August 2005
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August 1, 2005
In case you weren't aware: Each of the three regular contributors to The Daily Journal is an established musician. Not so much "household-name-famous", mind you, but here are some little-known facts about The Daily Journal writers:

entry # 2,570

August 2, 2005
Today at work, I was putting together a PowerPoint presentation when I lost all feeling in my hair.
entry # 2,571

August 3, 2005
Some cell phone plans offer free long distance on nights and weekends. Sign up now for the new Daily Journal cell phone plan where you get free long distance when you're not wearing pants. We'll make millions for sure!
entry # 2,572

August 4, 2005
We just found out that our new house is haunted, like that house in Amityville. But it seems like our ghost isn't quite clear on the concept of haunting for instead of blood, our walls drip chocolate syrup and the voice that tells us to "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE" is a silly, kooky clown voice.
entry # 2,573

August 5, 2005
I've got one word for you, my friend: DUPLEX.
entry # 2,574

August 6, 2005
Today is the kind of day where you wake up, jump out of bed, and slip on the peanut butter smeared all over the floor and walls, busting your bum on the hardwood floors. DURN YOU MONKIES AND YOUR PEANUT BUTTER-SMEARING WAYS!!!!
entry # 2,575

August 7, 2005
Last night, I'm pretty sure my pet marmot farted on me while I was sleeping.
entry # 2,576

August 8, 2005
Apparently, I was supposed to be at work at 7 AM this morning for a teleconference with India. I missed it. For some reason, there were some problems communicating the details of the meeting, and I was given the wrong time and dial-in numbers. But I did have a nice chat with a strange couple in Nigeria last night, and as it turns out, they need my help transferring some money to America.
entry # 2,577

August 9, 2005
Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk, when I saw Marge from Accounting running down the hall. She had an aluminum foil hat on her head, and she was screaming something about Neil Diamond, water polo, and mayonaise. She's normally pretty wacky and likes to joke around, so I didn't think anything of it. But then, a couple of minutes later, Neil Diamond ran by in swim trunks, and he had Miracle Whip lathered all over his chest.

Weird. I wonder how he got past security again.
entry # 2,578

August 10, 2005
As a young boy, my great-grandfather always used to say to me, "Mary Ellen, every bathtub needs a rabbit."
entry # 2,579

August 11, 2005
As the family packs for our trip to Philadelphia and all things Pennsylvanian I found myself in the midst of a conundrum whilst packing my toiletries. In the end I decided not to pack my electric razor because I wasn't sure that it would run on the kind of corrupt power they have over in those blue states.
entry # 2,580

August 12, 2005
In honor of Juice Newton I decided to name my crabgrass "Herb Johnson", the name of her manager during the mid-90s.
entry # 2,581

August 13, 2005
The new consultant my company hired has got to be worth all the money they are paying him because he speaks in hieroglyphics.
entry # 2,582

August 14, 2005
The other day I was sitting on a folding lawn chair outside my trailor in the lovely Linkin Park, drinking a Miller Light when Hoobastank pulled up and asked directions to Nelly's trailor. I pointed out that it was down a ways, about three doors down, just next to the double-wide of Ludacris but if they reach Nickleback's trailor they've gone too far. They thanked me and offered to usher me into their vehicle for a little party. I have no doubt it would have been fun but I felt like an oukast that day and decided to play canasta with Toby Keith next door.
entry # 2,583

August 15, 2005
No one in my office seems to understand me. I walked into the break room yesterday dressed as a blood-shooting, thong-wearing monster robot and nobody understands. I feel so alone.
entry # 2,584

August 16, 2005
If your local plummer ever asks you if he can "check out your pipes" while winking at your wife, don't take him up on it unless you can pay upfront.
entry # 2,585

August 17, 2005
The TDJ Editorial Advisory Board asked me to apologize for yesterday's entry. However, when I explained to them that it wasn't intended to be crude, they immediatly rescinded their request--until I showed them the pictures.
entry # 2,586

August 18, 2005
Here's a free tip for you from someone with experience. If you're ever sitting at your office desk after lunch and happen to lick your lips noticing that there's something on one of them, don't automatically assume that it was part of your lunch and start eating it--especially if it starts moving in your mouth.
entry # 2,587

