a guy in an orange shirt who was buying a five gallon tub of Preparation H. The checkout gal was also wearing an orange shirt. Then the manager came out of the back wearing a blue shirt (his rank gets him a special color). Then some tweens came into the store wearing, I kid you not, a yellow shirt, a Tool concert shirt, and a wild article of clothing with horizontal stripes. If you mixed some of the colors they were wearing you'd surely get orange. More nearly-orange shirts awaited me at Ye Olde Colonic Irrigation Station where the attendant wore a brown smock, another derivative of orange. IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YA!!!!!
entry # 1,867

August 4, 2003
If I could be any chord, I'd be E minor because E minor chords get extra slaw with their meals for free.
entry # 1,868

August 5, 2003
Coffee aficionados will tell you that the microwave is the sworn enemy to a good cup of coffee. However, what they will NOT tell you is that the microwave is also the sworn enemy of tulip bulbs, vials of mercury and crates of live hamsters. It's just like those hoity-toity coffee aficionados to keep that kind of information from us!
entry # 1,869

August 6, 2003
While the Presto Salad Shooter works well with most vegetables, I don't recommend it for gravy or downed tree limbs.
entry # 1,870

August 7, 2003
Our newest TDJ Industries spin-off site, "Meet Singles With Shingles" doesn't seem to be taking off. If you're single and would like to meet other singles currently afflicted with Shingles, drop us a line.
entry # 1,871

August 8, 2003
I recently decided to feed the scientifically dieted monkeys fiddle-faddle... out of spite.
entry # 1,872

August 9, 2003
Wrinkly old people are trying to steal my life essence.
entry # 1,873

August 10, 2003
There's a big stink in my office about "special rights" and how far a corporation should bend over to accomodate the lifestyles of others. I'm personally of the camp that the sasquatch we just hired in Compensation should sit in a regular 6' X 8' cubicle like everyone else no matter how broad his shoulders.
entry # 1,874

August 11, 2003
I remember well the first time I picked up a hitchhiker. It was along route I-70 and I made the Army surplus jacket wearin' fellow sit in the back seat between the mummified remains of ma and pa. His every attempt at nervous small talk I answered with a random line of dialogue from "Gilligan's Island". Then, just as he was about to cry, I informed him that I was Bob Saget's cousin, causing him to wet himself and the seat. I guess that's why they always tell you not to pick up hitchhikers.
Thank you... thank you... I'll be here all week!!!!
entry # 1,875

August 12, 2003
To satiate your appetite while on long car trips, there's nothing better than a peach-prune cobbler washed down with six cups of strong coffee.
entry # 1,876

August 13, 2003
I wish someone had informed me that the couches outside the north meeting room weren't intended for napping.
entry # 1,877

August 14, 2003
Playground equipment isn't nearly as fun if it isn't strewn with freshly cut sides of beef.
entry # 1,878

August 15, 2003
My latest idea to generate millions:

The GravyBot 3000.

You fill in the details.
entry # 1,879

August 16, 2003

entry # 1,880

August 17, 2003
I recently purchased an electric fence which I've already installed in my yard, completly surrounding my house. Wait, did I say, my house? I meant, my neighbor's house.
entry # 1,881

August 18, 2003
I've given up on trying to bring back old fads like the hula-hoop. Instead, I'm trying to invent my own. There's nothing funny about this. It's just a sad, pathetic glimpse into my excuse for a life. I spent the last seven hours evaluating pet sponges and leather fisbees.
entry # 1,882

August 19, 2003
Thanks to our newly acquired time machine the TDJ proudly presents a journal entry from the future!!!!

August 19, 2042
Today was a typical day of working in my 4' X 4' X 4' cube. That is it WAS typical until the springletod exploded Pepsite all over my ta nackie.
entry # 1,883

August 20, 2003
More future entries...

August 20, 2011
I can't wait until they get all the kinks worked out of the government mandated automobile auto-pilot controls. I simply needed to get to work but my car took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and I ended up in Boise, Idaho just in time for the annual creamed corn midget wrestling competition. So I won't be into work today.

entry # 1,884

August 21, 2003
One more fore the road:

August 21, 2008
Back in 2003 I never would have believed that backfat is the new cleavage.

entry # 1,885

August 22, 2003
I'll read your "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" and "Who Moved My Dad-Blurned Cheese?" and their ilk during off-work hours just as soon as I'm allowed to read books on becoming a better father/husband/pumperknickel during work hours.
entry # 1,886

August 23, 2003
Apathy has infected the TDJ writers to the point that I won't even finish this jou
entry # 1,887

August 24, 2003
Things have gotten bleak at my office. Everyone's up-to-date on the latest Dilbert cartoons and there are no new edited GI Joe PSAs to watch. So, co-workers have begun "offing" themselves in some of the most unusual ways. Curtis, from the IT Department, stabbed himself to death in the break room using a plastic butter knife. At least this gave us something to do for a while. Larry, in Accounting ended his life by jumping out the window. Being on the first floor made this quite a challenge for Larry, but he pulled it off after the 131st jump.
entry # 1,888

August 25, 2003
When your wife asks you to be honest with you about your feelings towards her never, I repeat NEVER use the word troglodyte.
entry # 1,889

August 26, 2003
Now that the world is putting forth its best efforts to eliminate e-mail spam and pop-up messages, we need to come up with something even more intrusive to annoy Internet users. Therefore, I've proposed a new sound format file that takes control of one's Web browser and sends out a screaching pitch, rendering the user's dogs deaf. I have several national pet sale chains who are willing to invest in this technology.
entry # 1,890

August 27, 2003
I've been informed by one of our readers that using technology to deafen pets is NOT funny. However, using their pelts to make wigs for the blind IS.
entry # 1,891

August 28, 2003
Those self-scan lanes at Wal-Mart are a great idea for speeding up the checkout process... provided that the customer in front of you "using" the scanner is not clinically brain dead.
entry # 1,892

August 29, 2003
From guest-writer Carolyn Noyes:
When deaf people play charades, do they stick their hands in their pockets and try to speak?
entry # 1,893

August 30, 2003
Oval Frog With Puddle -O- Urine.
entry # 1,894

August 31, 2003
Angry, Possessed Goldfish Lacks Charmin
entry # 1,895

psst! Highlight the secret messages below

Jason wears a thong.

My SECRET Beanie Baby obsession has landed me in prison on two occasions.

Beet Juice: it's not just for canker sores anymore.