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July 2004
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July 1, 2004
The secret, hidden, obfuscated messages have mysteriously disappeared. At least that's what the gubbermink would like us to believe. We all know it was that rascally Muffin Man.
entry # 2,172

July 2, 2004
A Boston Globe article today lists an amazing number of facts about our epidermis (Living section, page 3). However they fail to mention our skins fascinating habit of turning paisley when confronted with the truth about our role in the abduction of the Lindberg baby.
entry # 2,173

July 3, 2004
Italian shoes aren't made or even available in Italy. It's all a marketing ploy to make gullible, continental-bound Americans pay exhorbitant prices for footwear. They are actually made in Hoboken, New Jersey just next to the place that makes Garden Weezuls during the pre-summer months and Fiddle Faddle the rest of the year.
entry # 2,174

July 4, 2004
Nostrodaumus predicted that Snickers would be available in bite-sized and "plank-sized" forms by the year 2004. Man, was he way off.
entry # 2,175

July 5, 2004
Flapjack maestro and TDJ journalist "Roger Shuman" has once again fled the continent in an effort to "find himself." I hope this time his journey of self discovery doesn't lead him to join a cult of plantain smugglers.
entry # 2,176

July 6, 2004
I'm smelling my forearm and I have no idea why.
entry # 2,177

July 7, 2004
One of the best part of remarriage is the abundance of clothes hangers. We have so many that we've begun to fashion furniture and small appliances out of them. I had originally hoped to create furniture that doubled as a small appliance but my "Blender Chair" that ol' Rog sat on left him with curious side effects.
entry # 2,178

July 8, 2004
To quote a great net toon, "My spoon's too big." I think you know what I mean.
entry # 2,179

July 9, 2004
The other night, while serving my second stint as a volunteer fireman, the alarm went off. Silly neophyte that I am I hit the snooze button and four city blocks burned down. [insert rim shot]
entry # 2,180

July 10, 2004
I'm starting to think that my new boss doesn't like me. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when he comes in and tells me to put my pants back on and stop singing show tunes. I just don't think I'll ever get used to the strict working ideals here in the public sector.
entry # 2,181

July 11, 2004
My wife has been working long hours this week, which has left me home with my two young kids most evenings. But it hasn't hampered my active social life. Luckily for me, she'll never find out that two rolls of aluminum foil, a bucket of lard, and a jumbo box of paper clips can keep them occupied for hours.
entry # 2,182

July 12, 2004
Please forgive me if I seem a bit out of it but I just learned that Steve Burns is my bioligical father.
entry # 2,183

July 13, 2004
Currently, I'm replacing the vinyl siding on my home with hamburger meat.
entry # 2,184

July 14, 2004
"Savory Herbs and Spices" may sound like a great flavor, but not when it's underpants.
entry # 2,185

July 15, 2004
Scientists have recently discovered that the entire Upper Peninsula of Michigan is made up of dead skin cells from head of the late Telly Savales.
entry # 2,186

July 16, 2004
I have to admit that some of these entries are low-grade "filler" at best.
entry # 2,187

July 17, 2004
Sometimes, when I cannot think of anything to write for TDJ, I just make up a word. Today's word is "Spyootermonkey," which is any monkey at the zoo that insists on hurling his body secretions at spectators.
entry # 2,188

July 18, 2004
I've been taking one of those verbal advantage type courses to improve my business skills. People notice you when you use creative words in meetings. For instance, just yesterday, when asked to describe our new Quality Control plan to our Corporate Vice President at the home office, I noted that it was "moist and succulent."
entry # 2,189

July 19, 2004
My wife is having one of those "milestone" birthdays today. I really wanted to make the day special for her so I rented her a dachshund and sprinkled rose petals all over the house. Unbeknownst to me, the dachshund had a bad experience with rose petals in his youth and ended up chewing off his own tail in angst, meaning that I didn't get my deposit back. As I had been planning to use the deposit to pay to have my atrophied leg surgically lengthened this now means that I won't be able to dance the Electric Slide. And my bride loves to dance the Electric Slide.
entry # 2,190

July 20, 2004
Remember that garlic is your friend. But if the rest of your friends are vampires expect to spend a lot of time training garlic cloves how to play backgammon.
entry # 2,191

July 21, 2004
Yesterday I nearly killed two birds on two seperate occasions with my vehicle. This all happened within a five minute period. As it turns out, someone had painted the words, "Crap Sandwich" on my van, which doesn't make any sense. Fructose.
entry # 2,192

July 22, 2004
Recently, while on a weekend trip to glorious Evansville, Indiana (home of the original meth lab, which exploded minutes after it's inception but this demise, like dead young self-destructive rock stars, only encouraged others to emulate this behavior) I was reminded of how different two areas of the same state can be. You see, in snooty northern Fort Wayne we don't have billboard signs offering gallon jugs of sweet tea with a bucket of chicken. Instead we offer the cosmopolitan delight known as Beef Jerkey Broth.
entry # 2,193

July 23, 2004
Some day I will finally figure out how a way to make my socks sodium free. And then I'll make millions for sure.
entry # 2,194

July 24, 2004
I really can't tell you why I have such an affinity for Steve Burns and his boyish charm, at least until the court case is settled.
entry # 2,195

July 25, 2004
Riding a motorcyle is such a different experience than riding in a car, especially if you forget to wear your helmet and it's locust season.
entry # 2,196

July 26, 2004
I'm tired of my job. Every day it's the same old thing. My only relief comes in the form on internet escapism and daydreams that one day I will become the world's first gastropod chiropractor.
entry # 2,197

July 27, 2004
Memo to self: Whale blubber brownies will not make grandma write you back in the will.
entry # 2,198

July 28, 2004
Shortly before his death George Harrison confided in me that he was actually the Walrus but that Paul often came to the studio in drag and insisted the he be called "Polythene Pam."
entry # 2,199

July 29, 2004
Goldfish make excellent pets for the elderly. Caribou do not.
entry # 2,200

July 30, 2004
The other day I noticed a sign that said, "DOG BATHS" with a phone number to call. I was a bit disappointed when I called them later on in the day. As it turns out, they don't supply the dogs and you're not allowed to get into the bath with them. And they didn't seem to hip to the idea of taking pictures. What a rip-off!
entry # 2,201

July 31, 2004
Hey, fellow TDJ authors... when are we going to have that next annual stupid-movie-thon/jam session/ham hock simmering event? Art Carney is interested in attending and will bring his own waffle iron.
entry # 2,202