August 19, 2005
I finally watched the latest and last Star Wars movie this weekend. My only question is that with all the digital and special effects tricks up their sleeves, why did Padme's pregenancy look like she was hiding a basketball under her clothes? Have the geeks and nerds that created Star Wars never seen a pregnant woman?!?!?! Wait... don't answer that.
entry # 2,588

August 20, 2005
This morning David Hasselhoff toured my office. No one was really sure why he was here because we don't make, market, or merchandise speedos for old men. After he left we all let out a big sigh of relief, especially KIT, the new guy in the cubicle next to me. I wish that new guy would get a tune up or something because his fumes after lunch make me lightheaded.
entry # 2,589

August 21, 2005
I have a new idea for a kids' boardgame that's sure to be the next big thing. Now, I have no idea as to how the game will be played or any of the details, but I know that it will be called, "Look, Mom...It's Gravy!"
entry # 2,590

August 22, 2005
Crayola recently came out with a new box of 64,000,000 crayons covering just about every known color in the universe for kids. Not only are there 29,478 different shades of gray, they officially ran out of names for colors and started making them up randomly. So, the sporty green that my daughter used in a recent picture is called, "Excessive Liver Failure," while one of the shades of yellow is named, "Evil Donkey." My kids are so confused.
entry # 2,591

August 23, 2005
We take Web tracking statistics (or, as we say here in Indiana, "satisticks") very seriously here at The Daily Journal. As it turns out, yesterday, we had eleven bald guys who like pictures of Vietnamese women playing lawn darts view our site yesterday. That beats the old record of five set in April of 2002.
entry # 2,592

August 24, 2005
Just for fun, let your spellcheck function on your word processor correct any proper nouns that it doesn't know with it's own suggestions. Here's a memo BEFORE it was changed via Microsoft Word:

I propose that we take another look at the Moriarity account. It appears as if there are some discrepancies in the way that our former COO, Dick Desousa, handled his dealings with Kavi Tilak, who heads our operations in Navsari, India. You and I can meet up with our incoming COO, Hailu Negussie and Takehisa Okino for breakfast at Café Du Nord to discuss this further.

And now, here it is after it was "corrected":

I propose that we take another look at the Morality account. It appears as if there are some discrepancies in the way that our former COO, Dick Deloused, handled his dealings with Kaki Titlark, who heads our operations in NASCAR, India. You and I can meet up with our incoming COO, Hailed Nausea and Televise Onion for breakfast at Café Dud Nerd to discuss this further. entry # 2,593

August 25, 2005
"Pressure Treated Plywood" is probably NOT a good idea for an ice cream flavor.
entry # 2,594

August 26, 2005
To combat the high price of gasoline I've been riding my bike to work. Once you take into account the time it takes to find a parking spot in the garage and walk to my building, it takes about the same amount of time to get here as my usual way, which is in a golden chariot pulled by a team of 250 of the hardest working hermit crabs in the nation.
entry # 2,595

August 27, 2005
Al Gore is once again in the news but this time it's because he broke the world record of browing the longest toe hair. 3.28" is pretty impressive there guy!
entry # 2,596

August 28, 2005
I almost have my new house ready for winter. Yeah, it's a bit early but I'm wanting to avoid last year when a group of DeadHeads took up residence under my eaves. It's been nine months since the Orkin man got them out and I can still hear the constant "clink, clink" of their bead making.
entry # 2,597

August 29, 2005
I like to break into chants of "U-S-A" at really odd, inappropriate times like...

Mowing the Lawn
Peeping into the neighbors window

I guess I'm just REALLY patriotic.
entry # 2,598

August 30, 2005
My new house is made entirely out of cotton candy. The kids love it. I just pray every day that it doesn't rain.
entry # 2,599

August 31, 2005
Inspired by fellow TDJ author's foray into cotton candy constructions this weekend I decided to build my garage out of raman noodle bricks. I made it small because I have a compact car but if I ever upgrade to full-size all I'll have to do it add hot water (and those little packets of chicken salt) and my garage will double in size.
entry # 2,600