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May 1, 2003
Back when I was 13, I can remember my dad taking me through the neigborhood, house to house while I had to push a lawnmower. He'd have me knock on every door to see if they wanted their lawns mowed. I never even wanted to do it. I should have seen the signs. My dad was a "lawn pimp." The white walls on the mower wheels should have been the give-away.
entry # 1,805

May 2, 2003
Yesterday as I was driving down the expressway, on my way home from a long day at the office, I noticed a definite shortage of Pomegranate Stands alongside the road. Things sure have changed since I was a kid.
entry # 1,806

May 3, 2003
My one year-old daughter has recently expanded her vocabulary to include "bye-bye," "kitty," "doggy," and "tryglicerides." She's a bit behind the other kids her age, but I'm confident she'll get "Monosodium Glutamate" before long.
entry # 1,807

May 4, 2003
From our new favorite site, Wally World Life:
10-14-00 - Do you know that warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when you help someone and it makes their entire day? I know I don't..
entry # 1,808

May 5, 2003
One of the great things about working in a library is the free sausage links given to 10-year employees.
entry # 1,809

May 6, 2003
I went camping over the weekend. Friday night, I was trying to fall asleep in my tent when the ghost of Roy Orbison appeared to me, pleading for world peace. World peace and a cure for cancer. World peace, a cure for cancer, and no more famine. Then he asked me if I had any jumper cables, because his Chevette had broken down. Now that I think about it, I'm not really sure that it was Roy Orbison. It may have just been a guy whose car broke down out in the woods. Either way, it was pretty funny when I hit him over the head with a stick and pushed him into the campfire.
entry # 1,810

May 7, 2003
I have a new e-bay hero.
entry # 1,811

May 8, 2003
Due to my pasty pale skin, whenever I mow the grass without my shirt or while wearing shorts I'm required to place flashing signs warning of possible retina damage fifty feet to either side of my property line. Dad-blurned neighborhood by-laws!
entry # 1,812

May 9, 2003
All your base really do are belong to us. Get over it.
entry # 1,813

May 10, 2003
I'm eating a turkey and cheese sandwich right now. Not your typical turkey and cheese sandwich... this one stays crunchy in milk.
entry # 1,814

May 11, 2003
I like the cut of your jib. Make me frolic with Elvis impersonators.
entry # 1,815

May 12, 2003
Guys, take this from me because I learned it the hard way--when you're in a restaurant, don't insist on talking to the waitress when you're in the bathroom.
entry # 1,816

May 13, 2003
The past few days I've been heavily convicted about my work and my work ethic. But, then I realized that was just crazy talk and got back to buying "Beanie Babies" on E-Bay. I love those crazy critters.
entry # 1,817

May 14, 2003
While I may not have tons of experience in the entertainment industry, I have a suggestion to Mr. David Grohl: Dave, you need to spice up your image by having everyone dress in matching pink suits and toss flowers to your audience from the stage. Oh, and nix the guitars and have everyone play keyboards.
entry # 1,818

May 15, 2003
There's a young woman at my work who always wears knitted floor-length hooded black robes. Oh, she's not so presumptuous as to wear the hood up during work hours. That's where she totes her sack lunch of goat-hoove sandwiches and newt-eye pudding cups.
entry # 1,819

May 16, 2003
In yet another feeble attempt to make my first meeeellion I decided that dollar dances shouldn't be reserved only for weddings and hung a sign outside my office. Little old Thelma in Accounts Payable may be closing in on her seventies but now I know why they call her the "Octopus".
entry # 1,820

May 17, 2003
I can't wait until it's hip to be square again.
entry # 1,821

May 18, 2003
Wasn't that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when she, er, he caught his fake boobies on fire hilarious?!?!? Well??? Wasn't it??!?!?
entry # 1,822

May 19, 2003
I have just been informed that the free counter we use will no longer be free in about one month. We still care deeply about recording the traffic all three of you provide to us so once a week please write down the number of times you visited this site and mail us a postcard. If you include a S.A.S.E. we'll surely steam off the stamp for our personal use.
entry # 1,823

May 20, 2003
Harriet Tubman: Still dead.
entry # 1,824

May 21, 2003
Most people slow down or stop for Canadian geese. Not me - I speed up and go for the kill because the way I see it, the last thing America needs is more poop--especially CANADIAN POOP!
entry # 1,825

May 22, 2003
I doubt that all these geese pooping around my office are really Canadian. After all, I never hear them say "Squak, eh?", I never see them wearing Maple Leaf uniforms, and almost none of them speak fluent French.
entry # 1,826

May 23, 2003
My high school Drivers Education instructor kept things pretty simple for my class. His advice for me and the other two kids in our car were simple. They are words that I live by to this very day, "Drive fast and deliberate."
entry # 1,827

May 24, 2003
They may SAY they are open to new and innovative ideas here at work but when I suggested that we adopt a practice of family therapy and don hand puppets during meetings so that co-workers can say what they really want, everybody laughed at me. I have a good mind to march right into the CEO's office, put on Mr. Panda and tell her what I really think about her new work environment!
entry # 1,828

May 25, 2003
Speaking of innovative work ideas, management is actually THRILLED with my ideas of using interpretive dance instead of PowerPoint at my presentations.
entry # 1,829

May 26, 2003
Memorial Day: Not only the beginning of summer, but also the one day out of the year that you can get away with pouring fudge on your kids and singing old "Wham!" songs.
entry # 1,830

May 27, 2003
I was just in the stall, making my usual afternoon workday deposit, when I hear a guy come in, do his business and then wash his hands in the sink. Except the water keeps running. And running. For an obscenely amount of time. "Is he brushing his teeth? Washing his hair? WHAT'S HE DOING!??!?" Yes, it was driving me insane. So I finished and as I left the stall reason came to light. He was simply washing off all the goat blood from his arms and tie that results from the daily sacrifice to appease the gods of finance.
entry # 1,831

May 28, 2003
Today marks one full year of being in legally-separated limbo. I guess there isn't really much that is funny about this, try as I might. I mean, this perpetual state of "almost-divorced" really bites the hermit crabs shell. But soon it will be final and then I can stop hiding my extensive and valuable collection of Smurf figurinettes from the lawyers.
entry # 1,832

May 29, 2003
In an effort to better my health I've begun to walk every day at lunch. Except that I get really tired so I permanently borrowed one of those motorized Slug-o-Matic shopping carts from WalMart and use that to cruise down my exercise path while stuffing my face full of the Little Debbie snack cakes I keep in that handy front basket.
entry # 1,833

May 30, 2003
I just received my first death threat. Sure it was from my girlfriend and sure it was threatening to turn me into boiled cabbage if I didn't update this here web site PRONTO but it was a death threat all the same. *sigh* You always remember the first time.
entry # 1,834

May 31, 2003
My brother has grown a mullet. It's time for another family intervention.
entry # 1,835

Today is the day of the clam. Worship the clam!

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