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February 1, 2006
SheepBots Are Taking Over Eastern Pennsylvania.
entry # 2,753
February 2, 2006
Grog like Feberuary. It have short days. Grog no able count to thirty.
entry # 2,754
February 3, 2006
Since I'm not a sports fan the best thing for me about the Super Bowl is when people at the office bring in their leftovers. There ain't nuthin' like a big ol' bowl of meatballs for breakfast!
entry # 2,755
February 4, 2006
The latest TDJ offering to the public is the New and Improved Cuppa-Meat! Yes, twelve full ounces of MEAT in a handy disposable cup. This is real meat, no filler! You never know if you'll get chicken, beef, pork, goat, llama, or racoon, but that's the fun of it! And of course you get free gravy with every cup. We'll make millions for sure!
entry # 2,756
February 5, 2006
I just made the connection that "simulated leather" is made from the skin of "simulated cows." Incidentally, this is also where McDonalds gets the "meat" for their "hamburgers."
entry # 2,757
February 6, 2006
You don't see a lot of salad bars these days. Back in the 80's it seemed like every restaurant and fast-food establishment had one of these. There was nothing more pleasant than watching a bunch of overweight truck drivers fighting over the last spoonful of spoiled cottage cheese.
entry # 2,758
February 7, 2006
Well, I switched jobs again. I just can't resist. What can I say? I'm a sucker for corporate credit cards and a new source of office supplies.
entry # 2,759
February 8, 2006
On the way into the office today I drove past a tanker truck with the word, "INEDIBLE" written in block letters on the back. There go my lunch plans.
entry # 2,760
February 9, 2006
There's nothing funny about the aging cast of "Welcome Back Kotter" wearing pink leotards and cramming themselves into a phone booth. Well, maybe it's just a little funny.
entry # 2,761
February 10, 2006
My eye balls are itchy right now. My allergist says that it's something in my environment and that I should continue to use special prescription eyedrops and the daily wool scrub.
entry # 2,762
February 11, 2006
Most life-threatening diseases aren't that funny unless they happen to clowns.
entry # 2,763
February 12, 2006
I always feel jipped by the month of February because of the shortage of days. Even during a leap year you only have 29 days and that just doesn't "feel" like a month to me. To make up for it, I've been adding two days to the month for the past 30 years.
entry # 2,764
February 13, 2006
I recently purchased a ruler that's 15 inches long--three inches bigger than your standard ruler. I have no real use for it in the office, but I enjoy pulling it out when others get out their rulers just to show off my extra size.
entry # 2,765
February 14, 2006
Nothing says, "I love you" to my wife on Valentines Day like a paid midget Michael Jackson impersonator. If I slip him an extra $50.00, he sings it.
entry # 2,766
February 15, 2006
The weather has been very strange this year. One day it's 15 degrees and the next it's 65. One day I'm wearing pants and the next day I'm calling my wife to bail me out of jail.
entry # 2,767
February 16, 2006
For the past few days, my kids have been asking me how bologna (i.e. "baloney") is made and I've been hesitating to tell them. The reason I haven't told them until now is because I didn't know myself. As it turns out, bologna is made by the baloney elves who have magical powers and spices. They also know exactly how to slice up the lips and sphincters.
entry # 2,768
February 17, 2006
I have a cell phone and a laptop computer with a WiFi connection. However, I still insist on blowing my nose the old fasioned way--on my boss's sweater.
entry # 2,769
February 18, 2006
Over the years here at TDJ, we've leaned pretty heavily on certain things that are always funny: most varieties of cheese, not wearing pants, spleens, etc. In an effort to inject new sources of humor, we're announcing that the folling things are now officially "funny": pepper, old tires, the remaining varieties of previously determined "unfunny" cheese, and scented candles.
entry # 2,770
February 19, 2006
TDJ Professional Tip #3207: No one knows you like your grandma. Insist on bringing her to job interviews and important business meetings.
entry # 2,771
February 20, 2006
I recently discovered that faking a heart attack on an airplane is NOT funny. Also, I guess folks don't get a kick out of the follow-up JOKE where I raised $25,000 for my fake quintuple bypass surgery.
entry # 2,772
February 21, 2006
If you're suffering from sever flu-like symptoms, it's probably a good idea to stay home. I recently went to work all hocked up on a triple dose of Robitussin. Apparently, i circulated the following entire intra-office memo via corporate e-mail:
Something about poo, and kittens, fatties, used dandruff and a jello mold.
entry # 2,773
February 22, 2006
My pal Brian has come up with a device that mutes the awful sound a garbage disposal makes and replaces it with Bon Jovi songs.
entry # 2,774
February 23, 2006
It's a Tuesday here in Hoosierland, meaning that not only is it a day to take a breather from the usual Monday crunch but also a a superb time to plan out your wardrobe for the rest of the decade. Be sure to take heed that bright colors will be in fashion during most of 2007 but will eventually give way to the trendy gay cowboy look of 2008. 2009, of course, will be the year of the polka dot while spring 2010 will usher in holographic clothing that is capable of displaying your organs to the world.
entry # 2,775
February 24, 2006
More fashion news: I'm not wearing any pants.
entry # 2,776
February 25, 2006
Starting at 9:17 today I've had this strong craving to drink brominated vegetable oil. In fact, I've got a large vat of the stuff simmering in the break room and as soon as I finish this entry it's down the hatch!
entry # 2,777
February 26, 2006
I should be in a meeting right now but instead I'm writing this entry. I already know what's going to be said in the meeting as they've said the same things over and over again so there really is no reason for me to be there. Just like this here entry... we've said the same things over and over and you already know the punchline so why bother reading? Yes, it's because I spilled gravy on me while dining on cold cuts with wolverines and so I'm not wearing any pants.
entry # 2,778
February 27, 2006
I just realized that I'm completely ignorant in the field of pipe fitting and thus my entry for today will be meaningless. But still, here goes: The other day, whilst fitting a #3 onto a bifurcated #18b I dropped my jimjab down the scuttleballoo. Imagine my surprise when Ed tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I think it's about time you learned how to screb."
entry # 2,779
February 28, 2006
My wife just informed me that my hair is thinning slightly on top. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I've been selling off hair grafts to make the monthly payments on the goat.
entry # 2,780