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August 1, 2004
I'm turning over a new leaf at the office. No more Mr. "Yes, I'm still wearing the pink fedora with matching lemur-fur slacks."
entry # 2,203
August 2, 2004
A sad story today here in southern Indiana, and no, it doesn't involve an exploding meth lab (at least not today). A horse and buggy was in an accident with a van. Luckily, no one was killed. The most noteworthy part of the story is that the newspaper noted that the accident occurred near "Dinkie's Auction Barn." I'm very impressed that Dinkie has branched out his large business conglomerate to include not only computer software, real estate, and international trading, but also to go into auction barns. I hear it's where the real money is.
entry # 2,204
August 3, 2004
Since no one notified Scotty that August is THE MONTH OF UNDERGARMENTS he'll be excused for the previous entries... but now here comes the good stuff!
I'm not sure why saying "Underpants" is inherently more funny that "Underwear" but next month the Smithsonian will spend millions of your tax dollars to find out.
entry # 2,205
August 4, 2004
A co-worker noted that "p"'s and "k"'s are inherently funny, especially when combined."Kangaroo" = funny"Kangaroo underpants" = comedy gold.
entry # 2,206
August 5, 2004
I can't help but feel that my goldfish would be happier if he was wearing a swimming suit or perhaps some kind of corset and a fright wig.
entry # 2,207
August 6, 2004
As today is my wee brother Chris' birthday I plan to give him the gift that keeps on giving: Rock'Em Sock'Em Underpants!
entry # 2,208
August 7, 2004
Toliets are made in a small country off the land of Pooptopia.
(Contributed by TDJ friend JW, also known as "Wolverine")
entry # 2,209
August 8, 2004
For some reason, I feel it necessary to at least wear underpants while my dog is around me, even though he is always completly uncovered. I have found out that this is also greatly appreciated by my neigbors when I take him out for walks.
entry # 2,210
August 9, 2004
One of the most challenging things for a TDJ writer to do is write exclusively about one subject--in this case, "underpants." Therefore, I've been trying different things throughout the day to inspire me. Right now, for instance, I'm attempting to consume two gallons of tomato juice in just under 30 minutes. Of course, this has nothing to do with underpants, but I've managed to get the word in two times already with this entry--and I believe one of my organs just ruptured, which may have an impact on my underpants...THREE!
entry # 2,211
August 10, 2004
If you look up the word, "underpants" via Google (www.google.com) the first thing that comes up is a kids site by Scholastic called "Captain Underpants". Scholastic is best known for making and selling books to school children here in the United States. Captain Underpants appears to be a balding fat man with bat wings who wears nothing but underpants. This is certainly the type of role model that I'm looking for to teach my kids. With book titles like, "Captain Underpants and the Invasion of the Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies from Outer Space," how can you go wrong? By the way, if anyone has a copy of that book please contact me via e-mail.
entry # 2,212
August 11, 2004
I don't usually associate a trumpet with underpants. I'm not sure why I chose to share that, but that's the case...Ok, yesterday I DID associate a trumpet with underpants. That's probably why I chose to pen this entry. Ok, specifically, I confused the two entirely and let me tell you that it's incredibly painful to wear a trumpet under your trousers for an entire day at work and then when you try to play a solo on your underpants at the evening church service, well, that's just embarassing.
entry # 2,213
August 12, 2004
One other note on playing a solo with your underpants at church, fellas. This is one of those times when you REALLY want to make sure that you have clean underwear. Also, I'm starting to get used to the fit of the trumpet under my pants.
entry # 2,214
August 13, 2004
I've eaten through all my chocolate and my hidden supply of emergency chocolate. I guess I'll have to resort to the Skittles and Tootsie Rolls I keep in my undies.
entry # 2,222
August 14, 2004
You know the end of the world is near when Mattel brings out a line of Hitler Underpants for Ken dolls.
entry # 2,215
August 15, 2004
My uncle doesn't want us to talk about underwear any more.
entry # 2,216
August 16, 2004
All this time I thought I had a monkey wrench when it turns out it was just a Stillson. Now what am I gonna do to get these tightie whities off?
