June 2003
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June 1, 2003
If the CEO of your company is named "Mitch" I suggest you immediately begin converting your 401k plan to something stable, like boxes of Rice-a-Roni.
entry # 1,805

June 2, 2003
For communion my church recently switched from using real bread to those little preformed yet amazingly pasty squares. Apparently my suggestion that we switch to Cocoa Puffs was rejected by the worship committee.
entry # 1,806

June 3, 2003
Like many throughout the ages, my brother just got the call to ministry. We're all real proud of him and know that once he bulks up his ninety-seven pound frame that he's going to be the best dad-blurned Phone-Book Tearin', Midget Tossin', Healthshake Drinkin', Bible BenchPressin' member The Power Team ever had.
entry # 1,807

June 4, 2003
We have a pretty laxed dress code here at the office, but for some reason, I "feel" more productive in the workplace when I dress for the occasion. Today, for example, I'm wearing a rubber thong, slippers in the shape of Elder Fudd and glow-in-the-dark ear rings.
entry # 1,808

June 5, 2003
It's perfectly acceptable men's bathroom etiquette for one to "tap" himself upon completion of urination. It is NOT appropriate, however, to "tap" the gentlemen standing next to you.
entry # 1,809

June 6, 2003
Well, I've finally figured out why I have so much trouble staying focused in the office. First I thought the pet lemur that lives in my desk had been trying to mate with my boss's peacock. But then I realized that the guy in the cubicle next to me has been auditioning minor league team mascots to host his upcoming wedding.
entry # 1,810

June 7, 2003
It must be lonely on the road, traveling from restaurant opening to restaurant opening, knowing that you must keep a certain image for the kids... and yet, there's those tempting burger groupies. Who's to say that Ronald McDonald didn't give in to temptation now and then and that his love children aren't littered across these deep-fried plains?

entry # 1,811

June 8, 2003
It's generally accepted knowledge that marionettes have a lousy work ethic, preferring to lounge around in their luxuriously padded traveling cases instead of getting their hands dirty fixing trucks or shoveling manure.
entry # 1,812

June 9, 2003
Sweet, sweet gerkin.
entry # 1,813

June 10, 2003
In honor of our fifth anniversary, and against the wishes of my fellow TDJ'ers, I present the following:

Random Journal Entry Creator version 1.0 (feign excitement now)

entry # 1,814

June 11, 2003
After much cajoling from a certain militant group, my church recently decided to expand our worship staff. Now, in addition to the person who signs the words for the choruses and sermon we now have a telepathic who forces the words into your subconscious.
entry # 1,815

June 12, 2003
Yesterday while sojourning down the stairs at work I was followed by an older woman whose shoes made an explosively loud cap-like noise with each step. While I personally found this interesting I'm sure you, our solitary reader, is not amused. In an effort to retain our vast audience, please read the following "sooper-spicey" modification:

Yesterday while sojourning down the stairs at work I was followed by an older woman whose shoes made an explosively loud cap-like noise with each step.
entry # 1,816

June 13, 2003
I'm dressed entirely in flank steaks.
entry # 1,817

June 14, 2003
I once saw a circus clown eat an entire cub scout troop and he didn't even say "Thank You" or wipe his mouth with a moist towellete afterwards. Clowns are so rude.
entry # 1,818

June 15, 2003
Today is Father's Day, a day in which adult children across the fruited plains desperately search to find something to buy for their dad to say "Thanks fer feeding me all those years and not hiding your stash of Playboys so well that I couldn't find them and for buying me that lap dance in Reno when I turned 18 and telling the police that you hadn't seen me in weeks when they came around with that arrest warrent." Dads... ya gotta love 'em!
entry # 1,819

June 16, 2003
At 10:43 this morning I lost all my remaining gumption.
entry # 1,820

June 17, 2003
In an effort to cut expenses my employer just combined two departments to create the Variable Universal Life Verification Annuity. I'm sure this product will do as well as our other flagship product, the Life Annualized Balanced Income Annuity.
entry # 1,821

June 18, 2003
Apparently test tube babies can't be grown hydroponically.
entry # 1,822

June 19, 2003
My telepathic powers haven't been working since I forgot to pay that bill. Actually I didn't forget yet but they knew I was going to and turned off the powers before I could shortchange them.
entry # 1,823

June 20, 2003
If I was King of the Earth the accordion would be the electric guitar of 2003 and all soft drinks would taste like chicken.
entry # 1,824

June 21, 2003
All my Word documents have been translated into Vietnamese. Not by choice, I should state. No, Windows Media Player maliciously made the change because it was upset that I made WinAmp my preferred MP3 player. Microsoft products can be so petty.
entry # 1,825

June 22, 2003
Fish sticks are on sale this week down at the Wal-Mart. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!!!
entry # 1,826

June 23, 2003
A few notes from the TDJ Fashion Department:
The new thin is fat.
The new gay is straight, and
The new nice is rude.

Stay tuned for further trend updates you gravy sucking pigs!
entry # 1,827

June 24, 2003
Not to be outdone by states on our country's border, here in Indiana we've been taking great steps to increase the amount of illegal aliens living and working in our state. Dave Letterman would be proud.
entry # 1,828

June 25, 2003
Time for a touch up?

entry # 1,829

June 26, 2003
At this time I'm only willing to admit that I may be addicted to PEZ.
entry # 1,830

June 27, 2003
Why is it that almost everything tastes like chicken except for human flesh, which tastes mysteriously like my Aunt Watchband's meatloaf?
entry # 1,831

June 28, 2003
If one train left Fort Wayne at 2:30 pm heading towards Indianapolis at a speed of 85 mph and another train left Evansville at 2:00 pm heading towards Indy at a speed of 75 mph, which proctologist would be called upon to extract the gravy boat? No, the answer is Dr. Filler.
entry # 1,832

June 29, 2003
entry # 1,833

June 30, 2003
As in all things in life, I think that after five years I've earned the right to slack off a bit and round out a lackluster month with butterball entries. You can write and complain but it will only result in hired goons visiting your homestead in the dark of night, tipping your moocow, defrocking your rooster, annoying your goat, and despoiling your horse by telling him dirty jokes.
entry # 1,834

psst! Highlight the secret messages below

We've managed to waste all the money generated from this site on steak knives.

Nothing hits the spot on a hot summer day like a big chilled 12oz can of chicken gravy!

Original lyrics to a famous made-for-TV song...
Here we come.
Walkin' down the street.
We get the funniest looks.
Because we're not wearing pants.
Hey, hey we're the Monkees!