Septemberber 1, 2004
Dad always said that I was his favorite son. Maybe that's why he always forced me to wear the special shirt he had made for me that said, "Daddy's Fat Little Princess."
entry # 2,233

Septemberber 2, 2004
I don't recommend buying perfume for your wife at Wal-Mart--especially one called, "Truck Stop Bathroom."
entry # 2,234

Septemberber 3, 2004
There aren't very many ways to sneak a spider monkey past the tight security in my building. So far I've come up with six but only if the spider monkey is very, very small.
entry # 2,235

Septemberber 4, 2004
Todat at 1:00 I stood up and shouted out "SWITCH!". So everyone moved over one cubicle and tried to do that person's job for half an hour. While I hadn't planned on doing finance work it was certainly much better than Arnold who had to switch places with the "secretary" of one of the executives.
entry # 2,236

Septemberber 5, 2004
There's nothing like a three day weekend to bring your spirits up a bit--that and the big bag of money I just lifted from the ATM machine.
entry # 2,237

Septemberber 6, 2004
Statisticians have determined that we spend nearly 70% of our lives mulling over statistics.
entry # 2,238

Septemberber 7, 2004
I have the idea for the next great TV Reality Show. With the craze for instant, viewer determined super-stardom (Fox's American Idol, NBC's Last Comic Standing and many others) and the current physical condition of the Pope...you guessed it: "NBC presents, Who Wants to be the Pope?. This hour-long weekly reality series will put the world's most aspiring Pontif wannabe's against each other as they battle it out for the big hat and the keys to the all-knew TRICKED OUT POPE-MOBILE, courtesy of the Discovery Channel's own, American Chopper.
entry # 2,239

Septemberber 8, 2004
I visited the Lincoln Museum yesterday and was surprised to find that ol' Abe was quite the innovator! Not only is he the only American President to hold a patent (it had something to do with beaches flatboats or milking game show hosts) but he also pioneered the modern tour bus. Of course gasoline engines weren't invented then so it was powered by slaves.
entry # 2,240

Septemberber 9, 2004
I realize that the above entry may have gone over the line and will surely offend all two of our regular readers. However I should point out that TDJ does not discriminate in any way among game show hosts, believing them to be at least equal with reality show contestants.
entry # 2,241

Septemberber 10, 2004
I'll be switching employers soon, a daring move. Of course I'll miss the people here and the copious hallways you can hide in to take a quick nap. But more than anything, I'll miss the Tuesday afternoon gravy bar.
entry # 2,242

Septemberber 11, 2004
We have been warned that if we attempt to be funny today that Islam-faschists will kill more school children or blow up more American-infidel buildings.
entry # 2,243

Septemberber 12, 2004
The only problem I have with co-workers hanging sides of beef in their cubicles is that these are the same people who complained with I tried to organize a leiderhosen parade.
entry # 2,244

Septemberber 13, 2004
When in doubt, it's a good bet that the local Goodwill does NOT have valet parking.
entry # 2,246

Septemberber 14, 2004
The best thing about the word "mature" is that it rhymes with "manure."
entry # 2,247

Septemberber 15, 2004
At the end of this week I'll be leaving an employer I've been with for nearly twelve years. The weirdest thing is talking to people I've had casual conversations with for years and know that it is the last, that I'll probably never speak to them again. At least I'll never speak to them again with my pockets bulging with pilfered office supplies.
entry # 2,248

Septemberber 16, 2004
We are behind only because we don't really care.
entry # 2,249

Septemberber 17, 2004
I can't go into much detail on my super-secret life as a triple agent but I will tell you that Crispy Cremes are NOT made with extra riboflavin..
entry # 2,250

Septemberber 18, 2004
Yeah, I admit that I took the easy way out on that last entry. "Whenever stumped," so they say, "go for the riboflavin." And so I did just last week in a discussion with my manager.
BOSS: "Ya know, I think you spend too much time on the internet."
Me: "Well, yeah... RIBOFLAVIN!
entry # 2,251

Septemberber 19, 2004
Yesterday was my dad's birthday. What better gift than to dedicate an entry to a man who will never read it? Oh, wait... he finally has a PC and an internet connection. Which means he could possibly read that entry last April where I confessed to that "chicken house" incident when I was sixteen. Which means that I could be toast. Melba toast. Burnt Melba toast. With bacon. And a small glass of orange juice.
entry # 2,252

Septemberber 20, 2004
I had that recurring dream again last night, the one where David Hasselhoff and the Taco Bell dog appear to me, rambling on about politics, the environment, and the importance of eating a healthy breakfast. If anyone can explain this one to me, please email us.
entry # 2,253

Septemberber 21, 2004
We have used just over half of our storage space here on Tripod/Lycos, which means that somewhere around November of 2009, we are going to run out of room. But luckily, computers will have been replaced by tiny chips implanted directly onto our frontal lobe. And the world will be run by a renegade sect of Amish squirrel monkeys.
entry # 2,254

Septemberber 22, 2004
What with all of the career changes going on among the Daily Journal staff, I'm beginning to think perhaps we spend too much time at our jobs perusing the Internet.
entry # 2,255

Septemberber 23, 2004
Strange But True Facts
4 out of 5 dentists recommend the daily injestion of raw hamburger meat and rat mucus.
entry # 2,256

Septemberber 24, 2004
Strange But True Facts
Scientist who view spleens regularly are twice as likely to wear comfortable shoes.
entry # 2,257

Septemberber 25, 2004
Strange But True Facts
The tuba was once used by naked plummers to invent fake electricity.
entry # 2,258

Septemberber 26, 2004
Strange But True Facts
The process of goat exploitation was perfected by the Spaniards and exported to the remote islands of China in exchange for coffee beans.
entry # 2,259

Septemberber 27, 2004
Strange But True Facts
Porcupine quills have been used in ancient times to treat male-pattern baldness and to throttle network bandwidth.
entry # 2,260

Septemberber 28, 2004
Things are confusing as they are to be expected two days into a new job, learning about servers and processes and which anal probe NOT to recommend to clients. But pieces are starting to fit together (e.g. Lithuanians should try probe model BFB42-D).
entry # 2,261

Septemberber 29, 2004
As a Hoosier, I'm mighty proud of our collective ability to consider ourselves superior to those who live in Kentucky, Ohio, and most Washington politicians.
entry # 2,262

Septemberber 30, 2004
Today is the last day of September so if you've not yet waxed despondant on the fleeting of your youth, be sure to do so by midnight tonight so you can take advantage of some amazing offers from Buzzco!
entry # 2,263