entry # 2,217
August 17, 2004
I love the freedom of expression that we allow for children. Just yesterday I was in a local store when a few kids started dancing freely to the song they were hearing on the PA system. I remember thinking to myself, "Why can't I do that?" Well, you know what...I DID it. And I've never felt so free. Sure, people were staring at me and I ended up getting escorted out of the place and had to sign some document stating that I'd never enter the establishment again, but that's because I stripped down to my underpants.
entry # 2,218
August 18, 2004
Nothing on underpants or undergarments today. However, my friend had a great idea for a new cooking show to air on FoodTV. We'd call it, "Cooking With Ollie." Ollie, the lovable host, would show folks how to make great tasting meals without all the fuss. But the twist on this show is that at some point, in every episode, Ollie ends up dumping hot oil on his lap and suffers 3rd degree burns.
entry # 2,219
August 19, 2004
I'm sure you've heard the old saying, "Don't get your panties in a bunch." Well, here in the Midwest, we have a similar phrase, that goes something like "Don't hang your underwear from your ears while whistling show tunes and sniffing more than three varieties of gourmet mustard." It's not so much a rule as a workplace suggestion.
entry # 2,220
August 20, 2004
Saying something is "outside the box" is so "inside the box."
entry # 2,221
August 21, 2004
Work is no longer exciting and fun like it was when "Crazy Harrold" worked here. Considering the theme of this month you might expect Crazy Harrold to do something like wearing his underpants on the outside of his pants or something but that is not the case. That would be too common for Crazy Harrold. You might also thing that perhaps Crazy Harrold would have run around the office proclaiming his love of Skiffle bands but once again you would be dead wrong. Crazy Harrold's genius was greater than that. What this man did was to sit quietly at his desk and doing his work every day, denying that he was crazy when confronted with a simple but often irritable, "No, I'm not crazy." But we knew better. Man, was that guy a hoot!
entry # 2,222
August 22, 2004
"Excuse me," she said. "Is this seat taken?"
The anthropomorphic Underoos looked up from his coffee to find a striking pair of thigh-high stockings in front of him, looking expectantly his way. He managed to finally stammer out "Um, no... please sit down."
TWINS! Thoughts the underoos. Surely they were just playing with him, what with their fresh-from-the-package sheen and their flirty looks. What would they ever want with a worn pair of red undies? It wasn't like this happened all the time, or ever. Actually, he had always had a difficult time trying to get women's underwear to take him seriously, what with being designed for children.
Just as the stockings were sitting down across from him, smiling pleasantly his way, that he remembered his curse, little Tommy's skid marks, and he realized that he might as well throw himself into the laundry hamper and be done with it.
entry # 2,223
August 23, 2004
Gatorade isn't made from alligators and Powerade doesn't give you super powers. However both beverages, if imbibed in sufficient quantities, will make you need to use the toilet.
entry # 2,224
August 24, 2004
entry # 2,225
entry # 2,225
August 25, 2004
We've reached that part of the month that I like to call, "Crap Filler." So, enjoy...
entry # 2,226
August 26, 2004
Hi mom. I got those pictures you sent. Man, dad looks fat in a Speedo.
entry # 2,227
August 27, 2004
I'm starting to collect the styrofoam cups that I drink out of at work. Also, I've started naming them. If things go well with "Gerty - August 3, 2004" we will be engaged in six months, unless I decide to poke a hole in her and set her on fire like "Eunice - August 15, 2004."
entry # 2,228
August 28, 2004
It's hard coming up with a whole bunch of TDJ entries all at the same time, especially since mine are almost always conjured up during a trip to the throne for the "Ole Number 2." You can chalk up all of this creativity to active bowels--or the entire can of Metamucil I ate.
entry # 2,229
August 29, 2004
When your boss asks you to write out your job description, I don't recommend using the phrase, "all tanked up" anywhere.
entry # 2,230
August 30, 2004
I'm currently marketing a line of Zen hot dogs that will appeal to people with way too much money on their hands.
entry # 2,231
August 31, 2004
My friend Brian has a dog. His name is Buddy. I also have a friend name Buddy who has a dog named, Brian...and I like soup. The month is over. Move on to September now.
entry # 2,232